Remembering and wondering

As you can see from the little section on the sidebar on the right, I’m currently reading The Timetravellers Wife. There was a part that described a street with stores that reminded me of Grafton Street in Dublin. And I was engulfed in nostalgia, then fondness, some sadness and then just complete regret. It was hard to ignore, to avoid, to stop feeling said regret.

I loved walking along Grafton Street, even if I never bought anything more than some groceries at Marks & Spencers. And now more than ever, I feel like I could really use a long wander around that area. Though I have a feeling it has to do with much more than the area. There was a feeling of wholeness, of satisfaction, of belonging that I once felt and I think, more than anything, I miss that.

But I also know that it was just that feeling that I miss. I don’t necessarily miss being with my ex. There are many reasons we weren’t right for each other that I’d really rather not get into. Despite how it all ended, I still feel1 I still wanted him to be the one more than he wanted me to be the one. It felt like he was settling for me even when he told me2 that he had my ring picked out. And even more so when he didn’t put up a fight.

I suppose I can’t blame him. He and I have different views on cheating. This is the guy who expected me to not have slept with anyone while we were broken up in 05/06. I don’t blame him for my actions. But I do wonder why even though he had broken my heart a kazillion times, I still kept in touch with him but now he can’t even be friends with me. Or maybe after my recent “adventures” I know exactly why.

Footnotes:
  1. for the most part[]
  2. as we were breaking up[]

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