There one where I get a little cynical

love

I’m a hopeless romantic, and I think that’s my biggest problem1, the fact that I’m hopeless about romance. I think that while I was growing up, the notion of being hopelessly romantic was the best because it meant that one would be romantic no matter what; that you would choose love, no matter what.

Now that I’m older, and not less prone to my impulses, I’ve come to the realization that it’s pretty stupid silly to be hopeless about the subject of love and romance. Being a hopeless romantic means that you are the type who would do anything for the person who is lucky enough to earn a place in your heart. “Ain’t no mountain high enough, Ain’t no valley low enough, Ain’t no river wide enough, To keep me from you”; and other such unrealistic proclamations, these are the sort of things you’d hear someone – who was a hopeless romantic – utter. It’s lovely, isn’t it? Doesn’t it awaken those butterflies in your stomach? Make your heart race, and your palms sweat? Me. Too.

Of course, as I’ve already stated – all that romantic stuff is unrealistic. You swoon while you make promises of such grand gestures and your ‘love’ is elated because, “Oh my god, you’d do all that for me? I feel so special”. Of course, unless you back it up with actions that demonstrate your dedication, you’re just a liar. Maybe that’s a little unfair – maybe you didn’t mean to lie about the things you’d do to make the other person happy; maybe you had every intention to do those things but life got in the way. Either way, it still proves my point – being a hopeless romantic is really one being just hopeless. Maybe there’s nothing romantic about it all. We were just taught to think so.

Now say, you’re on the other side of that coin and you are the one who needs to hear such proclamations of adoration to truly feel loved. Well, you’re fucked too aren’t you?. The odds of you meeting someone who a) will adore you enough to speak to you like Romeo spoke to Juliet, b) will actually mean every word they say, and c) will share your hopeless romanticism is smaller than… something with really small odds2.

All I’m trying to say is that once upon a time, I believed in Once Upon a Time. And now I realize that all those fairy tales ended in a wedding or a marriage to someone they barely knew, with no follow-up story for how their lives actually played out. All that we were told was that they lived “happily ever after”, but we were never given proof. So I think it’s time to put away my hopes of finding the kind of adoration that I am, seemingly, cursed to feel for my partner. It’s time I realize that the way I love is the way that I love, and that anyone else I may pair up with isn’t going to love me the same way, but that doesn’t mean they love me any less. I guess.

So far, I’ve always known what I know about love. But for the first time in my life, I’m really unsure. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Footnotes:
  1. when it comes to relationships[]
  2. I am not a statistician[]

A good practice day

I sing. A lot. I’ve written about this love more than once. It simply makes my heart happy. Sometimes I like to sing a little more seriously than others; I think normal people call it ‘practicing’.

One day, I had a great practice. I still didn’t earn an A+, though; My brain decided to drop the lyrics about three quarters of the way through the second chorus but I didn’t let that faze((it just occurred to me how long it has been since I have used that word, man does it look freaky)) me. I skipped a couple of lines and took a breath for the part that was coming up: The hardest part. The bridge1.

You see, in this particular song, there’s a really high note that’s held for a long time and then it changes notes and you have to make it to sound as if sung from the same breath as previously mentioned! Well, fuck me. I have loved this song though. It’s my song. I’ve been trying to conquer it for so long and I have yet to get 100%. Maybe all I need is just one2, but I won’t know if I don’t get that first one.

[It’s funny how sometimes you could be writing about one thing yet there are a myriad of other life aspects it could be applied to. I digress.]

That day, not only did it feel perfectly comfortable skipping those words but I nailed the bridge. It felt so good. Better than sex3. And that was enough for me that day. I felt accomplished. On top of all that, I figured out a thing or two about my own voice and the inner workings of it. All by myself4.

I’d still prefer to get voice lessons at some point in my life; one day 🙂 For now, I’m just going to have to keep figuring it out on my own5.

What’s your favourite hobby?

Footnotes:
  1. say that in a deep bass voice[]
  2. 100 percent[]
  3. okay maybe they’re equal[]
  4. no, that was not the song[]
  5. no that was not the song either[]

An open invitation to joy

IMG_2461Life had become so negative for me. Over the last few years, life had become so negative. I don’t know when it started and I don’t know how I allowed myself to get so lost in it but it was before my last long term relationship1. 6 months after I moved out, and I’ve had plenty of time to think about what went wrong and why life seemed to have gotten so dire.

The start doesn’t matter, what happened doesn’t matter; that isn’t what I want to write about. I want to write about the change I am consciously going to will into my life this year. Currently, when something upsets me or hurts me I have this terrible habit, this awful learned behaviour to focus on the negative. Once upon a time, I was able to embrace the pain, process it and allow myself to learn what I needed to learn from the experience. That’s the healthy way to experience life, and I have been incapable of it for a while now. I know better. I know I’m capable of doing better.

I’m glad I am where I am. I’m glad I’m able to call out this problem, and know that now I can begin the journey to being2 healthier. There’s a part of me that wants to thank a certain someone for coming into my life and inspiring this change, but that wouldn’t be very fair to me. I’m extremely grateful that he’s in my life, and that he challenges me in ways that have helped me see this problem. I am making the choice to do something about it though; me. No one else can make this decision for me, and I am proud to say it from the proverbial rooftops that I am making the promise to do better this year.

So I am putting a call out to joy. My life has been lacking in joy3 for far too long, and it’s time to change that. And that change begins with me.

What changes are you going to make to your life in 2016?

Footnotes:
  1. the one many of my friends know about[]
  2. mentally[]
  3. and zen[]

Happy 2015: It’s a Brand New Year!

It isn’t that nothing notable has happened in my life since Remembrance Day. Rather, a lot happens every day and I can’t keep up anymore. I still want to write here. I still have things to say. I think I just need some time to figure out the things I want to say out loud. I love words too much to completely abandon this project.

I’m anxious and excited for 2015. I’m anxious because “5” years have never been good to me, but for the first time in my life I’m entering a “5” year after some pretty rough times and I’m excited because I think that things can only go up from here.

They will only go up from here1.

If you’ve been one of the few who still come to visit even though I don’t update often anymore2, I just want to say,

Thank You

And now I’d like to leave you with my selfie-laden-year-in-review.

January to May 2014June to July 2014July to September 2014September to December 2014November 2014November needs it’s own special collage, because it’s my favourite month of the year. There are other events I couldn’t find pictures for like the lovely Matt‘s birthday, Marie‘s birthday3, My wifey‘s return home, Playground Conference 2014, Storie‘s birthday, working on Say Yes to the Dress Canada, working as Ms. Jo Haughton‘s photography assistant, brunching or lunching with lovely people like Rannie Turnigan, Seth Wilson, Sara Noble and Jennifer Lui.

How was your 2014?

Footnotes:
  1. I will make sure of it[]
  2. or ever at all[]
  3. apparently I’m having too much fun at these parties to actually take clear pictures[]