Stranger…

I feel like such a stranger to this… I’ve lost touch with journal writing. When I stoppedĀ for of Peter I still wrote in a private journal but it just wasn’t the same. I would usually only write when there was something in particular upsetting me. But when I had my online journal it was like catching up with an old friend…. I’d really like to get back into that but for some reason I lose interest mid-entry. Ever since I came back to fragileheart.com, every time I make an entry I’ve been really bothered by the comment of that anonymous person that claimed that I only keep an online journal to further my relationships. It’s pretty far from the truth… if anything I keep an online journal to feel like I have friends; to feel like there are people out there that care about my life and want to hear about my day. *shrug*

He finally got the package I sent out a month ago… and he was so happy. I love making that boy happy – what a curse that he doesn’t feel the same about making me happy. That package was the last though. If it arrived in the time I had anticipated it would have been perfectly timed with my feelings of not wanting to have anything more to do with him, but I’ve since changed my mind thinking that i simply can’t live without him in my life. Even if we are just friends.

Work is going really well… I’ve been thrown some dingers and have come out unscathed. I just need to work on managing people. I think I’ve got managing the cash out and the logistics of our events quite well… it’s just a matter of figuring out what managing style works best for everyone. I really should be working on a presentation for my summer class but to be honest I just really can’t be bothered. I’m so tired I can’t even imagine working on1 a persuasive presentation on anything! *sigh* I guess I”ll just have to go on conditional standing for next semester. *shrug*

I got roses for no reason at all yesterday!! I slept over at Alexander’s2 place because he lives so close to work and I knew I was going to get off work at 3am that night and since I had to go back into work for 8am the next morning, I knew I wouldn’t get any sleep if I went home. And when I got to his apartment, these lovely roses were sitting in his sun room! How sweet!! He said he just got them for me just so I would smile. That boy is such a sweetheart… I feel bad that I can’t be completely into him. I mean I’ve agreed to be exclusive while he’s here3 but I’m worried that while he’s up there he’s going to be thinking that I’m going to be waiting for him. I mean he asked me, “What happens if I come back (after two months)?” and all I could really say was, “I don’t know”. I mean from time to time I find myself already thinking of the next guy on my list and he hasn’t even left yet!? His parents are coming into town soon and I’m really slightly nervous because they’ve already been asking about me and I’m not quite sure I want to meet them? I especially don’t want to meet them as his ‘gf’ or anything like that. hm… I dunno.

I’m gonna go watch TV and fall asleep. Ciao!

Footnotes:
  1. let alone actually presenting!![]
  2. name has been changed to protect the innocent[]
  3. he’s leaving on June 26th to be a fishing guide up North for two months[]

response to “Stranger…” 1

  1. wow, im invited! Journal writing is something that I’ve done all my life. It went from scratches of paper to my online blog. It was the way that I was able to vent out frustrations instead of keepin it bottled up inside. I hope that you continue to write about your feelings here, even if few can read them….

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