Relationships. Insecurities. Dating. For all of my writing, what do I really know about any of it? Not any more than what you probably know. You cheat on someone and lie about it you break their heart and lose their trust forever. You verbally abuse someone for long enough, you break their heart and lose their trust forever. If someone loses trust in people they date for long enough, they eventually assume that no one is worth trusting. But what of those hopeless romantics? What of those eternal optimists? What happens when they become so jaded that all they want to do is stay single?
Now that I’ve decided to stay single1, I pay more attention to my friend’s relationships. I find it interesting to see them making the same mistakes I have made. And it’s hard not to criticize them. If only because I’m on the outside, looking in. You never can get a clear look at everything when you’re observing that way. Despite feeling like a hypocrite, I find myself becoming more and more convinced that staying single is my ‘answer’ right now.
How do I figure? I’ve been focusing on ‘boys’ since I can remember. Even when I was a child, it was my sole purpose to make their lives a living hell. Oh what a bully I was to my cousins. And though I’m not sure whether I ever fully understood the meaning of a companion when I first ‘liking’ boys2 but somehow that always trumped any career options available to me.
Moving to Ireland was not a good career move. And even if it was, since I moved there to work for a prestigious hotel company then quitting that job to make sure that I could spend time with the boy was definitely not the right move. It wasn’t a sacrifice in my eyes because I loved him and I wanted to do whatever it took to make things work -regardless of what that meant for other aspects of my life. Career, finances, whatever. And so I’m 28 years old and watching people all around me with careers and status that I didn’t necessarily think I wanted but somehow still feeling a little left out.
It’s tough. But I’ll admit I sort of did this to myself. So I guess I just have to lie in this bed I’ve made. Even though there is a huge part of me that wants to give in and return to the search. But you know, my compass is in the shop.