I’m sure there is so much more I could say, but I’m going to let this video speak for itself.
It’s the only direction I’m interested in going. Except this weekend, I apparently needed to wallow in the past and miss some things that I am living without1; things that I have been quite happy living without for a while now.
I’m welcoming the sadness. After all, I’ve been pretty lucky. I spent the entire holiday season barely feeling any of it. I do wish I knew what brought it on, but for now I’ll have to settle for at least being able to be grateful that I still get to feel things at all.
I remember feeling this way far too often in the last three to four years of horrible romantic relationship luck. It used to be accompanied by feelings of inferiority, failure and incredible anxiety. Always a party when those guys get together. This is different… but if you’ll excuse me I’m still going to go wallow for as long as I need to.
And then I’ll get back to the whole looking, moving and grooving forward.
- honestly, too many to get into[↩]
I had another post ready to go for today. I had to pull it because of reasons.
I’ve been taking a selfie a day1. [So many] Years ago, someone I admire and adore did this thing where he took a mug shot a day. I don’t recall if he posted it on twitter or whatever but I remember the project. I thought I’d do one for 2017, but it’s a smile-a-day. I missed Jan 1st because I was hungover and I had to prepare food for a pot-luck dinner but I haven’t missed a day since…except this collage is missing yesterdays because of reasons 😛
Don’t you just hate reasons?
I’ve tried my best to take the photo with a somewhat white or plain background, or at the same time everyday but the most important rule has been: don’t miss a day so there you go. These aren’t in order of day but they will be when I compile the slideshow/video/thing.
- that I haven’t been posting online[↩]
This time last year I was fighting to keep a love that I was losing. I think it’s amusing to look back at the situation, because I was fighting so hard and of course it did nothing because: I was the only one left fighting. I just hope that the next time that happens, I stop fighting sooner so I can save myself the time. I’ve spent the last four months of the year off of online dating platforms and also not actively seeking to date1. It has been extremely rewarding to say the least2.
This Christmas season, as the entire world welled up with sentimental, and loving feelings it was really tempting to feel sad about the things I still miss. Except I have so much to be grateful for in my life right now that I’d be foolish to give in permanently. I’ve allowed myself small moments of sadness, but just enough that allows me to appreciate all that I do have.
I’m not going to pretend I’m completely healed though. I have a long way to go, but at least it’s gotten easier to see, and remain on the bright side. I’ve been listening to The Book of Joy by Desmond Tutu, the Dalai Lama and Douglas Carlton Abrams and it’s the most perfect thing to listen to around this time of year, but I’m sure it would be great at any time.
When depression is something you’re susceptible to, it’s so far too easy to become angry at the world; to become someone quick to anger, and to become afflicted by that cynicism that every city-dweller is so prone/accustomed to. I hate being that way. I was there though: Someone’s bag on the subway accidentally touched my leg and that person is an asshole; someone didn’t respond to my text message for two days and that person is an asshole3.
I had actually downloaded the book in September, but I had to wait until I finished a few other books before I could listen to it. What karmic timing that I was able to start it last week. My favourite lessons are:
Be mischievous. Don’t take life too seriously; don’t be afraid to make jokes and to have fun with life.
Let suffering shape you. There are always going to be bad times; be prepared for it, don’t escape it and allow it to teach you the life lessons it is meant to teach you. Be graceful in spite of suffering, but don’t judge yourself for the times when you aren’t able to be. Just strive to be better next time. So much of what causes heartache is when you try hard to change the way things are, rather than just accepting them as they are.
Fear has a purpose. If something terrifies you, take the time to figure out what that fear is trying to teach you. Sometimes it’s only purpose is to show you what you want most of all, and sometimes that fear is trying to show you areas in which you still need to grow.
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it”.
Minimizing worry is a worthwhile exercise. Stress and Anxiety are a part of life, and can’t be avoided. Something is always going to happen to cause stress, anxiety or worry. It takes training, but it is possible. There isn’t really an easy answer to make it happen either. You have to find what works for you but I would suggest reading or listening to audiobooks such as The Book of Joy or The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck might be a good place to start.
Prioritize Rest. Whether you just need 10 minutes of absolute quiet or 10 hours of sleep, or a good 3 hours at the gym – whatever you need to feel ‘right’. It’s easier to maintain your calm, and not over react to what life throws at you when you’re in a good head space.
Joy and Sorrow are tied together, and the less you try to separate them the easier it will be to see the importance of both in maintaining happiness and joy.
By far, my absolute favourite lesson from the book, and one that continually comes up as they carry on:
Be compassionate. Make it the focus of your life. Spend minutes, even hours a day figuring out how you can be better at being compassionate every day. Practice it so it becomes like breathing. It doesn’t matter whether other people will be doing the same – that isn’t your burden to carry. But MOST IMPORTANTLY: Be compassionate with yourself. Allow yourself to get angry, allow yourself to feel all the things – both positive and negative. What matters are your actions. Remain positive in your actions, and you can help spread joy and compassion.
It’s been great feeling like I can trust the universe again. It’s been great feeling like I can trust people again. What i am really enjoying is the feeling that I can trust myself to make the right choices, and behave in a way that I can be proud of. I’m also enjoying the fact that I don’t beat myself up too much when I don’t behave in a way that I can be proud of, because I know that I’ll behave in a way that at the very least attempts to make up for it. I know I’m not perfect, but that doesn’t mean I can’t stop trying and it doesn’t mean I should give up when I fail either.
I know we’re all still trying to figure things out, and I think that’s the most important thing to remember. No one has all the answers and when someone does something that doesn’t make sense or seems to be coming from a negative place – give them the benefit of the doubt. Rather than acting as if you are sure their actions are rooted in the negative, assume the best, and give them a chance to explain. I know it can seem like the world is inherently evil because of what we hear in the news but believe anyway damn it. Just fucking do it.
🙂 Or don’t. I’m not a cop.
In no particular order, my 2016 recapped in pictures: