So much to say, not enough time

A lot has happened since I celebrated my thirty-fifth birthday. I mean I’ve mostly been working; which means I haven’t had much time to sit down and do very much writing. Heck, I haven’t had much time to do a lot of anything. I was impressed I managed to do two large loads of laundry last weekend. I believe I was also in the middle of doing three other things at the same time.

Can’t believe I’ve had this beauty for 6 years. No wonder a few of the lights are burnt out.

In case you haven’t noticed, it’s December. Everything is happening at the same time. Everything is just as important. And FOMO is at an all time high. And all I want to do is cuddle up beside my tree, with a cup of ginger tea and listen to Bach. I’ve started listening to classical music whenever I am home because it’s the only thing that has helped me relax1.

I haven’t wanted to date really. I haven’t wanted to put my trust into another person the way I used to… the way I used to long to do. I still don’t but it’s been nice getting to know some new people without the pressure of anything becoming too serious too soon. I’ve also really enjoyed the time it’s allowed me for everything else. Focusing on my friends, and work, and I wish I could say it’s allowed me the time to focus on other projects but I’d be lying. Work has taken over my life. And what spare time I have, I either take to pamper myself or to spend some Quality Time with someone I adore.

It’s made me realize how much time I wasted chasing after something I really shouldn’t have been chasing; longing for that person who has my back, and who understands me better than anyone else2. I need to be careful though… I feel like I’ve been here before. I feel like I’ve made this realization before, only to have it swept under some rug in the home that some guy asked me to help build with him.

Then again, I feel much more sure, and stronger… just not in that stubborn way that some people who have survived adversity can become. At least, I’d like to think so. Only one way to find out, I guess. I’ve still got some demons to fight though. I know that. What I don’t know is whether said demons require a conversation or whether time will be enough to qualm them. I’ll try not to worry too much about it. It seems to be working for me so far.

Life is pretty good. You can tell from my not-at-all-curated instagram feed 😉

And now for some photographic evidence of *some* of the things I’ve been up to since I last wrote:

West Queen West BIA’s 2nd Annual Adopt-a-plant drive
Ascot Royals at the Indie Music Week 2016 Launch Party
Cavalcade of Lights at Nathan Philips Square
One of many Christmas functions with my lovely parents
#HoHoTO with my wifey
Dreaming of Summer with Moda Mama at the Sears Spring Launch #SearsSizzle

I’m missing photos from some other fun things I’ve done…because let’s face it, either they’re not fit for public consumption or I was having too much fun to take pictures 😉

‘Till I feel like writing again… xo

  1. not the only thing, but he’s not as readily available as spotify is. He works almost as much as I do[]
  2. duh, she’s been inside me all along[]

A Very Happy Christmas to all!

This time last year my family and I were in Niagara Falls. We had booked two hotel rooms1 and were there just to go on a trip. It’s my brother’s birthday on Christmas Eve so we try to do something extra special for him every year to make up for the seemingly lack of presents2.

This year we were going to drive over to NYC but then there was an unexpected changes that have prevented us from doing so. Thankfully the withdrawals are a little easier to handle this year. What withdrawals you ask? Allow me to tell you… In 2004, I met, started dating and fell in love with an Irish boy. So much so that Christmas that year I impulsively3 booked a trip to be with him. Even though we broke up in 2005, my delusional love led me to booking another trip out there during the holidays. I would then spend two more Christmasses there after my move in 2006. That’s 4 years of Christmasses spent with some of the most amazingly cheerful, warm and loving people I have ever had the pleasure of spending time with.

People from Toronto are certainly comparable in kindness but there is a certain unspoken understanding by everyone I encountered who loved the season4. There is nothing wrong with the fact that in Toronto there are people who won’t embrace the fact that some people will need to close up shop and celebrate family, love and togetherness5.

In fact, it’s part of what makes Toronto so great: the multiculturalism. It just means that I am going to have to try harder at channelling the same love, acceptance and understanding that I saw in Dublin to those who may not necessarily accept this holiday for what it is. I only hope that you join me in doing the same because whatever the reason the holiday was created – don’t we all need more days where we focus on loving, understanding and accepting one another for all the differences we have?

So my wish for this Christmas is this: Whether or not you believe in Jesus Christ6 just let others be who they want to be and do what they want to do. Unless of course what they want to do is hurt, maim or kill you… then uhm… RUN!

One last thing before I go, I’d like to make a special shout out to my brother: who celebrated his birthday on Christmas Eve7. Sure we make fun of him for being lazy, and for being a computer-game-playing bum but he is a kind, smart, gentle soul and I wish that he gets all that his heart desires8.

And a special thanks to all of you who continue to visit and read despite some serious lack of updates from me. It means the world to me that you enjoy reading my ramblings that I mostly write for self-therapy. Thank you and I wish you lots of love and laughter during this Holiday season.

What is your wish this Christmas?

  1. one for my parents and one for my brother, cousin and I[]
  2. all things considered[]
  3. no surprise really – I was a terribly impulsive person… I still am… a little bit[]
  4. I am only now slowly reaslising that this is due to the fact that everyone in the south of Dublin would be of the same faith[]
  5. and much more[]
  6. or the man-made rules of the church that he is associated with[]
  7. and who has to celebrate it on this day for the his entire life[]
  8. whatever that may be[]

Everything happens for a reason

Scrabble scores

Whenever something doesn’t turn out the way I expected it to; I try not to wallow in self pity or get angry or allow myself to spend too much time with any negative emotions. I’m not afraid of them, I just think it’s a waste of time and energy. I understand that these negative emotions are a part of human nature, they’re inevitable. I don’t try to fight them, I just don’t want them taking over my life. When I was a child, and then a tween and finally a teen and even when I was a young adult – I let it take over my life all the time. I had such a short fuse, it was a wonder I never ran out of fuses and just stayed blown out.

There was no exact moment that made it change. But there were obvious factors. One was the Irish boy, and being in Ireland all together. I never quite understood it because he had a very short fuze himself1 but he had a way of calming me down. Despite all of our differences and problems, he centered me in a way I still can’t explain. Maybe that’s why I was so in love with him or maybe because I was so in love with him he centered me. I’ll never know and I’m ok with that. Either way, I’m grateful to have known him and grateful to have had a chance to live in Dublin where I learned to relax2. Without this ability, I may not be half as happy as I am these days.

Speaking of moving countries that helped in my personal development: I lived in Dubai from age 4 to 16. I went to a Private school. A Private Catholic school. In a muslim country. Can you say repressed? I wasn’t allowed to. So what did I do? I hiked up my skirt3 and unbuttoned my blouse too low. I skipped classes and talked to all the boys and got C’s and D’s in everything but English & Art. I was on the fast track to becoming someone’s baby mama; ok maybe not. I only ever slept with one person while I was there, and he was my first love. But miraculously when we moved to Canada I was reborn. It was as-if passing over the Atlantic Ocean erased everything and gave me new life. I got As. I got involved in school. I uh.. was prom queen4. Needless to say, I am thankful that my parents moved us from Dubai to Toronto5.

Broken hearts. I’ve had my share of broken hearts and I’ve dealt my fair share as well. You don’t take on a moniker like ‘fragileheart’ without knowing a thing or two about fragile hearts. The most recent broken heart and the one that seems to really have turned my world upside down in a way I never imagined anything could, was an unexpected mind-fuck. I let my guard down to the one person I really shouldn’t have. I had been so wary of openly trusting someone with my heart since my first love. But he got me at the right time; I had just broken the heart of someone I loved more than anything in the world6 and was in a foolish mood to throw caution to the wind. So throw I did.

And advantage, he did take. I don’t blame him though. I am my own person. I let him in and I he walked away with a lot more than just my ability to trust. But I am still thankful for the experience because it is the hardest lesson I have yet to learn in this seemingly hap-hazard, carefree life I have led to date. I have since learnt to slow down and it would appear that it is just in the nick of time. I’m finally learning to be on my own; I am learning to be more independent than I was before but simultaneously learning how to treasure girlfriends. So I’m thankful that I met him. Mind you, I’m also thankful that I no longer have him in my life but that’s neither here nor there7

Everything happens for a reason. These are only some of examples from my life that I truly am thankful for. It goes without saying that I am grateful for my family. I don’t know what I would do without my Dad, Mum & brother but that’s a whole other post and I think I’m going to save that for next year8.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

  1. two short fuzes, and we wondered why we fought so much?[]
  2. and not be so anal, so ‘Monica’[]
  3. a little more, show your world to me[]
  4. I’m not *always* proud to admit this one[]
  5. not just Canada[]
  6. despite all our differences – The Irish boy; though he’d never believe these words[]
  7. it’s somewhere else? ;P[]
  8. my 30th thanksgiving[]

Goodbye 2009

Two thousand and nine. What a heck of a year. Sure, nothing significant happened until May of this year but it pretty much snowballed from there. I move out of my parents’ place and quickly learned what it means to really use your toiletries1. It has certainly made me look at money in a very different way than I ever used to. I still own a lot of different bottles of whatever but most of it are from clothing swaps2. At first I got saddened by the reality of my “poverty”3, but I quickly realised how much worse it could be and that this was the price I was paying for my independence. Not that I ever had issues with independence when I was living with my parents in the sense that they were very trusting and allowed me to come and go as I pleased BUT they were also always around to bail me out4.

So even though I’ve had this resolution for the last few years, I know that thanks to the consumer proposal I filed earlier this year I will actually be able to say that I have made a dent in the debts that I owe.

The next significant thing to happen, was not a pleasant event in the least but I would be lying if I said that nothing good came from it. Breaking up is always hard to do but I think it definitely gave me the courage to be open with what I want, and5 begin being honest with myself about what I want. I don’t know how I managed to do it but even in the five years I was in my last relationship I learned to be sure enough of myself to know that it’s okay to want what I want, and that I may even deserve it. I’m not sure when it started but every relationship I started, started with doubt for me. I doubted myself, and what I had to offer a relationship and the person I was in the relationship with. Naturally, I didn’t want to freak out the guy I just started seeing so I never said anything and held it all in. What a way to start a relationship right?

Well, the next resolution for this year would be to not be in a relationship unless it really makes sense for both of us6. If I’m not ready, and he is then too bad because I’m not ready. If I’m ready and he’s not, then too bad because he’s not ready. I can only hope that I am able to only keep dating people who are able to be honest with themselves and with me so that I can keep this resolution. I realise this might be a really hard one to keep since it relies on other people but that’s another thing I think I need to learn to do: rely on people.

I don’t like to rely on people because, people can let you down. But more often than not they actually surprise and delight you, but only if you let them. So resolution number 37 is to let people in.

Many people have told me about friends of theirs who have regaled stories or have told me themselves about how the 28th year of their life was a significant one for them. I felt it before anyone said anything to me the night I turned 28 and I’m feeling it even more as the months pass by. And as many of you know, I desire to make the world better for5 the people I care about the most8 and I figured that I can only do that by first taking care of myself. So yes, these resolutions are about me. But they’re about all of you indirectly.

And with that I just want to say thanks to you for still being here through this turmoil I’ve been through in the last little while9. I hope that your 2009 was a memorable one – whether there were hardships or not – and that it only helped you become the wonderful person I know that you are10. I hope too that the beginning of the next decade brings nothing but prosperity, love and understanding for you and everyone you love.

What are some of your New Year’s resolutions?

  1. to the very last drop[]
  2. yes, we bring more than just clothes[]
  3. obviously, this is a horrible word to use because at least I still have a roof over my head and food in my belly but can I please have this one… just this once??[]
  4. financially[]
  5. at the very least[][]
  6. myself and whoever this dude might be[]
  7. for those keeping track[]
  8. uh, yes I realise I tend to care a lot about a lot of people[]
  9. even though you don’t comment, I know you’ve been here so thank you[]
  10. and don’t you dare let anyone tell you otherwise[]