Exhausted and missing…

I’m exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I continue to push myself to work hard because I want to keep my mind from thinking about Peter so that I don’t feel any pain in my heart. But I’m fighting a losing battle. No matter what I do, no matter who I’m seeing, no matter what friends I keep and have the best time of my life with – at the end of the day my entire being longs for him.

I spoke to Alexander1 last night, and we had a small conversation about seeing other people… I say small conversation because it was mostly him making jokes while I laughed and never really answered the questions he was trying to slyly ask while making his jokes. I wish I had said something, but now I think it’s time that I really did bring it up to him the next time I see him. We’re going to see Sam‘s exhibit tomorrow afternoon before he has to go to work… I’m not sure if I’ll bring it up then or later. But I’m thinking it’s time to actually have a serious conversation about where we’re going with this. I think I’ve thought about it long enough and I’m pretty sure that I don’t want it to get any more serious than it has been. I’m not looking for commitment… but I have to admit that I’ve liked having his attention.

Now come the things I can’t say to him but are the honest truth… As much as I’ve liked having his attention… it’s not fair to expect either of us to be exclusive for the sole reason that my heart still belongs to someone else. Even though he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore2. I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I’m afraid to be alone and I don’t want to be the type of person that can’t be alone. But I think that because I’ve experienced what it’s been like to not have any close friends around you and have no one3 care about you at all, that I’m so afraid of being single because it means that I won’t have anyone care about me.

A friend of mine Don L1. tells me that I should try not dating for while, and he insists that I can do it. But ever since Dante1. I haven’t spent anytime as a single girl… in the sense that even if I wasn’t someone’s girlfriend I was still ‘dating’ someone or people at the time. *shrug* I’m exhausted.

Footnotes:
  1. name has been changed to protect the innocent[][][]
  2. yes despite his constant proclamations of missing me and wishing he was here with me[]
  3. thankfully my parents still cared about my well being, though not the same[]