I’ve always been a skinny girl1. Even when I gained weight, I managed to carry it well. Growing up though, I thought I was fat and I blame the kind of jeans that were available to me: low riders. They sit on your hips, and don’t care if you have a little bit of a paunch going on where your reproductive organs are2.
In the last two years, a fashion trend has come around in way that has allowed me to buy high-waist jeans at extremely reasonable prices and I could not be more grateful. I just can’t believe how much I used to hate my body, all because I didn’t have the right clothes available to me.
I just hope I can buy enough pieces now that I can keep for the rest of my life because I’m sure it will go out of style again. All I know is, I’m eternally grateful for whoever it was that made it possible for them to be in style again3.
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[This lighthearted post has been brought to you by the fact that I need a good laugh]
except for my booty, that thing has never known when to quit[↩]
When you start to get to know someone; when you start to build a foundation for your relationship, you create certain stories together – most of them are true, at least in the context of your lives when you’re building.
When a relationship ends, after the turmoil, the pain, and the grieving is over sometimes there is this hope that remains. Hope that there was something about that foundation you built that is strong enough that maybe one day you could share that same bond again, or any bond – perhaps something that resembles a friendship1.
Sometimes though, the stories are too far from the truth and you just have to let go of the last of the lie. This doesn’t make either of you a bad person. The lies were true when they were being told. They just weren’t truths you wanted to keep, so you let the truths go. And you begin to live other truths that sometimes contradict the truths you once owned.
And then there are other times when there’s something about that ‘lie’ that’s sticky. It clings on to the core of you and insists on providing you with glimpses of hope that the lie is worth holding on to. So you wait it out. And you wait, and wait. You find other things to focus on because as the light of the ‘lie’ grows fainter every day, you need other light sources. So you look forward, and fill your life with the light of things that don’t remind you that you once allowed someone to treat you like you deserved anything less than respect.
One day, you’ll be ready. You’ll look back on the ‘lie’ and be able to wish it the farewell it deserves. And you’ll be free to really move on.
Unti then, just breathe.
something to truly be treasured. It isn’t a consolation prize to romance[↩]
I was supposed to go on a first date this past Friday. He had given me his number while I was at a meeting in a bar with some colleagues. He was at the bar with his friends and had asked our server to ask if I was single. I know right? That doesn’t happen anymore. Going off of online dating sites and apps was already proving to be a good idea, simply based on how much more I was enjoying life. Anyway, we texted a bit for a couple of days and tentatively made plans for Friday; said we’d touch base on Friday, and I also warned him that I would not be very responsive during the two days when I was working at a conference. I messaged him kind of late on Friday since it was a little difficult to gather myself that day1. I didn’t hear from him, so I stayed in and relaxed. I could have gone to a Halloween party, but home was just so cozy when you’ve been going non-stop while trying to fight a cough & cold.
I actually avoided Halloween all together this year. It’s the first year in all my life when I wasn’t excited to dress up. I usually love the excuse to pretend and get creative. I wish I could explain the reason behind it, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. This past August was always going to be particularly difficult for me; so I made sure I was traveling a lot, and making great memories so that I could just survive2. The worst is over; I’m grateful for that but I wish I knew how long this current state was going to last. I know exactly what it is, and I know it won’t last forever but it almost feels worse than being in pain all the time. At least when I was in pain I could feel things, even if they were unbearable sometimes… at least there were still small moments of joy. One day, I know I will find joy again. In the mean time I just have to keep my head afloat.
I have a lot of3 work to do though. I’ve lost faith. It’s almost like I’ve completely forgotten how to trust people. Slowly, the universe has been giving me things; things to be happy about; things that should spark joy; that would normally spark joy… but the joy always feels slightly muted. It feels the way skin feels when scar tissue has formed – slightly numb. I’m almost fascinated by how slow this process is going. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve grieved loss. I’m trying to figure out why it’s affected my love of sex too though. I mean, the desire is certainly still somewhere there but every time I have the opportunity or get close… I experience what i can only describe as traumatic flashbacks. I guess that’s what happens when you put your trust wholeheartedly in someone and they end up betraying that trust in ways that you couldn’t have ever imagined.
I’ve been trying not to talk about things for a while but it seems that holding it all in is only making things worse for me.
That’s not all I’ve been dealing with lately. I’ve had money problems too. Again. Honestly I can’t say there has ever really been a time in my life when I haven’t had money problems. One of the main reasons for that is that I’m just not good with money. I’ve gotten better, but I have a long way to go. It doesn’t help that I love donating my time to do the things that I love. I probably should find a way to do the things that I love for money but… I’m afraid that I’ll stop feeling the joy when that happens, because it’ll be about the money. Or maybe I should just stop being afraid of that too.
I had something written up, but I decided against posting it. I’ve made a lot of changes in the last couple of weeks. I also had to make an incredibly difficult and painful decision two weekends ago. It was a decision I never thought I’d be able to go through with, let alone something that I would need to do. All my friends tell me that I’m doing the right thing. Based on the hole in my heart, I simply have to take their word for it right now.
On a related note, I’ve been dying to get out of this city1 – at the very least for the winter – but it looks like I’ll be staying put after all. I received word that an important project I’ve been waiting to hear about has decided to take me on; while I was under the impression that I would want to defer their acceptance it turns out that it’s too important [to me] to do that.
In a way, I’m glad. I’m glad that I’m capable of managing the things I need to manage2 enough to be an adult, and keep my commitments. Then again, there is that part of me that was so ready to soar with wonder, curiosity and awe at all the new things that traveling to foreign places can inspire.
I’ll just have to settle for continuing with mini-adventures with good friends, and hopefully a few with my family too.
In the mean time, enjoy some photos3 of my Montreal trip last month 🙂