But I am still fragile

Someone asked me recently whether I would consider changing my name from fragileheart, because he thought I was a pretty strong person. I argued that I could never do that because I am so fond of and attached to the name that I enjoy it when people call me fragile instead of my real name1.

My heart has been through a lot; I have put my heart through a lot. It’s a risk you take by wearing your heart on your sleeve and refusing to fall in love in any other fashion other than all-the-way. I have had a lot of amazing relationships and experiences because of it and I wouldn’t change a single thing. You would think that with all this ‘experience’ that my heart would no longer be fragile but the truth is, it is.

It isn’t fragile because I’m afraid to show my feelings, it isn’t fragile because I’m afraid to let it break. It’s fragile because I don’t think I have anything to offer when I’m in a relationship. I don’t know why. I have never tried to figure it out. I’ve been too busy jumping from one relationship to the next. Maybe it’s about time I start. Maybe then I can stop jerking people around, and actually give the next relationship a shot.

It’s been hard to write here in the last little while because this blog is tied to twitter and I have been immersed into the Toronto twitter community and some people might get hurt by what I want to write about. It sucks but such is life. At least nowadays I know that people read the blog. Seven years ago I was oblivious2 and I hurt people by writing about what I wanted to write about and ended up having to shut down the blog to appease my then boyfriend.

It’s sacrifices like that that make me wonder whether I am too nice or I’m too nice because I don’t think I have anything to offer. I wish there were more time in a day to therapeutically go through all the thoughts that enter my head. I have so much work to do in a lot of aspects of my life. I’ve always had a lot of fight in me but every now and then, I want to quit before I even get into the ring3.

But for now, I’m going to have to mend this slightly bruised fragile heart of mine and I plan to do with a lot of dancing and physical activity4. Who’s in?

Footnotes:
  1. though I wouldn’t want people to only call me fragile either[]
  2. I didn’t promote the blog[]
  3. by quit I mean take a nap, you know, nothing permanent[]
  4. that does not include sex[]

response to “But I am still fragile” 1

  1. I realize this is a personal post but I hope you don’t mind me commenting on it because you touched on matters to which I must speak upon.

    The idea you have; that you have nothing to offer in a relationship–I reckon it’s something that has been formed through your experiences with matters of the heart but from what I have recently learned about you, my love, you have plenty to give.

    The courage you have to accept love with open arms is a characteristic and ability few people have–you’re special for being brave and bold enough to lay it out on the line and because of this, as you mentioned, your experiences with love, I’m sure have been both intense, passionate, beautiful, and hurtful.

    You are a kind, gentle, sweet soul with brains to match, not many people have this, but you do, and therefore, have a vast amount to offer a partner and I’m sure, whenever you find the right person, much to teach.

    Your blog is just that; *your* blog. It is a space for you to express your thoughts, experiences, and feelings towards any given situation. Having to bite your tongue to the extent where you may feel suffocated is not fair on you. Should people have strong feelings against what you have written; let them. This is *your* space. Of course the tone and language you use would matter but I can’t foresee that to be the issue with you.

    Sacrifices: They are among one of the hardest concepts to wrap our heads around. Especially when it comes to relationships. They are necessary–give and take must happen. But to what point? I can assure you that if you are in a mindset where you feel you have nothing to offer, your sacrifices will not be fair on you.

    I want you to know that you’re a lovely person and to think you have nothing to offer in a relationship; is a crime.

    Z

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