The last of the lie

This is an ode (to the last of the lie).

When you start to get to know someone; when you start to build a foundation for your relationship, you create certain stories together – most of them are true, at least in the context of your lives when you’re building.

When a relationship ends, after the turmoil, the pain, and the grieving is over sometimes there is this hope that remains. Hope that there was something about that foundation you built that is strong enough that maybe one day you could share that same bond again,  or any bond – perhaps something that resembles a friendship1.

Sometimes though, the stories are too far from the truth and you just have to let go of the last of the lie. This doesn’t make either of you a bad person. The lies were true when they were being told. They just weren’t truths you wanted to keep, so you let the truths go. And you begin to live other truths that sometimes contradict the truths you once owned.

And then there are other times when there’s something about that ‘lie’ that’s sticky. It clings on to the core of you and insists on providing you with glimpses of hope that the lie is worth holding on to. So you wait it out. And you wait, and wait. You find other things to focus on because as the light of the ‘lie’ grows fainter every day, you need other light sources. So you look forward, and fill your life with the light of things that don’t remind you that you once allowed someone to treat you like you deserved anything less than respect.

One day, you’ll be ready. You’ll look back on the ‘lie’ and be able to wish it the farewell it deserves. And you’ll be free to really move on.

Unti then, just breathe.

Footnotes:
  1. something to truly be treasured. It isn’t a consolation prize to romance[]

There one where I get a little cynical

love

I’m a hopeless romantic, and I think that’s my biggest problem1, the fact that I’m hopeless about romance. I think that while I was growing up, the notion of being hopelessly romantic was the best because it meant that one would be romantic no matter what; that you would choose love, no matter what.

Now that I’m older, and not less prone to my impulses, I’ve come to the realization that it’s pretty stupid silly to be hopeless about the subject of love and romance. Being a hopeless romantic means that you are the type who would do anything for the person who is lucky enough to earn a place in your heart. “Ain’t no mountain high enough, Ain’t no valley low enough, Ain’t no river wide enough, To keep me from you”; and other such unrealistic proclamations, these are the sort of things you’d hear someone – who was a hopeless romantic – utter. It’s lovely, isn’t it? Doesn’t it awaken those butterflies in your stomach? Make your heart race, and your palms sweat? Me. Too.

Of course, as I’ve already stated – all that romantic stuff is unrealistic. You swoon while you make promises of such grand gestures and your ‘love’ is elated because, “Oh my god, you’d do all that for me? I feel so special”. Of course, unless you back it up with actions that demonstrate your dedication, you’re just a liar. Maybe that’s a little unfair – maybe you didn’t mean to lie about the things you’d do to make the other person happy; maybe you had every intention to do those things but life got in the way. Either way, it still proves my point – being a hopeless romantic is really one being just hopeless. Maybe there’s nothing romantic about it all. We were just taught to think so.

Now say, you’re on the other side of that coin and you are the one who needs to hear such proclamations of adoration to truly feel loved. Well, you’re fucked too aren’t you?. The odds of you meeting someone who a) will adore you enough to speak to you like Romeo spoke to Juliet, b) will actually mean every word they say, and c) will share your hopeless romanticism is smaller than… something with really small odds2.

All I’m trying to say is that once upon a time, I believed in Once Upon a Time. And now I realize that all those fairy tales ended in a wedding or a marriage to someone they barely knew, with no follow-up story for how their lives actually played out. All that we were told was that they lived “happily ever after”, but we were never given proof. So I think it’s time to put away my hopes of finding the kind of adoration that I am, seemingly, cursed to feel for my partner. It’s time I realize that the way I love is the way that I love, and that anyone else I may pair up with isn’t going to love me the same way, but that doesn’t mean they love me any less. I guess.

So far, I’ve always known what I know about love. But for the first time in my life, I’m really unsure. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Footnotes:
  1. when it comes to relationships[]
  2. I am not a statistician[]

Happy Love Day!

Oh Valentine’s Day. The last of the holidays that could make you feel like absolute crap if you let it. There is no wonder that March 1st 2009 was like my own personal New Year.

Love; companionship; having someone understand you; having someone who wants you around or thinks about you all the time. Some of these could be argued to be dependence rather than love.. I’m not interested in hashing out that debate.

Being “in love” and having the butterflies in your stomach that make you smile when the rest of your day or world seems like hell. Love is a drug. And like any drug it can be addictive. It’s effect also fades over time as your body becomes accustomed to having the flowing through your blood stream. How do you keep it alive? There is no easy answer; each couple or situation will have a different solution that will work for them. There is no easy formula.

On the eve of this feel-good holiday I find myself having a weak moment. I’ll be honest and say that I miss having someone make a romantic gesture to get my attention. Being single and having my independence is great but I’ll be honest that all these valentine’s day themed shows and whatever else have me missing being the metaphorical apple of someone’s eye1.

What it boils down to is that I am a hopeless romantic and with all that I’ve gone through in the last six years, it’s going to take a hell of a lot more than… well.. just a lot more that it used to. Not that I’m about to change my name or anything but I think this fragile heart just got a bit harder2.

How does Valentine’s Day make you feel? Does it make you feel every bit as hopeful as this video below? Or does it make you want to hurt people?

Footnotes:
  1. No need to feel bad for me though k? I’m just being honest about my feelings. I’ll be over it before this post publishes[]
  2. don’t worry, this hopeless romantic still believes that there will be a happily ever after out there for me[]

If I had a billion dollars…

I was chatting with a friend on gtalk the other day and was, as usual, complaining about work. He mentioned something about wishing he had a billion dollars and my imagination went on overdrive. I was suddenly filled with hopeful spleandor at the thought of not having to worry about money.

I realised too that it was something I had never thought about, mostly because of my roots and the fact that I know I’ll have to work for money for the rest of my life – and I had accepted that. I like working; I just wish I was paid more. But that’s besides the point.

My instinctual fantasy was this:
I’d bartend in a cute little Irish Pub with regulars consisting of all sorts of people1 from all walks of life, in Greece2. I’d want to work Monday to Thursday 9am to 5pm3 and have my evenings and weekends off. Notice the four day work week? This is a fantasy after all.

Rows of grapes on FlickrThen I started building on this fantasy:
In the evening and on the weekends, I’d spend time on my yacht sailing around the islands or off in my plane where I can go sky diving. After work in the evenings, I’d walk through the vineyard4 and then down to the cellar and pick out a nice bottle of red for dinner. I’d cook my own meals and probably have seafood every night5… lobster, crab, mussels, fish, scallops6 and of course my absolute favourite shrimp!

Thinking this way put a huge smile on my face… a smile that has been missing from my face for a long time now. This chat with my friend made me realise what it was that I was missing from my life. I had somehow lost the one thing that kep me going through everything that I ever go through. Losing this had caused me to become bitter and even whiny7. Now I just have to try and hold on to my hope. Its the first time in a really8 long time that I had lost it so I wasn’t really sure what I was missing until now.

I have my friend to thank, but he’s going to remain anonymous because I’m not sure he’d want to be advertised… but thank you.

What would you do if you had a billion dollars?

Footnotes:
  1. of all ages[]
  2. I’ve always wanted to go[]
  3. because having to wait until 11 to drink is ridiculous[]
  4. mine[]
  5. I’m living in Greece for crying out loud[]
  6. though maybe not as often[]
  7. ask my twitter followers, they’ll tell you I’ve been whiny lately[]
  8. like at least 11 years[]