One of the worst symptoms of living in fear is that it becomes very difficult to give love without expecting some love back in return; at least that’s what I noticed in this time I’ve spent trying to heal my self, and my heart.
My heart and soul feel worn, used, and utterly exhausted. Somehow though, I still want to love. I still want to love with the same intensity I used to before I knew what pain was. There’s a part of me that judges myself for it. It tells me that I am a fool, and I’ll only continue to get hurt and abandoned by those I love. I choose not to listen to that part of me. I know that my strength lies in being able to be kind and, loving and being a human being regardless of whether or not the person I’m sending my love to reciprocates.
I should stipulate that I’m not just talking about romantic love. I’m talking about love in all forms. One can love our family, our friends and even strangers. How many times have you held a door for someone and become pissed because they didn’t express gratitude? Maybe they just found out their family member was diagnosed with cancer, and they’re trying their best to keep their shit together while they’re out in public. No matter what their reason for not thanking you, it really shouldn’t matter. If you *want* to hold the door open for someone, do it, just don’t expect them to thank you for it. Put it in the karma bank.
This has been the best philosophy to have come back to me from my formative months of zen many moons ago. And in this difficult time when I find myself in an emotionally challenging position that I am unwilling to remove myself from1, it is a welcome breath of fresh air. Giving myself permission to send out love, when I feel like it, knowing full well that it may never get returned is saving my life.
Some people have a seemingly endless supply of love to give the world, and some have a limited supply; there is no reason that each of these people can’t do what they need to do in this life to feel safe. Whether or not there are supposed relationship commitments or ties or whether you’re just acquaintances with umpteen mutual friends; there really is no reason that you can’t take space away from someone to become whole again and it also doesn’t mean that you can’t send love when you feel ready.
Because I’m being vague, I feel I need to specify that when you send love without expecting anything in return: that includes a response. So… if you send a message, and they don’t respond: don’t send a follow-up message; especially if they’re someone who has never responded to any of your previous messages. Y’know. Be cool.
Sending love out to all of you. i hope that 2016 has been treating you well so far.
*This blog post is extremely vague because of reasons.
- I am not done loving here yet, and I am certain my situation is not uncommon[↩]