Manifest

The view from my balcony is always breathtaking. I feel very lucky to live here.

Earlier this summer, I had the pleasure of attending Camp Reset. If you’ve never heard of Camp Reset, you should really head over to the site to read more about it. It is life changing for many people who attend. I have to be honest, it wasn’t life changing for me… it was something better: life-affirming. I had been working on shaping my life using similar philosophies to that which can be found at Camp Reset and it was so wonderful to see it in action.

For far too long in my life, I’ve lived in worry and fear. I had convinced myself that I needed to worry about something or the worst possible outcome would surely come true. How naive was I? I have to admit that when I started the endeavour to eliminate worry, anxiety and fear from my life earlier this year, I had no idea what I was doing1. I had no idea whether simply pushing it away in those moments when I was too weak to face said fear/worry/anxiety would have the same effect as properly dealing with all those thoughts and emotions… but I must have done something right because I feel like I have been rewarded for all my hard work and patience. I think the key is to take the time to face those fears, hold them in your hand/mind/heart2, let them bring about all the emotions that they are going to bring out and then let them go. I won’t pretend to know if this will work for you, but I know that every time I have done it I have felt so fucking free.

Life is better than it could ever be, and yes, part of that has to do with the fact that I met someone amazing who I can call my partner and best friend. Before meeting him though, life had been pretty good already. It was a huge relief not to worry about every little stupid thing I might have said or forgotten to say to someone. It has been a huge relief to be able to own my choices and to not apologize for anything3, and to only take responsibility for what I am capable of controlling – my actions, and not someone else’s reactions to my actions.

This shift in my attitude helped me see the beauty in life no matter what I was going through. There was a lot of pain I had to process from my last two relationships4, and it would have been really easy to fall back into a depression. The shift made it so I could still enjoy my life, and only have moments when I needed to hole up myself up in my room, shut the curtains and all the lights and just cry into a couple5 glasses of bourbon. I’m happy to admit that those dark moments only needed said outlet every 3-6 months in the last year and a bit that I spent trying to fix or figure out all of that.

And now? Now, I’m free to enjoy the swooning that comes with a new romance that has begun with a ferocity I’ve only ever seen in the movies. We know we’re not perfect, but we seem to be perfect for each other, and most importantly we-talk-about-everything. Actually, perhaps even more critical is the fact that I don’t seem to have to say very much to him at all – I can say a few words, and he knows exactly what I am trying to say; no need for long explanations or anecdotes. Though we enjoy those at times as well.

Before I met him, I had been on the dating apps again for a few months. I had been on dates. I was even seeing someone (very) casually. They were all toads. Every single one of them. I like toads, don’t get me wrong. They’re cute in their own right but they’re flighty – and don’t leave any notes once they’re gone. All the while, I was ready to give up. Almost. I decided to employ the same attitude I had given to the rest of my life: don’t give a fuck, and just focus on what you can control. I could only control my attitude and how I approached each ‘date’ I went on. Remain in the positive.

How was I going to meet someone amazing if my attitude was less than so? So I focused on thinking about the kind of person I wanted to meet – kind, sweet, romantic, funny6, intelligent, hard-working, active, true (to their word), trustworthy, dependable, confident, generous and so-fucking-hot7…I could go on but I think I’ve made my point. I almost feel like Sandra Bullock’s character (Sally) in Practical Magic after she tore up her wishlist and was gifted with Aidan Quinn’s character (Gary)… minus the actual magical capabilities8. We are crazy about each other, are on the same page about what we want, and how we want to spend our time, and we talk about everything… soul-fucking-mates.

I know it doesn’t sound like it but I do try not to get too carried away… we are still brand new. There is a lot we have yet to learn about each other. I know better than to think we know everything about each other by now. My last relationship taught me that: no matter how well you think you know someone because you’ve spent almost every day together for a month, they can still shock you and show you their true colours. I have no red flags like I have with every other new start – mind you – nothing to make me think something similar is going to happen with Troy9, but I also know I need to protect my heart until I can really be sure. That will only come with time, however, I am extremely confident I have nothing to fear with this one.

What does that have to do with the title of this blog post? Just this: Believe that you deserve the life you want, and you will have it. Yes, you have to put in the work but you also have to believe it will happen or all your work will be for naught.

Footnotes:
  1. here’s a hint: for the most part, I still don’t[]
  2. whatever suits you best[]
  3. given I wasn’t actually hurting anyone[]
  4. both of which went horribly wrong[]
  5. okay, maybe four[]
  6. fucking hilarious actually[]
  7. that last one is NOT a joke[]
  8. though a girl can dream[]
  9. so not his real name[]

So this is how it feels

Samuli Ikäheimo on Flickr: ilotulituspari - firework couple

It’s funny how your life can change without you noticing or even thinking twice about what is happening. I’ve been dreaming a lot since I’ve started staying over here1. They’ve been interesting dreams. The kind of dreams that make me think I watch too much television, too many movies or read too many stories. Of course, I’m well aware that there is no such thing as too much of any of that.

I’m surprised at how easy everything is. I’m even more surprised that I swoon every day. I used to think that if something was going to be this easy, that it would have to be boring. There is nothing boring about this. The inside jokes keep piling on top of each other, making my smile grow larger and larger with each day that passes.

I know it won’t always be easy. There are things that have to happen in the future that will be difficult, but they aren’t things that either of us have to worry about now. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if we found a way to make that easy too. Being on the same page with someone is easy when your priority is to remain on the same page with each other. It’s the kind of thing that makes you feel all the things. The good things, the bad things but especially the great things.

Against all my will and might, I was losing hope that I’d ever get to connect with anyone like this again. Mind you, I’d never lose hope completely because that’s just not who I am2 but it was getting pretty hard down in that rabbit hole. The sun’s out now though, and the best thing about all this is that even when it isn’t I know he’ll be there beside me, holding my hand.

Footnotes:
  1. where here is, is for me to know and you to wonder about for all your days[]
  2. eternal optimists for the win![]

Gratitude

I’m so incredibly grateful for so much in my life and I hope I say it enough to those that I should be saying it to:

He’s a talented man.

  • I have my Mum, Dad and brother living in the same city as I am and that we don’t hate each other so much that we can’t stand to be around each other. I’m grateful that we still get on each other’s nerves sometimes because it just means we still care.
  • Priceless friends like Jackie and Sibel who don’t live anywhere near me but always seem to message me exactly when I just need to hear from someone who cares. I’m grateful for the unwavering love and lack of judgement I receive from you two.
  • On that note, I’m also grateful for Christine, Ashley, Noor, Dave , Affan and Heather. Heather’s also not nearby1 but she definitely falls under the category of great friend.
  • There is one more friend but I’m not sure I should be writing about that person so I’m going to leave this a mystery and you can just take my word for it that the gratitude is there.
  • A job where I am inspired every day to do my best and be accepted for who I am2) Colleagues and employers who are so different in many ways but have a mutual propensity for quality.
  • Re-discovering a mode of transportation that helps me keep my great ass3 in shape and makes me feel so free.
Wow, what dorks.
One of the best vacations of life.
Why are my legs so white? Oh right, I don’t know how to buy stockings… Noor! Teach me?
I’m grateful for a lot of other things that would be awkward to say on a daily basis but it’s Thanksgiving so here we go:
  • My health problems aren’t as bad as they could be.
  • Apparently, I have this ability to avoid being traumatized by certain experiences… something I wouldn’t have discovered if I weren’t living in my current apartment that I am waiting to move out of. Granted I would have preferred that I didn’t discover this ability but it’s in the past so who-da-hey?!
  • The advantages I don’t think I would have if I weren’t considered so hot by people in general.
  • My hope.
  • Being able to apply logic to control emotional reactions4.
  • YOU reading this blog. You guys are nuts. This is all jibberish but thank you 🙂
And if I don’t end this here, I’m going to be late for going to my parents house and the whole ‘we-get-along-really-well’ will go out the window.
What are you grateful for?
Footnotes:
  1. she’s in Ottawa[]
  2. “quirks” and all ;[]
  3. guess I’m grateful for that too[]
  4. that shit ain’t easy yo[]

A long day ends with some retrospection

You know, it has been one heck of a wild ride. I would be more specific but I am not sure I can see when said ride began anymore -it was that long of a ride1!

Two years ago a very big chapter of my life ended. I wasn’t sure what to expect and I’m not so sure that the last two years is something I could have predicted. What it comes down to is that I know I’m ready to try my hand at a monogamous relationship again. As a bonus I’m also now in a headspace where I don’t feel an urgent need to find it2.

The last guy3, was unexpectedly spectacular but in retrospect he had many personality traits that I was overlooking. I get why his gut feeling was telling him that we weren’t that compatible; to be honest I think he would have driven me crazier than he already did in the oh-so-brief-but-freaking-intense romance that we shared. It still stings a little to think about so I know I’m not ready to have him in my life just yet… I just hope that I actually can one day4.

Then there is the other one. The one who really shook me up two years ago; wanting to make friends… wanting to re-connect. I don’t think I’m ready and to be completely honest, I’m not so sure I will ever be. Yes, I am the type of person who can forgive and forget anything but there is a certain comfort level that I need to have with the people I keep close to me ((What I’m trying not to say is that I simply need to be able to trust a person and I don’t think I can ever trust him again)).

Sigh. Boys5. I don’t even know what to say sometimes. Do you ever stop to think about what you’re saying to us women? I mean, if you were a father and some boy were saying the same things to your daughter -how would you feel? Enraged, I’m sure. Yet you don’t have a problem saying it to a girl you barely know or talk to? JUST because she’s nice and open minded? I’m pretty sure that is balls.

And I’m apartment hunting again. I really hope this is the last time for at least 2 years. After that I’m hoping any move I make is either to another city or… space? 😉

Making the effort to talk to my parents daily and/or see them more often seems to be helping things despite my obliviousness to the fact that said things needed help.

I need more time to think… but I should also get some sleep. Meep.

Footnotes:
  1. Don’t get excited, I’m not about to tell you either…[]
  2. at least not anymore… though I can’t quite explain why so I’m tempted to think that I’m in denial about it but only time will tell[]
  3. who some of you know about[]
  4. and hopefully soon[]
  5. You can’t tell but I had to close my eyes and breathe for 15 seconds before I could continue writing[]