fragileheart's journal

“Fail to plan, plan to fail” — Harvey MacKay

The plan for this long weekend:

Friday¹ – Work my ass off at work then go to the Borough to spend time with family, go grocery shopping with Mum and learn how to make Pancit Bihon.

Satrday – Go for an early AM run. Spend the day cleaning up the apartment, and cleaning out my closet then get ready to go to Dinner with some awesome people… and then party hearty with even more awesome people.

Sunday – Go for a later AM run OR if that fails² do one of my broadway dancing/singing workouts in the house. Prepare the Pancit Bihon for a BBQ that starts in the late afternoon with some more great people³.

Monday – ME DAY. ME DAY. Aka Laundry and complete house cleaning day.

Will this all actually happen? Who knows. But at least I have every intention of following through…

What are you doing this weekend?

Footnotes:

1. today, der[↩]
2. because let’s face it, I’ll be hungover[↩]
3. you know who you all are[↩]

Balancing is tough. It’s tough to find a balance between work and life. It’s tough to find a balance between time you spend with friends versus family versus your significant other. It’s tough to find a balance between downtime and time spent being social. I haven’t spent a lot of time by myself since I moved out of my parents place last summer¹. And in fact, I’m pretty sure I had not spent a lot of time by myself since I came back from living in Dublin.

I haven’t had much time to sit down and figure out why that is², which means I haven’t really had time to figure out exactly how I feel about it. I finally went camping this year and the photo above was taken on our last morning at Silent Lake;  I was disappointed with camping for so many reasons³, but the most important was that I did not get to spend time with nature⁴ as I so long to do right now.

I write. I like to write anyway, but a lot of my writing requires the quiet of birds chirping or only the wind whisper-howling through the rustle of leaves. But it’s difficult to get in that mindset when I barely have time to put away laundry. But I have no plans on stopping the way life has been pushing me to live; no, I’m determined to live life this way and still find my writing mind with less down time.

After all, what good would I be if I needed to hole myself out in the woods every time I wanted to write something heartfelt? I haven’t shared my poetry on the blog since I removed it from my portfolio⁵ but I’m thinking maybe enough time has passed that I can do that again⁶. I shall keep trying to find a way to have balance in my life, and if I should discover some secret to it – I promise to tell you.

How you find balance in your life?

Footnotes:

1. and I really kind of miss it[↩]
2. it’s a cycle[↩]
3. we didn’t rough it as much as I was hoping to[↩]
4. and myself; my thoughts[↩]
5. which used to be listed on this main domain[↩]
6. not right now of course, soon…[↩]

With my current, ever-growing involvement in the Twitterverse, I’ve been finding it difficult to finish a blog post. Part of this is due to the fact that I’m still observing things and getting a feel for it before I form my opinions. First impressions are that this is a great addition to my life but I do see some hurdles. Another reason is because some of the stuff I want to talk about are things that I am not sure I really want out there.

Part of it has to do with sex; people get the wrong impression when a girl starts talking about sex, especially when it involves revealing how much said person enjoys said act. But that’s only part of the story, and only part of the reason why I am reluctant to write about it. Another part of the reason involves a person who is still a puzzle to me. Albeit, a puzzle that I am more than happy to leave alone without having ever figuring him out. But talking about him on this blog and in detail could do one or both of the following: It could¹ give his already enormous ego a boost and/or it could make him upset that I’m writing about his personal life² on such a public medium.

I know the³ rules, especially when it comes to personal blogging – I shouldn’t care about all this but the fact is that I do and it is a deterrent, and at the very least it’s going to take a while to be able to write about it. At least the want is there. In the mean time, I’m trying to think of something else to talk about but apart from this heart’s⁴ adventures there really isn’t much else I’d be passionate about writing about.

So I’m going to open it up and let you ask me anything – you don’t have to do it in the comments, you can ask me on twitter but I will answer in a blog post.

What do you want to know?

Footnotes:

1. would[↩]
2. even though it involves me[↩]
3. blogging[↩]
4. mis[↩]

What a wonderful celebration of women in music. I was at work on Friday afternoon, answering an email, and listening to jazz and trying my best not to let my work load spin me in circles when I overheard, “…tickets to Lilith Fair.” Before I continue let me tell you that I share my office with 4 other desks. And three of these desks are always occupied, and receive semi-frequent visitors. As you can imagine the noise level tends to get rather distracting. So I am usually trying to block out chatter that doesn’t begin with my name.

As it turns out, my colleagues friend’s sister had two extra tickets and was just giving them away for free. My weekend had been planned, and it involved having a quiet Saturday night but I couldn’t miss out on a chance to see Chantal Kreviazuk, Mary J. Blige and Sarah McLachlan live! So I sent a fb message to Christine to see if she was free and I snagged them awesome tickets.

The evening started off with a lot of snags¹. But it ended with two amazing performances by Mary J. Blige and Sarah. Chantal was great too, and so was Lights (to my dismay we missed Courtyard Hounds) but MJB and Sarah were exceptional. MJB covered U2′s ‘One‘². And I’m sure you’ve heard by now that she did an amazing cover of Zepplin’s ‘Stair Way to Heaven‘. Amazing.

Sarah was everything I thought she would be and more. She oozes such a humble brilliance I can’t even begin to describe how in awe I am of her. I would love to pretend that I remembered her entire set-list but alas I don’t. I’m sure Christine does though, weirdo. I’ll just leave it at the fact that she played a lot of her hits like Angel, Building a Mystery, I will Remember You, Adia, Stupid, Possession and Ice Cream as part of the encore. And many more of course. She also sang a song off her new album and I now want to buy it.

Despite the rain, the delays, the disghusting washrooms, the horrible food they make you pay with your first born for, I’m still really glad I went.

The end.

Were you at Lilith Fair? What did you think³?

Footnotes:

1. and since I hate to focus on the negative I am not going to talk about them[↩]
2. a little sad moment for me but I still enjoyed the cover[↩]
3. of the actual show, not the unacceptable state of Molson Ampitheatre’s service and facilities[↩]

For the first time since I can remember, I am the depressing one this Christmas. I can only hope this means that the rest of the world is happy this time of year. I have this belief that my mood largely depends on the rest of the world; when it’s sad I’m ecstatic and when it’s happy I tend to get depressed. Why? I believe it’s because there is something inside of me that needs to see a balance in the world. Obviously in this belief I also have a huge ego to think that my little mood changes could actually make a difference but go with me here.

This Christmas is a pretty painful one and each day that passes only makes it harder. I’m not sure I want to admit that it’s because I’m sad that I’m not celebrating it with my ex¹. Not that I would still want to be with him, but you have to understand that for the last five years I’ve spent Christmas with him. Or at the very least, I’ve spent New Year’s with him. They weren’t always pleasant, in fact the first was down right heart breaking but the point is that we were together. Despite everything, I still thought that I would always be spending my future Christmases with him. I never expected this.

I didn’t expect this pain. Not now, not ever. I want to apologise to everyone who sent me their mailing addresses for Christmas cards but I honestly haven’t had the energy to write them. I’ve bought the cards because that was easy, but sitting still is difficult. Even writing this post has been done in one to two minute intervals because I just can’t sit still for fear that I’ll just break down crying. I might still send them… but it won’t get to you before Christmas and I’m sorry².

Christmas is my favourite time of year, most years. This year… this year, I just want to crawl into a hole and forget it ever existed. Please write me about how happy your Christmases are this year because I need to know that it’s happy for everyone else. I need to know the world is balanced and that not everyone is feeling as shitty as I am. I know that some of you³ are concerned for me now but honestly I know I will be ok, I just need to hear of your happiness and all will be right with me.

Please tell me you’re happy, dear readers. I need you.

Footnotes:

1. except that I think I just did[↩]
2. you may forgive me, but we all know I’m pretty hard on myself – this is a pretty huge failure for me[↩]
3. you dear, dear hearts[↩]