So much to say, not enough time

A lot has happened since I celebrated my thirty-fifth birthday. I mean I’ve mostly been working; which means I haven’t had much time to sit down and do very much writing. Heck, I haven’t had much time to do a lot of anything. I was impressed I managed to do two large loads of laundry last weekend. I believe I was also in the middle of doing three other things at the same time.

Can’t believe I’ve had this beauty for 6 years. No wonder a few of the lights are burnt out.

In case you haven’t noticed, it’s December. Everything is happening at the same time. Everything is just as important. And FOMO is at an all time high. And all I want to do is cuddle up beside my tree, with a cup of ginger tea and listen to Bach. I’ve started listening to classical music whenever I am home because it’s the only thing that has helped me relax1.

I haven’t wanted to date really. I haven’t wanted to put my trust into another person the way I used to… the way I used to long to do. I still don’t but it’s been nice getting to know some new people without the pressure of anything becoming too serious too soon. I’ve also really enjoyed the time it’s allowed me for everything else. Focusing on my friends, and work, and I wish I could say it’s allowed me the time to focus on other projects but I’d be lying. Work has taken over my life. And what spare time I have, I either take to pamper myself or to spend some Quality Time¬†with someone I adore.

It’s made me realize how much time I wasted chasing after something I really shouldn’t have been chasing; longing for that person who has my back, and who understands me better than anyone else2. I need to be careful though… I feel like I’ve been here before. I feel like I’ve made this realization before, only to have it swept under some rug in the home that some guy asked me to help build with him.

Then again, I feel much more sure, and stronger… just not in that stubborn way that some people who have survived adversity can become. At least, I’d like to think so. Only one way to find out, I guess. I’ve still got some demons to fight though. I know that. What I don’t know is whether said demons require a conversation or whether time will be enough to qualm them. I’ll try not to worry too much about it. It seems to be working for me so far.

Life is pretty good. You can tell from my not-at-all-curated instagram feed ūüėČ

And now for some photographic evidence of *some* of the things I’ve been up to since I last wrote:

West Queen West BIA’s 2nd Annual Adopt-a-plant drive
Ascot Royals at the Indie Music Week 2016 Launch Party
Cavalcade of Lights at Nathan Philips Square
One of many Christmas functions with my lovely parents
#HoHoTO with my wifey
Dreaming of Summer with Moda Mama at the Sears Spring Launch #SearsSizzle

I’m missing photos from some other fun things I’ve done…because let’s face it, either they’re not fit for public consumption or I was having too much fun to take pictures ūüėČ

‘Till I feel like writing again… xo

Footnotes:
  1. not the only thing, but he’s not as readily available as spotify is. He works almost as much as I do[]
  2. duh, she’s been inside me all along[]

Don’t let the door hit you on your way out, 2013!

Well, I guess that’s it. Isn’t it? This year is finally behind us. I’ve never looked forward for a year to end so much as I have this year. This year was the worst year out of all the years of life. And yet a lot of wonderful things happened1; I guess it just goes to show that there is always good that will come out of a bad situation. I just wish there had been more good this year than bad.

The things I wish to never forget about 2013:

1. That time I was in the pilot episode of a reality TV show called, Come Date With Me on the W Network.

Still from Come Date With Me Canada

2. Being auctioned off at Love a Heart2. Photo credit: Chris Luckhardt.

Facebook Events | Love a Heart

3. Stage Managing for Canadian Music Week and meeting #LeBeau, Garret3.

Canadian Music Week Stage Manager

4. Stage Managing for North By North East and meeting Sloan. Sorry no pictures.
5. Getting a brand new family member, Drogo.

Drogo Sy!

6. Having a custom vine made just for me by Cyrstal Light Canada.

Facebook | Crystal Light Canada | Weird & Wonderful You

7. Assistant Stage Managing for Pride and getting to meet and work with En Vogue.

En Vogue at Pride 2013

8. Going to Cunt Cottage and having an amazing weekend away from the city.

http://fragileheart.com/wp-content/uploads/cunt-cottage.jpg

9. Working for TIFF and getting to see some stars up-close-and-personal-like. No pictures, because I want to be able to work there again in 2014.
10. Going on a boat cruise with Shannon & the gang courtesy of Crazy Uncle. No pictures because I have no idea what I did with the pictures from that cruise. Oops.
11. Volunteering for TEDxToronto4.

TEDxToronto 2013

12. Being in a feature film that won an award at TOIndieFF2013, was part of the official selection at DIFF2013 and reviewed here.

Unhappy Happy Still
13. Working on the 48 hour film project where our team won Best Ensemble Cast.

Hashtag Bougie Productions

13. Meeting and falling in love with #LeBeau’s two daughters5. No pictures, of course. They’re too wittle.
14. Celebrating Christmas with our families and getting 2nd Christmas with the girls. Also no pictures, because I’m a spoil sport like that.
15. Being able to celeberate my birthday & the holidays with some really awesome friends. Again; no pictures, because we didn’t take a group photo and there are too many great ones to choose from.
16. Getting to keep in touch with my wifey, Christine Estima even though she’s a gazillion miles away.

Last but not least…
17. Getting to do this fun photoshoot for Ford Canada with the ever-sexy, Ford Fiesta, Marie & Brock.

Date Night with the Ford Fiesta

Shopping fun with Marie & the Ford Fiesta

I’m not at all interested in re-living the past that was this horrible year, so I won’t go into any details about it. I would rather look forward with hope and excitement for what 2014 might have to bring. I can only hope that it’ll be a good year because if my own personal history has taught me anything 2015 is set to be another doozy. You see, there’s something about years that end in zeros and fives – they don’t like me very much. I had a terrible 1995, I can’t say 2000 was any better, 2005 was horrible, 2010 was another nightmare year… mind you, they were all bad for heartbreak but not much else.

Anyway, that’s a whole 365 days away. For now, here’s hoping that in 2014, I…:

  • …no longer have to worry about how I’m going to pay for groceries or laundry.
  • …can actually afford to meet up with friends at least once a week.
  • …find the energy to get off my ass and start exercising again.
  • …will visit my parents and cook for them more often.
  • …will stop worrying about things that I really have no control over.
  • …can reconnect with some old friends who I miss but have drifted away from, for no good reason. And stay connected.
  • …get to go camping twice – once with the family, and once with the man and/or friends.
  • …get to visit somewhere I have never been.
  • …write more for this blog.
  • …learn how to make a Filipino dish I have never made before, but love to eat.

And that’s about it. I had a longer list but I’ve cut it down some in an attempt to be a little more realistic with my resolutions. I didn’t make any resolutions for 2013 because at this age, I’m kind of over them. Since 2013 was such a bad year though, I needed some things to look forward to. And these are some of the more important things I’m looking forward to for this New Year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

What are you looking forward to in 2014?

Footnotes:
  1. I met Garret this year after all[]
  2. an annual favourite[]
  3. Nope. Not his real name[]
  4. another annual favourite[]
  5. and finally having children in my life. wee![]

Going through the motions with sincere apologies

For the first time since I can remember, I am the depressing one this Christmas. I can only hope this means that the rest of the world is happy this time of year. I have this belief that my mood largely depends on the rest of the world; when it’s sad I’m ecstatic and when it’s happy I tend to get depressed. Why? I believe it’s because there is something inside of me that needs to see a balance in the world. Obviously in this belief I also have a huge ego to think that my little mood changes could actually make a difference but go with me here.

This Christmas is a pretty painful one and each day that passes only makes it harder. I’m not sure I want to admit that it’s because I’m sad that I’m not celebrating it with my ex1. Not that I would still want to be with him, but you have to understand that for the last five years I’ve spent Christmas with him. Or at the very least, I’ve spent New Year’s with him. They weren’t always pleasant, in fact the first was down right heart breaking but the point is that we were together. Despite everything, I still thought that I would always be spending my future Christmases with him. I never expected this.

I didn’t expect this pain. Not now, not ever. I want to apologise to everyone who sent me their mailing addresses for Christmas cards but I honestly haven’t had the energy to write them. I’ve bought the cards because that was easy, but sitting still is difficult. Even writing this post has been done in one to two minute intervals because I just can’t sit still for fear that I’ll just break down crying. I might still send them… but it won’t get to you before Christmas and I’m sorry2.

Christmas is my favourite time of year, most years. This year… this year, I just want to crawl into a hole and forget it ever existed. Please write me about how happy your Christmases are this year because I need to know that it’s happy for everyone else. I need to know the world is balanced and that not everyone is feeling as shitty as I am. I know that some of you3 are concerned for me now but honestly I know I will be ok, I just need to hear of your happiness and all will be right with me.

Please tell me you’re happy, dear readers. I need you.

Footnotes:
  1. except that I think I just did[]
  2. you may forgive me, but we all know I’m pretty hard on myself – this is a pretty huge failure for me[]
  3. you dear, dear hearts[]

Happy Birthday dear brother!

Dear brother,

I used to hate you. I hated you until I realised how immature and selfish I was being for doing so. You see, I wasn’t always as mature as I am now1 and I was also spoiled for 7 years being the only child and the first grandchild and the only granddaughter for a while. So when you took my Mummy away from me that Christmas Eve that you were born and put her in the hospital to give birth to you, you can’t really blame me for being jealous of you.

Another reason you can’t blame is because you were so darn cute. I look back now on your baby pictures and I must have known how adorable you were; so much more adorable than I was: with your angel white skin and your dark brown hair and eyes – I must’ve been really worried that Mummy and Daddy weren’t going to love me or want me anymore.

So I fought with you, beat you and made you cry, every chance I got. And now we’re both in our 20’s2, and you’ve never once been mean to me. Sure you get cranky sometimes, but who wouldn’t be when they’re awoken from deep slumber to go out shopping for Mum & Dad’s Christmas presents in the cold, cold winter weather that is Toronto. But you’ve always been a great brother, and even though you’ve learnt a few other bad habits from me… you’ve never been mean to me the way I was mean to you. And for that I thank you.

Without asking you to, you forgave me and for that alone you are the best brother a girl could ever ask for. But there is so much more that makes you awesome3.

I hope¬†we are able to¬†give you¬†a great birthday celebration, even though we’re only driving down to Niagara Falls4. I hope that you get everything that your heart desires and that¬†we are able to celebrate¬†many, many more of your birthdays.

Lots of love,

Your sister.

Footnotes:
  1. forgetting the fact that I still have a long way to grow[]
  2. albeit, I’m in my late 20’s and you’re celebrating your 21st[]
  3. but I’m not going to go on about them either hehehe[]
  4. which isn’t quite Las Vegas – where you wanted to go[]