When you start to get to know someone; when you start to build a foundation for your relationship, you create certain stories together – most of them are true, at least in the context of your lives when you’re building.
When a relationship ends, after the turmoil, the pain, and the grieving is over sometimes there is this hope that remains. Hope that there was something about that foundation you built that is strong enough that maybe one day you could share that same bond again, or any bond – perhaps something that resembles a friendship1.
Sometimes though, the stories are too far from the truth and you just have to let go of the last of the lie. This doesn’t make either of you a bad person. The lies were true when they were being told. They just weren’t truths you wanted to keep, so you let the truths go. And you begin to live other truths that sometimes contradict the truths you once owned.
And then there are other times when there’s something about that ‘lie’ that’s sticky. It clings on to the core of you and insists on providing you with glimpses of hope that the lie is worth holding on to. So you wait it out. And you wait, and wait. You find other things to focus on because as the light of the ‘lie’ grows fainter every day, you need other light sources. So you look forward, and fill your life with the light of things that don’t remind you that you once allowed someone to treat you like you deserved anything less than respect.
One day, you’ll be ready. You’ll look back on the ‘lie’ and be able to wish it the farewell it deserves. And you’ll be free to really move on.
Unti then, just breathe.
something to truly be treasured. It isn’t a consolation prize to romance[↩]
I was supposed to go on a first date this past Friday. He had given me his number while I was at a meeting in a bar with some colleagues. He was at the bar with his friends and had asked our server to ask if I was single. I know right? That doesn’t happen anymore. Going off of online dating sites and apps was already proving to be a good idea, simply based on how much more I was enjoying life. Anyway, we texted a bit for a couple of days and tentatively made plans for Friday; said we’d touch base on Friday, and I also warned him that I would not be very responsive during the two days when I was working at a conference. I messaged him kind of late on Friday since it was a little difficult to gather myself that day1. I didn’t hear from him, so I stayed in and relaxed. I could have gone to a Halloween party, but home was just so cozy when you’ve been going non-stop while trying to fight a cough & cold.
I actually avoided Halloween all together this year. It’s the first year in all my life when I wasn’t excited to dress up. I usually love the excuse to pretend and get creative. I wish I could explain the reason behind it, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. This past August was always going to be particularly difficult for me; so I made sure I was traveling a lot, and making great memories so that I could just survive2. The worst is over; I’m grateful for that but I wish I knew how long this current state was going to last. I know exactly what it is, and I know it won’t last forever but it almost feels worse than being in pain all the time. At least when I was in pain I could feel things, even if they were unbearable sometimes… at least there were still small moments of joy. One day, I know I will find joy again. In the mean time I just have to keep my head afloat.
I have a lot of3 work to do though. I’ve lost faith. It’s almost like I’ve completely forgotten how to trust people. Slowly, the universe has been giving me things; things to be happy about; things that should spark joy; that would normally spark joy… but the joy always feels slightly muted. It feels the way skin feels when scar tissue has formed – slightly numb. I’m almost fascinated by how slow this process is going. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve grieved loss. I’m trying to figure out why it’s affected my love of sex too though. I mean, the desire is certainly still somewhere there but every time I have the opportunity or get close… I experience what i can only describe as traumatic flashbacks. I guess that’s what happens when you put your trust wholeheartedly in someone and they end up betraying that trust in ways that you couldn’t have ever imagined.
I’ve been trying not to talk about things for a while but it seems that holding it all in is only making things worse for me.
That’s not all I’ve been dealing with lately. I’ve had money problems too. Again. Honestly I can’t say there has ever really been a time in my life when I haven’t had money problems. One of the main reasons for that is that I’m just not good with money. I’ve gotten better, but I have a long way to go. It doesn’t help that I love donating my time to do the things that I love. I probably should find a way to do the things that I love for money but… I’m afraid that I’ll stop feeling the joy when that happens, because it’ll be about the money. Or maybe I should just stop being afraid of that too.
I had something written up, but I decided against posting it. I’ve made a lot of changes in the last couple of weeks. I also had to make an incredibly difficult and painful decision two weekends ago. It was a decision I never thought I’d be able to go through with, let alone something that I would need to do. All my friends tell me that I’m doing the right thing. Based on the hole in my heart, I simply have to take their word for it right now.
On a related note, I’ve been dying to get out of this city1 – at the very least for the winter – but it looks like I’ll be staying put after all. I received word that an important project I’ve been waiting to hear about has decided to take me on; while I was under the impression that I would want to defer their acceptance it turns out that it’s too important [to me] to do that.
In a way, I’m glad. I’m glad that I’m capable of managing the things I need to manage2 enough to be an adult, and keep my commitments. Then again, there is that part of me that was so ready to soar with wonder, curiosity and awe at all the new things that traveling to foreign places can inspire.
I’ll just have to settle for continuing with mini-adventures with good friends, and hopefully a few with my family too.
In the mean time, enjoy some photos3 of my Montreal trip last month 🙂
There was zero cell reception in Algonquin. It was delicious. I swear I didn’t want to come back. Our last night there, we got some pretty heavy rainfall and I can likely attribute my inability to sleep that night to the rain and the humidity but I think another culprit was simply the fact that I simply didn’t want our camping trip to end. I had been doing well at managing my stress levels before I went away, or so I thought. It wasn’t until I was forced to really disconnect that I realized just how badly I was failing at it. The night I returned, and the morning after were the most productive I have been in a very long time. I am also surprised to learn that I had made a decision about something really important without actively thinking about it too much. [vagueness] Of course I’m terrified at the thought of informing the person this decision pertains to, but it’s something I need and I know that they would be the first to encourage me to take care of numero uno1. [/end vagueness]
My family and I are getting really good at this camping thing too. It has been five years so I guess we’ve learned a thing or two. Mind you, the night it rained I don’t know why we thought we would be okay leaving our coolers in the food tent, stacked and seemingly-secure. We were wrong. As I was lying in bed, unable to sleep2 I heard a noise that sounded like something trying to get into either the middle or the bottom cooler. I grabbed my flash-light and shone it into the food tent through a meshed window in our tent. I couldn’t see very well, but I definitely saw eyes. I put on my pants, sweater, socks and shoes, grabbed my flashlight and angrily stomped towards them. I finally saw that they were raccoons when I stepped out of the tent, which was a few metres away from our tent. I yelled, ‘get out!’ but only once. I didn’t want to yell more than that as it was almost 1am. By the time I reached the food tent, they were gone. I tried to wake up my snoring father but was unsuccessful, so I put everything into the car myself. It wasn’t difficult, I was merely thinking it would be faster with two people.
You would think I’d be able to sleep after coming down from that adrenaline rush, but I didn’t actually fall asleep for another hour. Waking up 6 hours later wasn’t as difficult as you might think either. It was needed though, we were only packed and driving out of the campsite right on time3.
Stargazing, smelling like campfire, playing with fire, canoeing, swimming in clear4 lake water, walking/running/playing with Drogo5, playing badminton with my Dad, cooking our dinners, making bbq sauce from random sauce packets/and other ingredients we had instead of buying some, and enjoying yummy coffee every morning6 were some of the highlights of this camping trip7. The one that I imagine will be unique to this year’s trip was that we got to hang out with so much wildlife – all of the chipmunks8, blue jays, brewer’s blackbirds, and fireflies9.
I wasn’t able to catch as many sunsets nor sunrises10 at this campsite, and since we decided against renting or bringing bikes this year and it was difficult for me to drive either car11, but it was still one of the most wonderful trips I could have ever asked to go on this year. I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to go on at least two more trips this year. Another thing I would definitely have changed was how close we were to Highway 60 (which goes through Algonquin), as the sound of cars whizzing by was a mild distraction. Not enough of a distraction to make a huge difference but the absence of that sound would have been made exponential improvement on the quality of our trip. Next time.
Silent Lake Provincial Park (SLPP) may just have some competition as far as the Sy Family’s favourite park12. I’d be curious to stay at some of the other campgrounds to canoe and swim in those lakes, so we might just have to put our original plan of alternating between a new campsite and SLPP until we’ve completely explored Algonquin. We’ll see.
I’ve only been back for 3 days13, and I’ve already lost a little of the zen I found. It’s related to something I don’t have complete control over14, and is something I simply have to deal with but I do enjoy that it’s easier to let things go, breathe and focus on the parts of my life that do bring me joy.
Including being able to go away on a day trip to Elora Gorge with some awesome people. I’ll have to save that story for next time though.