I just don’t know how he does it…
I got some bad news today and Peter came online to talk to me for a bit, tell me not to worry and all that. But it didn’t help much as I started to cry and I insisted on hearing his voice. And amazingly… for the rest of the day I haven’t been snappy. You see, I’ve been getting snappy lately because I usually have a headache and sore eyes. From what? I’m not quite sure but I know it’s something in my house that causes it. So anyway, I still have a headache and sore eyes but no snappiness. I’m still stressed, I’m still sad… but for some reason it all seems ok.
I’ve acknowledged to myself that he doesn’t feel the same way about me that I do him. And it doesn’t change a thing… I’ve tried thinking about moving on and “putting myself back on the market” per se. But, I just can’t do it. I don’t know what it is. I don’t understand… but I couldn’t really care less right now. I’m sure my feelings will change… everything changes. But considering it’s been more than a year since it became obvious that there was never any mutual intention of our relationship lasting past his stay in Canada (that became evident even while he was still here)… I still love him just as much – if not more if that’s even possible.
I feel pretty stupid but I’m writing about it hoping that it will help my healing. The funny thing about all of this is that it’s not unhealthy, at least not in any extreme way. I wish it were an option to remove him from my life… but to be honest I don’t ever want to go back to what my life was like before I met him. The pain I feel of missing him is nothing compared to what I was missing before… I guess that’s why I said before that it doesn’t even matter to me if we are just friends, just as long as he’s always in my life and always close.