Blocked

Why is it that whenever I’m trying to deal with emotions concerning him that I get writer’s block? I can never seem to articulate the way he makes me feel and the way he made me feel after all these years. He gave me a present at our meeting on Saturday morning. A present. And when I asked what the present was for, he said it was for doing this favour for him1 but all I could see when I looked at the present was my guilt.

Many of you have said to go easy on myself and to forgive myself but I can’t. It’s difficult to let go of the fact that I ruined what could have been my future, so I’m going to have to write this out in the hopes that by seeing it in words I’ll come to realization that this something did, in fact, happen for a reason or several reasons. The knots in my stomach, I know, are not from eating bad food or from food allergies2. I never imagined anxiety could manifest into such physical pain but on Saturday as I woke up 30 minutes before I had to be 45 minutes away with the worst headache and chest pains I have ever felt, suddenly I knew better.

I rushed around, brushing my teeth, changing whilst hopping and was out of the house in 15 minutes. I called him as soon as I pulled out of the driveway3 and he was as calm as ever. My imagination flashed an alternative scene where he berated me for waking up so late; in said scene we were still together. I had no time to think about it as I prayed there wasn’t any traffic. I was 20 minutes late for our appointment after trying to find parking proved to be more like crumbs of cake than the proverbial piece.

He met me in the hall way and gave me a hug; I had forgotten how tall he was. Thinking back I’m grateful he didn’t put on the cologne that he knew I liked or this, right now, might be even harder than it is. We walked in and waited all of two minutes for his name to be called4. Once we were done, almost out of habit that I didn’t know I still had, I put my arm around his waist as his arm went around my shoulders.

I’ve travelled through time in moments like that before but it was never as strong as this was, especially as he kissed my head. Twice. Thanks to my still numb brain, none of it showed. We pulled apart once we were closer to the front doors, when he tells me about the present. I almost said no. But he seemed sure, so I graciously accepted. I drove him to the subway station where he lingered in the car, chatting; I wanted to run away. My guilt was in my throat pushing me to say, “Why don’t you hate me?”

It’s strange realizing that you still love someone yet know that you don’t want to do anything about it. It’s strange to know that you love someone that isn’t right for you, and who you don’t want any more yet still love them so much that it hurts. It makes me wonder whether it’s him, or simply being in love that I love.

I know he knows what I did, and he has chosen to forgive me to the point where he’s offered that he wants to stay friends. Considering his relationship with his ex before me, I know that could be a stretch but it’s still nice to have him offer. And if he’s forgiven me, then maybe… just maybe it’s about time I did forgive myself.

I guess this writer wasn’t so blocked after all…

What I want to know is, have you ever let love go because you just knew it wasn’t right for either of you?

Footnotes:
  1. for those who don’t please feel free to DM me on twitter or email contact at fragileheart dot com and I’ll tell you[]
  2. because I just don’t have them[]
  3. don’t worry, I had my Bluetooth headset on[]
  4. I’m going to skip over these details for reasons that I hope are obvious; and again if they’re not email or DM me and I’ll be happy to answer[]

responses to “Blocked” 5

  1. @Monique: Thank you for the {{{hug}}} I need lots of them these days! I’m sad that you never had a healthy relationship until you got married but I’m happy that you’re happily married now! Thanks for the advice to forgive myself too… always easier said than done though right?

    @Bitter Chocolate: I’m saddened that you know exactly what I’m talking about; and I hope that you know you can always call on me for a chat (I mean it, it helps me a lot to listen to other people talk about what they’re going through). And please do not apologise for the you-rant, I prefer when my visitors share their stories 🙂 {{{hugs}}}

    @miss tique: I wanted you to make it about you! I’m trying to forgive myself; in order to do that I suppose I should really face what I need to forgive myself for in the first place rather than pretending it didn’t happen right? Thank you for always being here.

    @erin: I think I’m dwelling because I really don’t want it to happen again. I’m focusing so I can learn my lessons and move on without making the same mistakes again. I’m so happy to know that your love worked out for you; it gives me such hope. Love ya!

  2. Life is too short to dwell and carry around that guilt. Process the situation, learn your lesson(s), and move on. That’s what I say 🙂

    To answer your question, no I have never let love go because I knew it wasn’t right for either of us. I have never let love go, period. I have been in love once, and we are still together.

  3. No, I haven’t but this is not about me.

    I don’t even know all the details of the story but love or no love, you should forgive yourself. If he did, it’s obvious you haven’t screwed THAT bad in the first place 🙂

    Take care!

  4. I don’t know what is the reason of your feeling guilty, but I would say you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself whatver the case is. We all are human, and that involves doing stupid things. Pretty often. So don’t punish yourself for it more than life’s punished you for it.

    I loved reading this, and then once I got to this part:

    “It’s strange realizing that you still love someone yet know that you don’t want to do anything about it. It’s strange to know that you love someone that isn’t right for you, and who you don’t want any more yet still love them so much that it hurts. It makes me wonder whether it’s him, or simply being in love that I love.”

    -I froze, because I see myself in every single word of it. So to answer your question, I am just trying to let go of someone who I’m in love with, because I know he can’t give me more, he can’t give me what I want, which only makes me miserable so I’ve just always ended up being awful to him for that. Now I realised that whatever I do to trigger a reaction, the reaction will never come. So as much as it’s killing me, as much as it hurts, I’m letting the one I love go because he doesn’t love me, and being with someone who doesn’t love you hurts even more.

    Sorry for the me-rant 🙂 I hope things will start to look briter for you soon!

  5. I think I held my breath the entire time I was reading that.

    I am sorry you have to go through this, and girl can I relate.

    No, I never let love go because it wasn’t right for either of us, but because it simply wasn’t right for me. Until I got married, I can not recall ever being in a healthy relationship. Always with someone who abused me in one way or another, and usually even when leaving and knowing I was doing the right thing, my heart always felt heavy.

    Anyway, it gets better. Forgive yourself 🙂

    {{{{{hug}}}}}

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