Craziness. My friend Kris left for Barbados last night/early this morning and I drove her to the airport. Her flight was at 8:30AM and she had to be at the airport at 6:30AM. Last night after work I went to the Frog & the Firkin with people from work. Afterwards we went back to Sarah’s place. I left Sarah’s at 6:00AM. I got home from the airport at 7:30AM. I think I got up at 2:30PM. Got ready for work and then left. I was starving at work all night. Got really light-headed around 9:30PM but luckily the restaurant was not busy.
I’ve been kinda depressed in the last couple of days. I should be excited because I’m going to Ireland for New Year’s but I think with the conversation I had with Peter on Thursday, I’m starting to think that maybe it doesn’t matter that I’ve never felt so strongly about anyone else before him. That maybe, all the changes that I’ve made to my life and my attitudes because of him don’t mean that he’s the love of my life. And maybe, just maybe I really should move on. Now if only my heart would let me. It has only been 11 months since things between us started to really go wrong.
I’ll never forget last Christmas. And how on December 23rd he left me home alone at his parents place and went out with his ex-girlfriend. Sure. He got his friends to take me over to one of their houses and entertain me for a little bit… but he didn’t even have the decency to give me advanced warning. Nah. He told me about 20 mins before he was about to leave. We didn’t get to talk about it. I didn’t get to express my concerns. Not that I wouldn’t have let him go, because I wasn’t jealous of his ex-girlfriend. From the first day that we met, I knew they were still good friends. But I had questions and I would’ve liked to have had a decent conversation about it before he left. I don’t think I’ve ever been more hurt in my entire life.
How can I still love him? After that night? I don’t know. I’ve had my heart broken many many many times. It’s how I love. It’s the only way to love. But I don’t think I’ll ever forget what that day felt like. But I forgave him. And I have forgetten about it in the sense that I don’t bring it up. There’s no point of bringing it up, because he never meant to hurt me that way. And it’s things like that, that make me think that… maybe, there is a reason why it’s been so long and I still feel so strongly about him. Maybe, he just doesn’t know what he wants and that’s why I get mixed messages from him about how he feels about me.
I wonder what it is about life and how as you grow older, you end up wanting to settle down with someone. *sigh*