fragileheart's journal

I’m not sure why, but for the last few weeks the thought has consumed me and it’s filling me with regret. I don’t like living with regret. Whenever I start to regret something that’s in the past, I force myself to look at what I can learn from it and eventually forgive myself for whatever it was. But this regret, this one is going to be a little harder because it’s something that I had been doing over and over again for many years.

The thought, the.. regret that I am living with is that I always used to think that my significant other should be able to read my mind. I know, it’s ridiculous right? But all my teenage life¹ that is how I handled my relationships. And bravo to the guys who managed to read my mind² because they got rewarded with my undying affection. But as you can imagine, I was met with more disappointment than pleasant surprises with this frame of mind.

I used to think that as soon as I told my significant other what it was I wanted them to do, I didn’t want them to do it anymore because it wasn’t of their own volition. And my dear friend hindsight finally showed me a couple³ years ago that it is okay to tell someone how I want them to act or re-act to me. It’s still hard. For me.

It’s hard for me to remember that it’s ok to tell someone that I need them to just hear me and not get mad at me right now. It’s hard to imagine that someone won’t get offended when you tell them that you just need some alone time. It’s nearly impossible to think that someone will understand when you tell them your darkest thoughts and still be around when you come out.

True to regret, if I had known when I was a teenager that it was ok to speak such thoughts⁴ maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t feel so lonely most of the time.

Footnotes:

1. and then some[↩]
2. or just happen to whatever it was that I wanted them to[↩]
3. yes, couple… as in two[↩]
4. to anyone, not just a significant other… this rule applies to friends too[↩]

My dear friend and fellow blogger Erica of Fiveblondes.com, shared something really personal the other day and it got me thinking about the times I’ve done something similar to someone else. Granted if it was someone I was that¹ close to, I would have been more honest… but that’s me. The thing is that I’m guilty of drifting… and sometimes² out right ignoring the other person and sometimes… even totally out of the blue³.

I was living in Dublin and about to come home for a dear friend’s⁴ wedding. Maria⁵ started emailing me… about a textbook I borrowed from her the spring before, our last exam season together.  I wasn’t going to be in town for very long and I had a lot that I wanted to accomplish while I was here⁶ and her asking me for this text book really irked me⁷. I still don’t know why, because it’s not a complicated request… in fact it was a very simple request but I guess it was the simplicity of the request combined with the limited time I had that didn’t sit too well with me.

Perhaps too it was because she didn’t ask me if I wanted to meet up for drinks or any other social gathering… no, she asked me to bring the textbook to the wedding. To. The. Wedding. A wedding that was not taking place in Toronto. A wedding where I will be wearing something that can’t really get accessorized by a textbook.

Now, bless my Mum for playing along with this but I asked her to mail the textbook to Maria or at least try and organise it so that Maria could pick up the text from my Mum’s office⁸ so that I wouldn’t have to give her to textbook at the wedding. I don’t remember what actually happened, but I know she got it in the end.

At the wedding, I was polite as we shared a table with about 6 other people and our dates⁹ but I didn’t need to focus on trying not to talk to her because the rest of the table was just so much fun and the two of them just sat there like zombies, with barely a smile on their faces¹⁰.

After the wedding, I remember getting an email from her asking me what happened to us. It went on to talk about how we used to be so close and etc. I never replied to the email but it is still in my archives… I’m not sure I ever will really. And the sad thing is that I don’t really feel like there’s been anything missing in my life since she’s been gone from it.

Now, even though you’re my brain twin, I feel the need to specify this: Erica, I don’t think this story is similar to yours because honestly if you were gone from my life I know for sure there would be something missing – and I can only imagine that feeling is mutual for anyone who has met you.. because let’s face it, you’re freakin’ awesome. You see Maria unfortunately wasn’t so awesome… in fact, she was extremely negative. And who needs that in their life right? I wasn’t trying to find an explanation for why that girl¹¹ essentially shunned you like she did but if I had to guess, it would be because she simply went insane. The end¹².

Imagine you’re in an inflatable raft without oars at sea. You start out near the shore and slowly, but surely you start drifting farther and farther away from it. If you ignore your qualms, drifting starts to feel good – almost freeing… but there’s always that nagging voice at the back of your head that makes the drifting feel not-so-good. I feel like this good-bad feeling combo also applies to when you’re drifting apart from someone you either used to care about a lot or just used to spend a lot of time with. Of course the good to bad ratio varies depending on how much you cared about said person in the first place.

So what I want to know is this, have you ever been in a situation where drifting apart¹³ hasn’t felt good and bad at the same time?

Footnotes:

1. as in as close as Eri was to that girl – no she doesn’t get a name in my story[↩]
2. ok, maybe just one time[↩]
3. seemingly, to the other person[↩]
4. who I haven’t seen in over two years actually… perhaps this can be partially explained by this post… hm…[↩]
5. name has been changed to protect… her[↩]
6. and by accomplish, I mean drink[↩]
7. read: annoyed the fuck outta[↩]
8. which is at our University[↩]
9. I brought my not-so little brother, she brought her bf who I’m pretty sure she’s still with[↩]
10. did I mention it was a wedding-and-therefore-a-happy-occasion-I-thought-so[↩]
11. yeah, still no name for her on my blog[↩]
12. well, not really the end, there’s more… see below[↩]
13. whether intentional or not[↩]

My Lolo¹ is in town. He arrived on Thursday and I’m a bit of an emotional mess. It’s different having your Mum’s Dad in your life… and for the most part, For the most part, I’ve been avoiding contact with him. He’s from such a different generation and I can’t even begin to imagine what he thinks of me and how I live my life. He constantly teases me and I just laugh it off but its all I can do to cry and tell him I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment.

This is new to me because I’ve never been the type to care about what someone thinks of me… I tend to apologise for making them feel uncomfortable but I never apologise for living my life the way I want to live it. And for one reason or another, he is different. I’ve only ever been exposed to him during limited time periods… a vacation that lasted two weeks… to a maximum of one month… and there have been always been other family members around to take the focus off me.

You see my Mum is the oldest of 7 children; I was the first grandchild, and the only grand-daughter on my Mum’s side of the family² and that is why they named me what they named me³. And I always get this feeling from my Lolo that he expects me to do great things… and while I’ve been brought up with the belief that everything I do is great⁴ I still feel like I’m running out of time.

In the very first entry on this version of this blog, you’ll read about my Lola⁵… and how I lost her way too soon. My Lolo is pretty strong… but he’s definitely a weaker version than what I remember from my childhood. If there’s anyone who I want to make proud of what I’ve accomplished in my life, it would be him. Despite never really knowing him as well as I know my parents… I want to make him so proud of me that he will finally understand that even though I haven’t led my life the way my Mum led hers it doesn’t make me any less amazing than she is.

I’m sure growing up without him in my life plays a huge part in all this, but I’m curious… how do you feel about your Grandparents?

Footnotes:

1. Grandfather in Tagalog aka Filipino[↩]
2. actually, I was the only grand-daughter on both sides for a long time[↩]
3. if you don’t know yet, you might want to actually establish contact with me so I can tell you[↩]
4. no matter how small[↩]
5. Grandmother in Tagalog[↩]

I’ve written about death a lot in the past month and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. I’m not complaining, because it’s a fact of life but I do hope there are happier times ahead for everyone involved. An old friend from high school passed away earlier this month and I’ve been given the morning off so I can attend the mass being held for her tomorrow morning.

I was going to go to the funeral home today, but I chickened out. For one reason or another I didn’t feel like I belonged there. In hindsight, I’m sure the family would have appreciated my being there… but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m afraid to go to the mass tomorrow but I will be going to that. I don’t know anyone else that is going to be there, but it doesn’t matter.

It’ll be extra weird because this is the first time I will be stepping foot in that church in almost 3 years. I used to sing with the choir and I hear that the choir master who I studied under is no longer there. I’ve decided not to wear mascara in case I start bawling my eyes out. I don’t know how to feel about her death… it has been quite some time since we drifted apart but I remember her vividly and it’s a horrible loss for the world to be without such a caring soul¹.

Please take a moment to wish her soul well, to help her and her beloved rest in the peace that they deserve.

Footnotes:

1. I can’t imagine she would have changed from the person I knew in high school, and from what I hear the changes were amazing[↩]

I’m borrowing this line from Jewel’s song, of which I posted the lyrics to a few years ago, to help me talk about something I’ve been dealing with for the last little while. All though, ‘dealing with’ is a phrase that I use loosely. I am not going through this thing at all… a friend is. He lost the love of his life and is taking it pretty hard. And sadly, it’s a pretty common theme no matter what stage of life you’re in.

I don’t make it a habit to be in contact with people who could possibly bring me down, because I’ve always been pretty dark myself¹. But he is different. He’s a very kind soul, and I really feel for him. I feel bad that he’s been treated the way that he has and I wish there were some way to make him realise that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel that he’s in right now. But having had my heart broken a bunch of times before, I know better than to think that anything I say right now will make it all better.

Nothing but time will help him… but I’m worried that his will and want for things to go south will overcome any good that can come out of this situation. Am I being an eternal optimist by thinking that there is some good that come out of this? Maybe. But I’d rather be the eternal optimist than help him think this is the end for him and that the world would be better without him in it. I just don’t believe that.

Something else that came up as a debate within myself is whether its better to be the kind of person who lives and breathes for another person or to be the kind of person who can bounce back from anything because all they really need is themselves to be happy.

I finished reading The Notebook recently and it made me tear up everytime there was mention of this man devoting his life to this other person who wasn’t always there anymore. Just for the possibility that she’ll come back to him, even if only briefly. I’m sure everyone wants that: to be the person that someone devotes their life to making someone else happy. I think most people want to be that kind of person because its romantic… but its self-destructive at the same time.

When you live and breath for someone else’s happiness, your happiness and well-being tends to get neglected for if some reason or another the person that you choose doesn’t choose you – you’re done for. But let’s take the other extreme, and think about being the kind of person who can bounce back from rejection and continue life as if it was just as grand as the day before. Sure, you experience less heartache but when think back on your relationships will you really have the kind of memories that make you tear up a little bit remembering the elation you felt during your happiest times?

I know its possible to be both, because I like to believe that it is how I am. I tend to love whole-heartedly and allow my heart to get shattered into a million pieces. So far I have had no regrets in who I’ve loved² and I have no intention of holding back anytime soon.

What do you think: Is it better to love whole-heartedly and risk having your heart broken in a million pieces OR is it better to hold back so you can continue living your life if the relationship were to end?

Footnotes:

1. I know you’re surprised, but trust me on this one[↩]
2. only regrets about who’s hearts I’ve broken[↩]