“If you hold back on things that you’re passionate about, is it still passion?”

I was watching an episode of the Bedford diaries, and that quote really struck a chord with me. I used to think that I was a very passionate person because I couldn’t control my emotions but after the last two years, I’ve learnt better. Although, there has been a trade-off. While it has been easier to let the small things go, I find myself not caring as much about the big things either. “Passion is pain”. That’s another quote that really got me. As much as it hurts to passionately care about something, you can’t possibly feel alive without it.

After an entire year, I’m still in pain. Sure it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to and I’m not crying myself to sleep everynight. But I still can’t get over why it just won’t go through my thick heart that it’s never going to happen. My head knows, and as I’m trying to plan the rest of my life it doesn’t even consider that – but my stupid heart… just won’t give up. Every day I tell it to “give it up”, and attempt to at least find some ‘summer fun’ for lack of a more PC term… but nothin’.

I’m feeling a little sick today. And as a result am feeling really lonely. And of course I miss him the most. I’m starting to hate how much I miss him… but at the same time wouldn’t really trade it for anything else in the world.

You see what I mean?