fragileheart's journal

Every now and then, life gets to be a little too much. Most people will tell you not to focus on the little things and they would normally be right. Except that if the little things are all that is making you smile. Then my advice would be to focus on the little things and let those big things wash over you until your head is clear. You may find that the big things, being big, won’t have gone far. They’ll be right there waiting for you to pick up where you left off.

This nail polish colour is making me smile so hardcore. Best $3 spent last week.

Will I ever love again? It’s a question that has been on my mind for a while now. It’s the question that led me to go on my mancation¹.

The honest answer right now is: I simply don’t know.

I find myself avoiding thinking about things that have happened². It’s unlike me. The moniker fragileheart wasn’t coined because I wanted people to walk on eggshells with me. It’s supposed to remind me that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that I like to feel things because it makes me feel alive. Finding myself running away from memories that make me smile is a little unnerving.

I don’t think I know how to be in a relationship. It’s been so long since I’ve been in a real relationship that I don’t know that I’ll ever manage to maintain one again. My last real, meaningful, mutually respectful relationship ended in 2004. Everything else after that I consider a mess. Yes, even my relationship with the Irish boy³.

Then again, I’ve gotten better at maintaining deeper and more meaningful friendships and I think that every good relationship is built on a solid foundation of friendship so maybe there’s hope for me yet.

Oh whatever. Maybe you⁴ were right; what was it that you said, sir? Something along the lines of, “You’d make a great mistress [but not a wife]“. And yes, I still think about it to this day.

Sometimes, you just need to blog things out loud.

Footnotes:

1. vacation from men, and more importantly – meaningless sex[↩]
2. like NYE[↩]
3. that was probably the biggest mess[↩]
4. I do not even know if you read my blog[↩]

I’m so incredibly grateful for so much in my life and I hope I say it enough to those that I should be saying it to:

The girls and I at #loserkaraoke before Tequila Sunrise closed down.

He’s a talented man.

• I have my Mum, Dad and brother living in the same city as I am and that we don’t hate each other so much that we can’t stand to be around each other. I’m grateful that we still get on each other’s nerves sometimes because it just means we still care.
• Priceless friends like Jackie and Sibel who don’t live anywhere near me but always seem to message me exactly when I just need to hear from someone who cares. I’m grateful for the unwavering love and lack of judgement I receive from you two.
• On that note, I’m also grateful for Christine, Ashley, Noor, Dave , Affan and Heather. Heather’s also not nearby¹ but she definitely falls under the category of great friend.
• There is one more friend but I’m not sure I should be writing about that person so I’m going to leave this a mystery and you can just take my word for it that the gratitude is there.
• A job where I am inspired every day to do my best and be accepted for who I am² Colleagues and employers who are so different in many ways but have a mutual propensity for quality.
• Re-discovering a mode of transportation that helps me keep my great ass³ in shape and makes me feel so free.

Wow, what dorks.

One of the best vacations of life.

Some friends are friends for life.

Why are my legs so white? Oh right, I don’t know how to buy stockings… Noor! Teach me?

Footnotes:

1. she’s in Ottawa[↩]
2. “quirks” and all [↩]
3. guess I’m grateful for that too[↩]
4. that shit ain’t easy yo[↩]

I’ve experienced rejection. In fact, I’d like to say I experience rejection on a daily basis because I ask for things even if I’m afraid to ask for them¹. But this one rejection has shaken me to my core… and I can’t figure out why.

Logic would tell me that based on his actions that contradict the words he used means that he isn’t the person I thought he was and should be written off. But another line of logic tells me that the person I thought he was would have a reasonable explanation for his actions². And so I get stuck in this loop.

If he was the good person that I thought he was: the person who would only do something because he thinks it is the most respectful way of treating me then that means I am not a worthy person. But I know that I am a worthy person. That means that he isn’t the good person that I thought he was. And I don’t like writing people off that easily. I think it’s rude. I don’t think he has done anything to intentionally hurt me and so it doesn’t warrant my being rude.

But continuing to believe that he is as good a person as I thought he was hurts me on a level I have no experience with. I’m dealing with it but it’s going to take a lot of time. Time that I feel I could have saved if he had respected me in the first place and just told me the truth: either he never wanted to be friends or he just can’t handle being friends with me right now. If he did tell me the latter, I didn’t understand him clearly enough. But I’m not going to reach out again so I’ll never know.

There is so much more going on that I want to write about but I’ve run out of time. I’m off to see 50/50 with the lovely Ashley Gibson.

Oh but quickly before I go: Thank you so much to the smoking hot Raymi for the shout-out on her blog. I feel like I’m on fire

Also, did you know that I love Christine Estima <3

Footnotes:

1. to some of you this will come as a complete shock because to you it won’t appear like I ask for much at all but believe me that I do[↩]
2. or lack thereof[↩]

The above is a cute movie I found when I went on flickr and searched for the tag “Hope”.

I am almost 30 years old and I never thought I was one of those people who let the numbers of their age affect their outlook on life but I suppose that’s one of the last¹ naive sort of things that you think when you simply haven’t realised any better yet.

Some people who may be reading this and know exactly what I’m talking about will nod in understanding and some who haven’t experienced this² will be confused and for that I apologise because I’m not going to elaborate on this right now.

What I want to talk about is dating; more specifically: sex and dating. Why is it SO difficult for us to be honest about what we want? Why is it so difficult for us to be more open-minded when we finally hear the truth from someone?

My heart hurts right now because some very dear friends of mine have gotten hurt recently; regardless of whether the hurter³ intended to be dismissive of the hurtee’s⁴ feelings or not – a sudden change that causes the hurt doesn’t make the hurting any easier to deal with.

Almost two months ago, I decided that I was done with the lifestyle that I had been keeping: casual, distant and unattached⁵; I decided I wanted to try being in a serious relationship again. I guess in a way, I decided that enough time had passed since I broke someone’s heart and that my heart had been tricked by someone else. I thought I was ready.

Naturally my focus shifted to other things a little more: exercise, eating right, work, my passions, friends, family… and I haven’t really been dating. And the recent news of my friends getting hurt has made me realise just how much I have been hoping⁶ that this date that I have tonight is somehow going to be the one I’ve been waiting for.

What a dork. That certainly snapped me out of that! However, it also got me thinking about my past relationships and the hurt I’ve experienced in the past. I wondered why it is that I’ve been able to keep hope in love. I don’t have an answer yet. But I did want to ask everyone out there…

Do you still believe in love?

Footnotes:

1. perhaps?[↩]
2. regardless of what age you may be[↩]
3. let’s pretend that’s a real word[↩]
4. again with the pretending[↩]
5. yet somehow never really alone[↩]
6. despite convincing myself that I wasn’t hoping[↩]