Balancing is tough. It’s tough to find a balance between work and life. It’s tough to find a balance between time you spend with friends versus family versus your significant other. It’s tough to find a balance between downtime and time spent being social. I haven’t spent a lot of time by myself since I moved out of my parents place last summer. And in fact, I’m pretty sure I had not spent a lot of time by myself since I came back from living in Dublin.
I haven’t had much time to sit down and figure out why that is, which means I haven’t really had time to figure out exactly how I feel about it. I finally went camping this year and the photo above was taken on our last morning at Silent Lake; I was disappointed with camping for so many reasons, but the most important was that I did not get to spend time with nature as I so long to do right now.
I write. I like to write anyway, but a lot of my writing requires the quiet of birds chirping or only the wind whisper-howling through the rustle of leaves. But it’s difficult to get in that mindset when I barely have time to put away laundry. But I have no plans on stopping the way life has been pushing me to live; no, I’m determined to live life this way and still find my writing mind with less down time.
After all, what good would I be if I needed to hole myself out in the woods every time I wanted to write something heartfelt? I haven’t shared my poetry on the blog since I removed it from my portfolio but I’m thinking maybe enough time has passed that I can do that again. I shall keep trying to find a way to have balance in my life, and if I should discover some secret to it – I promise to tell you.
How you find balance in your life?
There is a running theme in my life these days. One that has me making an effort when I simply don’t want to. It takes discipline, and it takes humility and I am trying my best. I’ve never been good at either but they’re lessons I desperately need to learn if I’m ever going to succeed in getting the career I want. In this way, I’m a late bloomer because I should’ve learnt these lessons long before I finished University but it’s just not the way it has gone. I’m ok with it.
I think that making an effort in a professional capacity is easier. It’s easier than doing so in your personal life, because when you’re making this effort – that you don’t want to make – for someone else, you feel forced; trapped; and in great danger of becoming resentful. It’s become important to remember the sacrifices that the other person has made for you and realize that they didn’t ‘put’ you in this position out of spite and so you shouldn’t feel any.
I’m writing about this vaguely because I simply can’t write about it openly. A wise woman said to me this weekend that you have to write with the one person you don’t want reading what you’ve written in mind, so that is what I’m doing. I need to write about it, but I also know how they feel about when I write about things in the open – so as part of my effort making, I’m writing in the vague and hoping that it is enough of a compromise.
How often do you have to make an effort to do something even though you simply don’t want to?
I was chatting with a friend on gtalk the other day and was, as usual, complaining about work. He mentioned something about wishing he had a billion dollars and my imagination went on overdrive. I was suddenly filled with hopeful spleandor at the thought of not having to worry about money.
I realised too that it was something I had never thought about, mostly because of my roots and the fact that I know I’ll have to work for money for the rest of my life – and I had accepted that. I like working; I just wish I was paid more. But that’s besides the point.
My instinctual fantasy was this:
I’d bartend in a cute little Irish Pub with regulars consisting of all sorts of people from all walks of life, in Greece. I’d want to work Monday to Thursday 9am to 5pm and have my evenings and weekends off. Notice the four day work week? This is a fantasy after all.
Then I started building on this fantasy:
In the evening and on the weekends, I’d spend time on my yacht sailing around the islands or off in my plane where I can go sky diving. After work in the evenings, I’d walk through the vineyard and then down to the cellar and pick out a nice bottle of red for dinner. I’d cook my own meals and probably have seafood every night… lobster, crab, mussels, fish, scallops and of course my absolute favourite shrimp!
Thinking this way put a huge smile on my face… a smile that has been missing from my face for a long time now. This chat with my friend made me realise what it was that I was missing from my life. I had somehow lost the one thing that kept me going through everything that I ever go through. Losing this had caused me to become bitter and even whiny. Now I just have to try and hold on to my hope. Its the first time in a really long time that I had lost it so I wasn’t really sure what I was missing until now.
I have my friend to thank, but he’s going to remain anonymous because I’m not sure he’d want to be advertised… but thank you.
What would you do if you had a billion dollars?
De who in de what now?
Back in April when I was still working at the hotel restaurant, I started noticing that my wrist would get quiet sore doing certain acitivities. Around this same time, my allergies had started acting up so back that I was coughing a lot and wheezing. I was ordered to see my doctor.
I think it all started when I started to get a pain in my left shoulder when I would stretch to reach something far away. I swore so as my doctor performed the Finkelstein test to reveal to me that my wrist was suffering from de Quervain’s tenosynovitis. But what can you expect when I only started treatment about 6 weeks after it started hurting. I’m sure it had something to do with having to carry heavy plates and trays at the hotel restaurant job, but I had been carrying heavy things from plates to cases of beer for years so why should it start hurting now?
“Because you’re getting older and you took a year out doing office work…” was the realisation I had while I was on holidays a couple weeks ago. Then I wondered if I would ever get to bartend again… it is after all my favourite job in the whole wide world. I would do it forever if I felt I could survive living like an irresponsible teenager/night owl for the rest of my life. This ‘condition’ is part of the reason I’m trying to change careers… but only part. It still hurts if I grab the phone or even the steering wheel the wrong way so it’s not like this kind of work is much better but it’s certainly easier on my wrist than bartending.
It did help me with a cool costume one day though when a couple of friends of mine had a summer-sublet-house-warming medical themed costume party, so it’s not all bad. And it’s always a good for getting some sympathy when I wrap the stretchy bandage stuff around my wrist (to prevent moving my thumb).
Oh right, the wheezing, my doctor gave me some asthma medicine for the wheezing but I found out it actaully made things worse… so I stopped taking it. I’m just taking regular non-drowsy antihistimines instead.