Torn and indecisive

No, not the song by Natalie Imbruglia. I want to completely dismiss someone. But dismissing them is tied to disregarding the instincts of someone I care about a whole heck of a lot. She is such a smart, caring, intuitive person but this person I want to dismiss has a certain power over people. And maybe it’s my way of coping of being without him but there has to be truth to what DG has said; partially because DG has no reason to lie to me and also because DG has a freakin’ degree in psych.

He1 tried to tell me a little while ago that he didn’t betray my trust as much as I seem to think. How easy is it to say that? I could’ve said that to him2, but guess what I know better than that. I know that means nothing unless you are willing to back that statement up with facts and the fact is – there is NOTHING that can explain what happened. There are no excuses for what I know to be true. I just wish he would give it up.

I don’t understand how someone gets so wrapped up in their lying lives that they can’t ever fathom telling someone the truth; and then to insist that they have always been honest? Though I suppose honesty and truth aren’t always served on the same platter. Someone can be honest, and not reveal the truth. Honesty is related more to feelings; and truth to facts. And maybe the reason I just can’t trust a single word that comes out of his mouth3 is that I don’t think he has ever offered me an ounce of truth.

I know it sounds like I’ve made a decision despite the title of this post… but the truth is, I ain’t no where near it. I love this girl who seems to believe in this dude… but unless this dude is actually willing to take responsibility for anything he’s done4, I sincerely doubt I will ever trust anything related to him every again. Ugh. Even writing this post makes me just a tad upset; that he still has this effect on me to make me write about him like this. But this is my reality, and I just have to face it.

Leave me be, set me free. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Footnotes:
  1. the person in question[]
  2. the Irish boy[]
  3. or thumbs, or fingers[]
  4. and even then, who’s to say I will actually feel any different[]

Monday Madness: Final 100 random things about fragileheart

So, who thought I had forgotten about the final 25? Tsk tsk. I guess you don’t know me that well… even after all this revelation. Anyway, enjoy the last bits of me:

  1. I was Prom Queen in HS1.
  2. I don’t think it means as much as some people make it out to be.
  3. I am in debt and have only really begun to amend my situation this year. This debt is not due to University but due to my own lack of self-control.
  4. Balance is something that’s extremely prevalent in my life. If something goes extremely well, I can be guaranteed something will go extremely wrong. I have no examples to give to you at this point in time.
  5. My online moniker is fragileheart because when I was 16 I got my heart shattered to a million pieces. I was a huge fan of Jewel (still am) and she had a song called, “Fragile Heart” that perfectly described how I was feeling.
  6. The chorus went along the lines of, “The Surgeon’s general should do their part; warning, beware, be careful, fragile heart”. Its been 11 years and I still use that name online.
  7. When you google fragileheart, I’m pretty sure I’m first in the results. But when you google Fragile Heart, the lyrics to the song by Yolanda is first.
  8. I’ve fallen in love and gotten my heart broken at least 5 times. I don’t regret a thing.
  9. Despite the last few points you just read, I actually don’t have a very fragile heart2.
  10. I believe that pain is there to remind us that we’re still alive. When you stop feeling pain, your life stops being worth living. It means you’re not fighting for something worthwhile.
  11. I’m a very understanding person. Provided you give me something to understand. If you talk to me, I will force myself to understand your situation or position but if you assume I will figure it out for myself – I won’t.
  12. I guess this means I’m not as perceptive as I like to think I am.
    Or it could be due to the fact that I don’t like to assume things about people.
  13. I don’t like to exercise. I will wear myself out doing any sort of activity but ask me to do some repetitive exercises and I’ll run away3.
  14. I dislike negative nancies (or normans); People can disagree with something but you don’t have to be negative or insulting to get your point across.
  15. I believe that people make their own luck; if you think you’ve got bad luck then that is all that the universe will throw at you.
  16. I’ve gotten myself in many undesireable situations because I’m too nice to say no to people. I’m learning to get better, but its a slow process.
  17. There’s a quote from Heroes that scares me, “To be truly happy a man must live absolutely in the present. No thought of what has gone before and no thought of what lies ahead… but a for a life of meaning, a man is condemned to wallow in the past and obsess about the future.” It scares me because I believe there is truth to it.
  18. My short term memory is horrible. I have to write things down to remember them and sometimes even that fails me. Because of this, I sincerely dislike voicemail messages. Especially at work. I will reply to you within 2 seconds if you email me, I may take 2 hours4 to reply if you leave me a voicemail.
  19. I have a birth mark on the inside of my left thigh in the shape of a heart5, and my Dad has the same birth mark.
  20. I’m not sure I know myself. This is because I’m constantly struggling between the person that I am6 and the person that I would like to be.
  21. I would honestly prefer to believe that everyone is inately good, but I’m not oblivious to the fact that some people are just evil. Unfortunately, I don’t know the answer as to why.
  22. I am nice to strangers. But as soon as someone shows me any un-deserved negativity, I tend to return the favour three-fold.
  23. I love giving people presents. I also love receiving presents but just because I give you one doesn’t mean I expect one from you.
  24. My bladder must be the size of a clementine, I usually have to go very often. More so when I’m cold than when I’m warm though.
  25. I re-ordered this list at least 5 times to make sure all related topics stick together. I guess this means I don’t know the meaning of ‘random’. It was difficult to decide where to cut off all four parts, but I decided to go for the numberical values rather than by topic.

Other posts in this series:
100 random things about fragileheart – Part 1 of 4.
100 random things about fragileheart – Part 2 of 4.
100 random things about fragileheart – Part 3 of 4.
Final 100 random things about fragileheart7.

Footnotes:
  1. VPSS[]
  2. anymore[]
  3. or punch you hehe[]
  4. if not more[]
  5. its not a perfect heart but you’d recognise it as a heart if you ever saw it[]
  6. whoever she may be[]
  7. you are here[]

100 random things about fragileheart – Part 3 of 4

Wow, I’ve given you 50 pretty useless facts about me and you still keep coming back for more? You deserve a prize.. and maybe you’ll get one. We’ll see…

  1. My favourite colour is Pantone #267 U, or Amethyst.
  2. Unfortunately for me my birth stone is the Topaz.
  3. I edit forwards. I hate sending someone an email with all those annoying empty spaces, ‘>’ and email addresses of people I don’t care to have. I also filter a lot of my forwards; I only send out about 10% of the ones I receive.
  4. I also realise that this is meant to be random so while I have tried to put these into some sort of order, I haven’t gone to a lot of great lengths to ensure this either. I think this means I can follow rules.
  5. I have been on twitter (a social networking, micro-blogging tool/website) for less than 1 year and have updated more than 5,000 times. Over 80% of those updates are replies to people.
  6. The most common word I have seen used to describe me is ‘caring’.
  7. This makes me warm and fuzzy inside.
  8. I like feeling warm and fuzzy… any way that i can – this includes ingesting alcohol and such.
  9. Singing also makes me feel warm and fuzzy. There is nothing like belting out a good tune and rockin’ the lyrics that can make any day better.
  10. I don’t get to do that as often as I wish I could.
  11. In the past, I have deliberately taken a route which was congested with traffic just so I could listen to my songs and sing more.
  12. I’ve been known to hold a grudge. I like to think it has something to do with the fact that I care so much. The logic behind this is: when you care a lot, you can get hurt more and pain feeds grudges like ice cream feeds fat kids. But there isn’t much logic where emotions are involved so I don’t know how true this is.
  13. People who knew me when I was younger will tell you that I was a very hot-tempered individual. I’m not so sure when things changed so I can’t tell you who to talk to to tell you that I am no longer this same individual, but most of the people who I keep close now can tell you so.
  14. I use a lot of lotion and lip balm. I can’t go without it. If I forget some at home, I *will* have to go buy some. More so the lip balm than the hand lotion, but you get the point.
  15. I’ve been told I have really soft skin. All of sudden my lotion addiction doesn’t seem so bad.
  16. I’m not the greatest driver in the world, but I don’t think I’m a bad driver.
  17. I don’t think there is anyone I have trusted enough to tell every last dirty little secret that I have. There are those who are close, you know who you are.
  18. If you’re not on this list, please don’t ask to be. It will only hurt your chances.
  19. Despite spending a lot of time with my parents and brother in the last year and a half, I’m not that close with my family. I don’t tell them my secrets.
  20. I’ve had best friends in the past, but none that have been there for all my life. Luckily, I’m still friends with most of them even if I’ve drifted apart from some of them over the years.
  21. I used to have a real problem asking for help. I never wanted to bother anyone with my problems so I would sit and lament over things alone… its made me a stronger problem solver but I do wish I had relied on people more. Maybe I would have had a best friend by now if I did.
  22. As much as I1 like to talk to people about my problems, I’ve found my best solutions from writing in my journals or just simply typing them out into a blog post
  23. Many of my real life friends don’t understand why blogging means so much to me.
  24. Saying that my online friends understand would be an understatement.
  25. In total, I’ve attended 3 high schools. Of course I only graduated from one but I still attended 3 different ones: St. Mary’s Catholic High School2, Oakwood Collegiate Institute3 and Victoria Park Secondary School3.

Other posts in this series:
100 random things about fragileheart – Part 1 of 4.
100 random things about fragileheart – Part 2 of 4.
100 random things about fragileheart – Part 3 of 44.
Final 100 random things about fragileheart5.

Footnotes:
  1. now[]
  2. Dubai[]
  3. Toronto[][]
  4. you are here[]
  5. coming soon[]

100 random things about fragileheart – Part 2 of 4

So, you’re actually back for more? I’m impressed. Without further ado, here are today’s 25 of 100 random things about me:

  1. I have never felt like I am the age that I am. When I was younger, I felt I was older and now that I’m older I always feel at least 5 years younger than I really am.
  2. Sometimes people get shocked when they meet me for the first time. This usually applies to people who have only spoken to me on the phone and don’t know my full name or have ever seen a photo of me. Sometimes people who have only spoken to me on the phone and know my full name1 are still shocked by the fact that I’m asian. I guess this means my English is good.
  3. Poor blood circulation must be the reason that my hands and feet are always cold, even if I’m cozy everywhere else.
  4. I have never been skiing. I went skiing for the first time on Feb 15 2009 and wiped out, but good. So good, we called it YouTube worthy2.
  5. Nor have I ever been anywhere outside of Ontario. I am hoping 2009 is the year to change that.
  6. I love the idea of extreme sports like Bungee jumping, sky diving, zip lining, ice climbing, outdoor rock climbing, and racing.
  7. I have yet to do any of that.
  8. I’m not sure 2009 is the year to change all of that, but hopefully some of it.
  9. Being a multi-tasker, I will email you things as we’re discussing them over the phone. I will also be drinking something while doing this, and I may be listening to my favourite song, the radio or the TV as well. I might… even be planning everything else around what we’re discussing.
  10. I dislike talking on the phone unless I have a headset that allows me to keep my hands free to do other things.
  11. I can’t do a project half-assed; I either do it well or not at all. This is a problem when your employer doesn’t so much care about the quality of your work but rather that it just gets done. When I find this out, I usually quit.
  12. I like to enter contests online. The only one I’ve won was a contest on torontostar.com for a DVD of Hero (Ying xiong) starring Jet Li. It has been at least 5 years and I have yet to watch this movie. I don’t think I’ve even opened it.
  13. My favourite movie of all time is Cameron Crowe’s ‘Almost Famous’ starring Kate Hudson, Billy Crudup,
  14. Frances McDormand, Jason Lee and Patrick Fugit. I know there are many others who were great in the movie, but these 5 are my favourites.
  15. I love it because of the great music in the movie, and because of how accurately Crowe depicts how much you can love a piece of music or a band/artist. Other great things about the movie: how hot Billy Crudup is playing the guitarist.
  16. I like cooking in general, but baking soothes me. Cookies and cupcakes are my favourite things to bake.
  17. When I was a teenager, I was convinced I wouldn’t live past 40. I was so convinced that I was ready to kill myself doing some sort of extreme sport3 just to make sure my prediction would come true. Just to clarify: I didn’t mean that I would commit suicide but I was planning on basically doing things without caution and if I survive, then I survive but if I die then my prediction would have been bang on!
  18. I’ve had John Mayer’s ‘Come back to bed’ as my ring tone since Oct 2008 and I’m still not sick of it.
  19. I’m sure the fact that I don’t get that many phone calls, helps that fact.
  20. Not getting that many calls, doesn’t bother me that much. I prefer texts and emails anyway.
  21. I saw Bruce Springsteen for the first time in May 2008, I wasn’t *that* much of a fan before that but I sure am now. The man can rock.
  22. I have been to a concert on my own before, and I really enjoyed myself. It was a Jewel concert and I had great seats in the Orchestra.
  23. Movies are another story though, I’m not sure I could go to see a movie by myself.
  24. Despite all the people I’m close with who loves music, I’ve always found it hard to get people to go to concerts with me. I guess it doesn’t help that these people who love music are also not rich4.
  25. Eating by myself is something I like to do as well. When I was living in Dublin, I used to love going into town5 on the weekend to sit in a Bistro to have a meal, read a book or write in my journal and a nice glass of wine.

How about now, do you think you know me? Or have I at least inspired you to write your own ‘100 random things…’ list?

Other posts in this series:
100 random things about fragileheart – Part 1 of 4.
100 random things about fragileheart – Part 2 of 46.
100 random things about fragileheart – Part 3 of 4.
Final 100 random things about fragileheart7.

Footnotes:
  1. and still haven’t seen a photo of me[]
  2. too bad no one had a video camera rolling at the time[]
  3. do you see a connection here or what?[]
  4. like me[]
  5. they don’t call it ‘downtown’[]
  6. you are here[]
  7. coming soon[]