31 Dec 2011 at 15:01
Events & Occasions
As yet another year is coming to a close and the countdowns are starting to rise I was trying to figure out what I wanted to write about. As I have been doing for the last six months of life. I’ve been through so much in the last little while that I don’t even know where to begin. Everytime I go for a run I think of about a dozen blog posts that I would love to write about once I sit in front of my computer and start typing; I lose my conviction about three-quarters of the way through.
I know exactly why and yet I can not for the life of me figure out how to fix it; other than in fact: fixing the problems that I want to write about. In some way this change is for the better: I no longer simply complain about my problems, I actually do something about it. Not so good for the life of this journal, but great for me on a larger scale.
Ryan Nus, friend and fellow blogger indirectly wrote about my problem really well in his latest blog post titled, Resolve to be Fearless. There are a lot of reasons I’ve been afraid to say what I want to say and I may never finish and publish those blog posts but I’m okay with it. Partially because a lot of what would have been relevant in the writing is in the past and who likes digging that up for no good reason?
I’m not making any further resolutions this year. I’ve taken a mancation and it has helped me really evaluate what it is I want out of a partner. I’ve had time to figure out what I want out of my career. There are no quick ways of getting either but I don’t care. I have faith that things will work out the way I want it to. Not only because I have back-up plans/dreams but because I don’t feel like I have anything to lose – and when you feel like you’ve got nothing to lose, you’re not going to stop until you get what you want. Right, Ryan?
What are you thinking about as 2011 comes to a close? What are you looking forward to the most in 2012?
Disclaimer: I’m neither of these things, I’m poor and broke
There is something about wishing someone well that lifts up my soul. This Christmas when I find myself with not much else to offer I started sending some verbal and written love to people and I found myself smiling all the same as if I had been able to give everyone presents like I would have wanted to.
I hope you have all had a wonderful Holiday season and continue to have a happy whatever-holiday-you’re-celebrating. I am with family and am having a happy Christmas.
Just be happy, hokay? LOVE!
This year could have gone much worse than it did but I’m not going to lie and say that I never once thought to myself, “This sucks”. I’m human, of course I thought that. But maybe I was taking things for granted even when I thought I wasn’t.
Two years ago, after my five year relationship with a man I thought was ‘my one’ ended, I signed up for a consumer proposal. A consumer proposal is when you sk your creditors (through a Trustee) to waive a percentage of your debt. My debt wasn’t large but I was fed up of the cycle of paying my minimum balance only to need to use the credit I had just earned for things that I thought I needed. When you’re in a consumer proposal your credit rating is reduced to the same as it would be if you had declared bankruptcy. After the 5 years are up, your credit rating rises two points during which you can apply for credit cards and slowly build your credit rating back up.
And so for the last two years I’ve been living without a credit card and it has been a fantastic and educational ride. But even though I’ve experienced small bouts of unemployment in the last year and a half, I’m so grateful that I signed up for the program. My bills are far lower than they would have been had I kept the credit cards.
Even though my family and I haven’t been able to get wrapped up in the craziness of the season: buying gifts, hiding it from each other, wrapping it on the DL (you get the gist), I find myself looking forward to spending Christmas & Eve with them – probably playing board games and listening to Christmas music.
Sure it would have been nice to drive down to Chicago to meet up with our family friends who will be down there, but spending time at home will be just as nice. I just think it’d be even nicer if it were all white outside when we do. So I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…
I don’t like to think about war and the destruction that is naturally associated with it but I’m forcing myself to do so today because so many people lived it for the sake of the future – for us. Our generation often waxes poetic about how generations of the past didn’t know any better but they sure had more faith that we do.
I can only begin to imagine what they went through and what I imagine is intense and so powerful… and I can’t help but think that it must have been that much more so.
We don’t know what it feels like to be constantly on edge fearing for your life and yet having to find some meaning in your existence; something to find joy in. While I think war is wasteful and absolutely fucking stupid, I am in awe of the people who went to war for what they believed in. Being around that much death, being the one to execute someone’s life changes a person.
I could have complaints about my life but it’s people like those who fought in war that drive me to force myself to suck. it. up. I’m only human and will let complaints slip out every now and then but I know how blessed of a life I have led and continue to lead. So today, I am going to mourn the people I’ll never get to meet because they died fighting for our freedom; the people who survived their friends and come back broken; the people who didn’t go to war but had to attempt to continue to live their lives while their most-beloved is out fighting for their lives (and are no doubt equally broken).
I wasn’t living in this part of the world when it all happened and I have been lucky enough that my life hasn’t been directly touched by any subsequent wars/battles but I am enjoying the benefits of their sacrifices and I’ll be damned if I take any of it for granted.
06 Nov 2011 at 15:00
Events & Occasions
It has been a journey to say the least. The last few months have been a wonderful whirlwind of ups, downs and important lessons and realizations. I think the one lesson that I didn’t expect to learn after all this is that despite being able to adapt to my surroundings extremely well -how much my bearings are affected if I don’t have a proper place to sleep.
For the last three months I have been sleeping on my Ikea love-seat because I couldn’t sleep on my bed until three nights ago. Depending on what way you look at it, you could say it cost me a lot but I don’t think placing blame on circumstance does me any good so it just is what it was: a learning experience. Heck, it didn’t kill me right?
30 years. As of some time in the late evening on November 7th, the cells and whatever spirit that make up this girl right here would have been alive for 30 years. I’ll admit there is a part of me that feels like a bit of a disappointment but then there’s another part of me that knows that my life is only just beginning so long as I allow myself the chance at said beginning.
Live each day as if it were your last. Someone great said that to me recently as we were walking the 6.5kms to my new home at 4am. By the way, don’t let the knowledge of this act taint your image of bohunkCA; he was the perfect jerk as always – and yes ladies, he was totally topless the whole way there
I want to make an art out of living life, where I find joy in every little moment of every day – regardless of what is going on at the time. Growing up, I had never really paid much attention to the things that really made my heart soar. I knew the obvious things like music, food, love, and sex… all those self-indulgent sort of things. But now I’m paying more attention to how happy it makes me to be around people like my family and closest friends.
I know I have lot of work to do up ahead of me but I do think I am up to the task. It feels strange to say that I have never really felt this ready before but I guess I’m just done being afraid. I’m still in the process of getting my life back but I have no doubt that whatever is coming next is going to be amazing. It’s been amazing even when it should have been horrible so how could it not?!
I want to know though: did you love or hate turning 30?