I’m not sure why, but for the last few weeks the thought has consumed me and it’s filling me with regret. I don’t like living with regret. Whenever I start to regret something that’s in the past, I force myself to look at what I can learn from it and eventually forgive myself for whatever it was. But this regret, this one is going to be a little harder because it’s something that I had been doing over and over again for many years.
The thought, the.. regret that I am living with is that I always used to think that my significant other should be able to read my mind. I know, it’s ridiculous right? But all my teenage life1 that is how I handled my relationships. And bravo to the guys who managed to read my mind2 because they got rewarded with my undying affection. But as you can imagine, I was met with more disappointment than pleasant surprises with this frame of mind.
I used to think that as soon as I told my significant other what it was I wanted them to do, I didn’t want them to do it anymore because it wasn’t of their own volition. And my dear friend hindsight finally showed me a couple3 years ago that it is okay to tell someone how I want them to act or re-act to me. It’s still hard. For me.
It’s hard for me to remember that it’s ok to tell someone that I need them to just hear me and not get mad at me right now. It’s hard to imagine that someone won’t get offended when you tell them that you just need some alone time. It’s nearly impossible to think that someone will understand when you tell them your darkest thoughts and still be around when you come out.
True to regret, if I had known when I was a teenager that it was ok to speak such thoughts4 maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t feel so lonely most of the time.