The view from my balcony is always breathtaking. I feel very lucky to live here.

Earlier this summer, I had the pleasure of attending Camp Reset. If you’ve never heard of Camp Reset, you should really head over to the site to read more about it. It is life changing for many people who attend. I have to be honest, it wasn’t life changing for me… it was something better: life-affirming. I had been working on shaping my life using similar philosophies to that which can be found at Camp Reset and it was so wonderful to see it in action.

For far too long in my life, I’ve lived in worry and fear. I had convinced myself that I needed to worry about something or the worst possible outcome would surely come true. How naive was I? I have to admit that when I started the endeavour to eliminate worry, anxiety and fear from my life earlier this year, I had no idea what I was doing1. I had no idea whether simply pushing it away in those moments when I was too weak to face said fear/worry/anxiety would have the same effect as properly dealing with all those thoughts and emotions… but I must have done something right because I feel like I have been rewarded for all my hard work and patience. I think the key is to take the time to face those fears, hold them in your hand/mind/heart2, let them bring about all the emotions that they are going to bring out and then let them go. I won’t pretend to know if this will work for you, but I know that every time I have done it I have felt so fucking free.

Life is better than it could ever be, and yes, part of that has to do with the fact that I met someone amazing who I can call my partner and best friend. Before meeting him though, life had been pretty good already. It was a huge relief not to worry about every little stupid thing I might have said or forgotten to say to someone. It has been a huge relief to be able to own my choices and to not apologize for anything3, and to only take responsibility for what I am capable of controlling – my actions, and not someone else’s reactions to my actions.

This shift in my attitude helped me see the beauty in life no matter what I was going through. There was a lot of pain I had to process from my last two relationships4, and it would have been really easy to fall back into a depression. The shift made it so I could still enjoy my life, and only have moments when I needed to hole up myself up in my room, shut the curtains and all the lights and just cry into a couple5 glasses of bourbon. I’m happy to admit that those dark moments only needed said outlet every 3-6 months in the last year and a bit that I spent trying to fix or figure out all of that.

And now? Now, I’m free to enjoy the swooning that comes with a new romance that has begun with a ferocity I’ve only ever seen in the movies. We know we’re not perfect, but we seem to be perfect for each other, and most importantly we-talk-about-everything. Actually, perhaps even more critical is the fact that I don’t seem to have to say very much to him at all – I can say a few words, and he knows exactly what I am trying to say; no need for long explanations or anecdotes. Though we enjoy those at times as well.

Before I met him, I had been on the dating apps again for a few months. I had been on dates. I was even seeing someone (very) casually. They were all toads. Every single one of them. I like toads, don’t get me wrong. They’re cute in their own right but they’re flighty – and don’t leave any notes once they’re gone. All the while, I was ready to give up. Almost. I decided to employ the same attitude I had given to the rest of my life: don’t give a fuck, and just focus on what you can control. I could only control my attitude and how I approached each ‘date’ I went on. Remain in the positive.

How was I going to meet someone amazing if my attitude was less than so? So I focused on thinking about the kind of person I wanted to meet – kind, sweet, romantic, funny6, intelligent, hard-working, active, true (to their word), trustworthy, dependable, confident, generous and so-fucking-hot7…I could go on but I think I’ve made my point. I almost feel like Sandra Bullock’s character (Sally) in Practical Magic after she tore up her wishlist and was gifted with Aidan Quinn’s character (Gary)… minus the actual magical capabilities8. We are crazy about each other, are on the same page about what we want, and how we want to spend our time, and we talk about everything… soul-fucking-mates.

I know it doesn’t sound like it but I do try not to get too carried away… we are still brand new. There is a lot we have yet to learn about each other. I know better than to think we know everything about each other by now. My last relationship taught me that: no matter how well you think you know someone because you’ve spent almost every day together for a month, they can still shock you and show you their true colours. I have no red flags like I have with every other new start – mind you – nothing to make me think something similar is going to happen with Troy9, but I also know I need to protect my heart until I can really be sure. That will only come with time, however, I am extremely confident I have nothing to fear with this one.

What does that have to do with the title of this blog post? Just this: Believe that you deserve the life you want, and you will have it. Yes, you have to put in the work but you also have to believe it will happen or all your work will be for naught.

  1. here’s a hint: for the most part, I still don’t[]
  2. whatever suits you best[]
  3. given I wasn’t actually hurting anyone[]
  4. both of which went horribly wrong[]
  5. okay, maybe four[]
  6. fucking hilarious actually[]
  7. that last one is NOT a joke[]
  8. though a girl can dream[]
  9. so not his real name[]

When people surprise you

I’ve been meeting a lot of new people lately, and it’s so… refreshing. I feel like I’m in University all over again, but with more freedom than I did when I was actually in University. It’s pretty freeing to be able to talk about anything and everything with people who have no reason to judge you based on your past, because they simply don’t know it. There’s something about making new friends that’s so great, sort of like starting a new relationship; when you still have the chance to shape it into whatever you want.

When I was younger, I never really paid attention to how my actions in-the-right-now would affect my relationship with people in the long-run. For the most part, I had the tendency to choose1 romance over friendship. There, I said it. Remember all those posts where I wondered why I didn’t have any girl friends. After the last year and a half I’ve certainly realised how stupid I actually was2 for never trying hard enough.

You learn a lot about yourself when you meet new people who are genuinely interested in learning about you. The stories you tell and how you tell them, can show you a lot about yourself that you wouldn’t really learn otherwise. The things I’m learning about myself are definitely things I never imagined I’d be described as, yet I haven’t been disappointed yet3. Of course, there are some things that I know I need to work on but, at least I know.

Speaking of people surprising me; it’s wonderful when you find people who are in the same ‘place’ in their life as you and you can share things that you wouldn’t be able to share with anyone else. I’m excited about enjoying people’s company without thinking I’m in love with them. Not that this has been a problem in the past with girlfriends but rather that I tended to only have male friends and boyfriends so it was hard to see that line between just genuinely enjoying someone’s company, and being in love with them.

Someone once told me that they loved this age4, and I’m honestly beginning to believe them.

How do you feel about meeting/learning new people?

p.s. Happy Friday the 13th5!

  1. what I thought to be[]
  2. instead of being ‘smart’ like I thought I was[]
  3. Thank goodness![]
  4. I’m 28[]
  5. my favourite day of any year[]

Communicating *is* simple

I’m not sure why, but for the last few weeks the thought has consumed me and it’s filling me with regret. I don’t like living with regret. Whenever I start to regret something that’s in the past, I force myself to look at what I can learn from it and eventually forgive myself for whatever it was. But this regret, this one is going to be a little harder because it’s something that I had been doing over and over again for many years.

The thought, the.. regret that I am living with is that I always used to think that my significant other should be able to read my mind. I know, it’s ridiculous right? But all my teenage life1 that is how I handled my relationships. And bravo to the guys who managed to read my mind2 because they got rewarded with my undying affection. But as you can imagine, I was met with more disappointment than pleasant surprises with this frame of mind.

I used to think that as soon as I told my significant other what it was I wanted them to do, I didn’t want them to do it anymore because it wasn’t of their own volition. And my dear friend hindsight finally showed me a couple3 years ago that it is okay to tell someone how I want them to act or re-act to me. It’s still hard. For me.

It’s hard for me to remember that it’s ok to tell someone that I need them to just hear me and not get mad at me right now. It’s hard to imagine that someone won’t get offended when you tell them that you just need some alone time. It’s nearly impossible to think that someone will understand when you tell them your darkest thoughts and still be around when you come out.

True to regret, if I had known when I was a teenager that it was ok to speak such thoughts4 maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t feel so lonely most of the time.

  1. and then some[]
  2. or just happen to whatever it was that I wanted them to[]
  3. yes, couple… as in two[]
  4. to anyone, not just a significant other… this rule applies to friends too[]

Manic Wednesday?

Driving by

At least that’s what yesterday felt like. It was a long weekend for many in North America. Extra long for me as I took Tuesday off after the holiday Monday. I’m suffering from heavy eyes, a sore neck and sore knees. That’ll teach me to party like I’m still 19. But what fun! I’ve missed having him around and I didn’t even realise just how much I’ve missed him. I mean I knew I missed him but until we got to hang out again… I remembered just how much fun we have together.

We started off the weekend apart; he went to meet with his soccer boys on Friday night and I went out on a night on the town with a girlfriend. Cathy1 and I had a great time and it made me wish we had done it more often this summer. But I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time for that.

Saturday started off a pretty late surprise2 breakfast but we made it down to Niagara Falls in time for a moist walk around and a decent lunch. On the way back from Niagara we stopped off in Hamilton to meet up with Matt1 and hang out with some of his friends. We were meant to go out in Hess3 but I was too tired and wanted to go home – I’m not normally selfish but since I was driving us back, I was entitled to be a bit selfish.

We had planned to go watch the Yankees v the Blue Jays on Sunday, but as it turns out he read the schedule incorrectly. They were playing at Yankee stadium and not The Skydome4 so we just headed on down to the harbourfront to redeem our free harbour tour as offered by an old co-worker of ours. After our wonderful catch-up session on Lake Ontario, we headed on down to Harbour Sports Grille5 for a nostalgic lunch. We headed home to have a nap and some ‘pre-drinks’ before the big party at the Guvernment6. The party was amazing, but I can’t do that as often as I used to.

Monday was a bit of a write-off, I did some housekeeping while he lazed around the house. We slept intermittently. I went to my parents house to drop off some laundry and other things I knew I wouldn’t need for the rest of our stay here. We knew we wanted to reserve our energy for Tuesday.

We woke up early7 and headed down to the Outlet mall in Niagara. Luckily, they didn’t have that much great stuff so we didn’t end up spending a lot of money, but got enough that we didn’t feel like the trip was a waste. We then went off to visit sone wineries8. We got three wineries in, mostly because we didn’t get to do tours at each of them and then we headed off to meet my parents for dinner at our favourite Chinese restaurant in Toronto.

  1. name has been changed to protect the innocent[][]
  2. that he made for me[]
  3. the ‘party’ town in Hamilton[]
  4. it’s now called The Rogers Centre, but let’s face it: it’ll always be The Skydome[]
  5. aka Sol’s[]
  6. I didn’t mis-spell, they did[]
  7. earlier than he wanted to but I knew we’d take ages to actually get out of the house[]
  8. which I hope to write a whole other post on[]