I love movies.
I do. Just like music, they allow you to escape into another world. another story. other people’s lives, usually far more interesting than your own. But sometimes, I really hate movies. Why? Because they make you believe in happy endings. And now that I’ve started to write this entry I’m realizing just how stupid this probably sounds… but I just don’t feel like I’m ever going to have a happy ending. What do I mean? Love. Money. Career. Friends. Nothing seems to come easy like it used to. Or maybe that’s just growing up and I’m just not very good at it. Well, then I guess just like everything else I thought I was good at. I’m just not good at this growing up thing.
It makes me want to cry that it’s so hard for me not to feel lonely. That I’m depressed half the time because I miss Peter so much. That I’m frustrated because I’m not even half as good as my boss was at his job. That I can’t seem to juggle my time well enough to actually make time for my family. That I’ve never cared enough about school and now I have to bust my ass for my last year instead of taking it easy just like most of my year. I want all those things, but… I feel like I have nothing. I know it probably sounds ungrateful… because at least I have some friends to speak of. At least I have a family that’s complete and slightly functional. At least I’ve been able to love someone with all my heart and soul (even if he doesn’t necessarily feel the same and is a million miles away). At least I have a job. At least I’ve been able to go to university. At least I have a lot of the things that I have.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ungrateful. I’m just very very stressed out. I’m so fried and I feel like I deserve some sort of a break. I feel like I’m trying my best in all those areas and getting no where. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me… but I just can’t seem to get out of this funk.
By the way, in case you were wondering what movies have to do with this… I just saw Wicker Park. And if you’ve ever seen the movie… then you know what I mean.