fragileheart's journal

There is the running theme in my life these days. One that has me making an effort when I simply don’t want to. It takes discipline, and it takes humility and I am trying my best. I’ve never been good at either¹ but they’re lessons I desperately need to learn if I’m ever going to succeed in getting the career I want. In this way, I’m a late bloomer because I should’ve learnt these lessons long before I finished University but it’s just not the way it has gone. I’m ok with it.

I think that making an effort in a professional capacity is easier. It’s easier than doing so in your personal life², because when you’re making this effort – that you don’t want to make – for someone else, you feel forced; trapped; and in great danger of becoming resentful. It’s become important to remember the sacrifices that the other person has made for you and realize that they didn’t ‘put’ you in this position out of spite and so you shouldn’t feel any³.

I’m writing about this vaguely because I simply can’t write about it openly. A wise woman said to me this weekend that you have to write with the one person you don’t want reading what you’ve written in mind, so that is what I’m doing. I need to write about it, but I also know how they feel about when I write about things in the open – so as part of my effort making, I’m writing in the vague and hoping that it is enough of a compromise.

How often do you have to make an effort to do something even though you simply don’t want to?

Footnotes:

1. can you say spoiled? I can![↩]
2. and therefore for someone else[↩]
3. spite[↩]

I finally buckled down and organised my room tonight. I’ve been dying to do it since before I left for Mexico but life would always get in the way¹. And I was hoping I would feel better, but I’m still a little bit lost. I seem to have used that description when referring to myself a lot in the last few months… I guess I’m not working hard enough to find myself. Or maybe, I actually like being lost.

I’ve always been the type who needed to feel in control² but ever since my (for lack of a better term) rebirth while living in Dublin, I haven’t really felt as much need to be in control of very much. Sure, I still like things done a certain way and I certainly still like having a place for everything and everything in its place but I so don’t let things upset me unless I actually have control over them.

Why do I have to have all the answers anyway? I honestly wish I had the sense to be ok with being lost when I was younger because it’s more acceptable to be ‘soul searching’ when you’re not almost 30.  To which I say.. bullshit!³ So what if I’m 28 in a couple of months and still haven’t the faintest idea what I want to be ‘when I grow up’ or even have the faintest idea what I want to be doing right now?

No really… what could possibly go wrong?

Footnotes:

1. not that I’m complaining, I enjoyed every distraction that came along![↩]
2. yes, I was totally a Type A… except when it came to school *shrug*[↩]
3. how I miss playing that card game. Tell me you know said game? If you don’t, we’re going out and we’re going to play. Right. Now![↩]

So I started my new job today. I was nervous. I didn’t realise it until last night but I haven’t really been nervous starting a job since I moved to Dublin. And the only reason I was nervous then was because I was in a new country¹ and who wouldn’t be nervous starting a new job in a new country – even if all you’re doing is serving fancy food and drinks in a fancy hotel bar?

My first impressions are good. Better than the first impressions I observed on the day of my interview. My boss lady is spunky and fun but she means business², and her assistant³ is thorough⁴, methodical and geeky⁵. Both are so super nice which is a definite relief because I will be working very closely with them on everything. Quite the contrast from my previous place of employment. That reminds me I have to write down people’s addresses from there so I can email them from my work email. They don’t mind if I email people… but I may not get to tweet as much as I used to. More so because of the nature of what I have to do rather than the work load though… I know you all think I hardly had any work to do while I was at my previous job but honestly, it was just that most of what I had to do was on the internet and my computer could handle a browser with 30+ tabs open⁶.

That’s all I’m willing to say right now because I don’t want to jump the gun too much but I have a good feeling about it… now if only I could figure out the fastest way to get rid of this heat rash on my face. I’ve applied my Aveeno anti-itch cream all over but now my ears and cheeks are just burning… I can’t win! Not to worry though… I’ll be taking doubling my does of allergy medicine and passing out soon after this post goes live.

Another new beginning? I finally started doing some of my french e-berlitz lessons that I signed up for in April⁷. I’ve only missed about 76 hours of study since April. But now that I’ll be getting home around 5 p.m.⁸ maybe I’ll actually be able to get some done! I haven’t done too badly so far⁹ at 94% correct answers! Considering everything is being presented to be in french, I’m quite proud of myself. Yes, there are some¹⁰ explanations provided but it’s nothing to go on while I’m trying to answer the questions I’m given.

Anyway… What is the longest job you’ve ever had? If it’s the career you’re in now, how did you start out and how did you know it was what you wanted to do for the rest of your life?

Footnotes:

1. and possibly because I followed my heart not knowing whether or not it was going to get shattered into a million pieces. again. by the same guy but we all know that didn’t happen… yet? hehe j/k …oh man this is a long footnote. sorry![↩]
2. not to mention she’s super smart[↩]
3. essentially, my partner in crime[↩]
4. kind of like someone we all know – and yes I mean me[↩]
5. but only in the cool way that I’m geeky – oh the cockiness![↩]
6. most of the time[↩]
7. that’ll expire in April 2010[↩]
8. there you go stalker dear[↩]
9. I’ve only completed 2 1/2 hours[↩]
10. very limited[↩]

There have been a lot of changes in my life in the last year or so. And they’re not about to stop either. For the most part, I’ve been going with the flow… but I’m starting to feel some ‘growing pains’ if you will. My head is starting to spin and I need to catch my breath. And so it’s the perfect time to get back into blogging.

I started blogging before it was even called blogging and I didn’t even care if I had readers because for the most part I only wrote about boy issues and whatever else a 17 year old might have had to write about¹. I almost stopped blogging once, mostly because he asked me to. But I just couldn’t live without it so I tried blogging under a completely anonymous blog… but I felt like a liar so I came back to fragileheart.com.

With the growing popularity of blogging and of online social media in general, it’s become harder to hide online – as strange as that sounds. These days I have a lot ‘real life friends’ who have joined the blogging, tweeting² community whereas before, I could hide in the comfort of the online world knowing that I would never have to see these people³ face to face. It was different if I ever met these people who read my blog in person after the fact, because it meant that they would want to meet me despite knowing what I say when I think no one is looking.

I’m struggling a little. I cna’t write in my diary, and I haven’t really been able to openly write in my diary since a certain incident I’m sure someone would rather I didn’t talk about. Which means that my thoughts that should never be uttered have no where to go. And that means they stay in my head, forever swirling around in the sea of memories, fantasies and unicorns⁴. I’m trying… trying to open up to people but it’s really difficult. Sure, I don’t have a problem sharing… but believe it or not, there is a lot I don’t share. There is a lot that I would rather only ever repeat to myself and analyse on my own. I like coming to my own conclusions and I like dealing with problems on my own. But I need to be able to have things out in the open⁵ so I can sort through said things… but what do I do when I have no where to hide?

Maybe it’s the fact that I’ll be thirty in a little over 2 years⁶… but it sure feels like I’m going through adolescence again. I feel lost, confused and yet like I know it all and can do anything I put my mind to – if only I could build up the confidence to get moving.

Have you been through this?

Footnotes:

1. I wasn’t terribly concerned about very much going on in the world, so sadly the boy thing was pretty much the extent of my concerns back then – judge me if you wish. I’m not ashamed[↩]
2. and worse yet the facebook[↩]
3. who read my deepest, and darkest thoughts[↩]
4. if you believe that one, you need help[↩]
5. just written down really, it doesn’t need to be public[↩]
6. despite still feeling like I’m only 22… and constantly being told that I don’t look 27[↩]