Will I ever love again? It’s a question that has been on my mind for a while now. It’s the question that led me to go on my mancation1.
The honest answer right now is: I simply don’t know.
I find myself avoiding thinking about things that have happened2. It’s unlike me. The moniker fragileheart wasn’t coined because I wanted people to walk on eggshells with me. It’s supposed to remind me that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that I like to feel things because it makes me feel alive. Finding myself running away from memories that make me smile is a little unnerving.
I don’t think I know how to be in a relationship. It’s been so long since I’ve been in a real relationship that I don’t know that I’ll ever manage to maintain one again. My last real, meaningful, mutually respectful relationship ended in 2004. Everything else after that I consider a mess. Yes, even my relationship with the Irish boy3.
Then again, I’ve gotten better at maintaining deeper and more meaningful friendships and I think that every good relationship is built on a solid foundation of friendship so maybe there’s hope for me yet.
Oh whatever. Maybe you4 were right; what was it that you said, sir? Something along the lines of, “You’d make a great mistress [but not a wife]”. And yes, I still think about it to this day.
Sometimes, you just need to blog things out loud.