Going through the motions with sincere apologies

For the first time since I can remember, I am the depressing one this Christmas. I can only hope this means that the rest of the world is happy this time of year. I have this belief that my mood largely depends on the rest of the world; when it’s sad I’m ecstatic and when it’s happy I tend to get depressed. Why? I believe it’s because there is something inside of me that needs to see a balance in the world. Obviously in this belief I also have a huge ego to think that my little mood changes could actually make a difference but go with me here.

This Christmas is a pretty painful one and each day that passes only makes it harder. I’m not sure I want to admit that it’s because I’m sad that I’m not celebrating it with my ex1. Not that I would still want to be with him, but you have to understand that for the last five years I’ve spent Christmas with him. Or at the very least, I’ve spent New Year’s with him. They weren’t always pleasant, in fact the first was down right heart breaking but the point is that we were together. Despite everything, I still thought that I would always be spending my future Christmases with him. I never expected this.

I didn’t expect this pain. Not now, not ever. I want to apologise to everyone who sent me their mailing addresses for Christmas cards but I honestly haven’t had the energy to write them. I’ve bought the cards because that was easy, but sitting still is difficult. Even writing this post has been done in one to two minute intervals because I just can’t sit still for fear that I’ll just break down crying. I might still send them… but it won’t get to you before Christmas and I’m sorry2.

Christmas is my favourite time of year, most years. This year… this year, I just want to crawl into a hole and forget it ever existed. Please write me about how happy your Christmases are this year because I need to know that it’s happy for everyone else. I need to know the world is balanced and that not everyone is feeling as shitty as I am. I know that some of you3 are concerned for me now but honestly I know I will be ok, I just need to hear of your happiness and all will be right with me.

Please tell me you’re happy, dear readers. I need you.

Footnotes:
  1. except that I think I just did[]
  2. you may forgive me, but we all know I’m pretty hard on myself – this is a pretty huge failure for me[]
  3. you dear, dear hearts[]

responses to “Going through the motions with sincere apologies” 13

  1. @Cromely: Thanks for the advice. I did pretty much what you suggested and just took each moment as it came. Made it easier to deal with things. Hope you had a nice Christmas??

    @Penny: Thanks sweetheart. This Christmas was a bit drinkless for me this year. Probably for the best or I might have ended up doing something crazy with all these silly emotions running through my veins! How was your Christmas??

    @erin: Thank you for following my instructions. Maybe I can send you some Valentine’s cookies for being one (the only one?) to do that!! I’m so glad that you had a wonderful holiday and it really, honestly did bring a smile to my face so thank you for that. Thank you too for your kind words.

    @Greggy: I have missed your words on my blog, old friend. I’m not sure if it’s possible to have gone away but I did feel like I wasn’t the real me for quite some time. The words didn’t flow the way the once used to, and the way they do now. I hope you’re back and I hope I am too. Thank you too for the reminder that I am loved; it certainly didn’t feel like it this Christmas but reading this made me smile.

    @trench: Belated Merry Christmas Chris! Thank you 🙂 Love you too!

    @miss tique: So happy to (sort of) meet someone else who feels the same way that I do about balancing the world out. I still enjoyed Christmas despite my troubled heart this year, thank you 🙂 I hope you had a wonderful Christmas. And thank you, I do love you too. xo

  2. My boyfriend also thinks that the balance is kept in the same way as you do. So there are at least 2 people in the world who counterbalance the happiness/sadness of everybody else 🙂

    I do hope from all my heart that you (at least) enjoyed Christmas this year, too.

    Hugs & I’m with trench – We do love you!”

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