Make up my mind…

I’ve been talking to Peter a lot lately… and today I asked him the question, “Are you happy about the way things are between us?” Being that we broke up when he left in April, yet we talk often and as if we were still dating1 . . . but we’re still broken up.

His response? “I think it’s good and it’s bad at the same time”. When I asked the question I was obviously hoping for him to say yes, because I’m quite happy with the way things are since there is no pressure on either of us and we can totally still be okay with missing and still loving the other person. But the fact that he answered that way, makes me think that he doesn’t feel the same about me and I can’t make up my mind on whether or not to let go or not.

Alexander2 called me yesterday… from a satellite phone. He has no immediate contact with the outside world except for his tourist customers that change every week and he made an effort to call me and talk to me. Not to mention he’s written me two letters (which I haven’t gotten yet, but he says he’s sent them) and he’s only been gone about a month… he’s so sweet and I’m so very touched. But for some strange reason, I can’t completely let myself go for him.

My heart still belongs to him, but my mind is telling me to give up on him and go with Alexander because he treats me so much better than he ever did and still to this day does…. It’s been stressing me out a lot lately because Alexander is coming back in the first week of September and he’s going expecting us to “pick up where we left off” which was seeing each other exclusively and to be honest, I don’t really want to. But I don’t want to stop seeing him either… is that fair of me? argh!?

Footnotes:
  1. “I miss you loads” is always said, “I love you” from time to time, we even have our share of intimate phone conversations[]
  2. name has been changed to protect the innocent[]