Uncertainty, muddled beliefs and the benefits of doubt

I have always maintained that everyone deserves love1 but I am suddenly finding myself leaning towards the cynical side of life philosophy these days. It’s unnerving but also difficult to shake. I’ve had a lot of bad shit happen to me2 but I have always been able to bounce back into hope. Hope that things will always get better; hope that things always work out for a reason; hope that if you want something bad enough you’ll get it; hope that everyone deserves the best3.

Cynics4 would call me naive in thinking all that but all the ‘pain’ I’ve experienced in my life has been accompanied by amazing life lessons, experiences and memories that I would not trade for anything -no, not even a happy ending. Why? Because who’s to say what happy ending that would have been, and who’s to say it would have actually lasted? I almost had my so-called happy ending, at least according to some, but it didn’t happen because it wasn’t right for me.

Hope would have me believe that the reason it didn’t happen was precisely because it wasn’t right for me; this other side that is creeping into my life philosophy is telling me that I wouldn’t know because it didn’t happen -except that I do know. And so the battle goes. This weekend I witnessed5 some ridiculous behaviour by people. I say people because women are every bit as guilty of bullshit as women are. Yes, I include myself in this. It’s because we don’t know what we want; and if we do know what we want there’s no guarantee that what we want will remain the same for any given length of time.

And to top it off for the most part we are ashamed to admit that we don’t know what we want. Maybe we’re not ashamed; maybe we’re unsure of how to express it; maybe we’re unsure of how it will be received; maybe we don’t even realize that we’re doing someone else’s head in; maybe, maybe, maybe… whatever the reason the truth is that when it comes to emotions and/or sexuality6 our brains don’t function quite the same.

Going back to said bullshit, I should probably elaborate for curiousity’s sake but that’s just not how this goes so you’ll have to take my word for it and understand that the main thing is that there was disrespect displayed7 displayed in several unrelated scenarios that has compounded and made me question my entire belief system. Maybe I’m speaking too soon8 but if this keeps up I may just become a cynic.

I want to try. I want to be stronger than that; I don’t want to give in to the dark side but right now I just don’t think I have enough fight left in me.

I don’t have any questions today9.

  1. don’t worry I still do – mostly[]
  2. once again I say: hence the name fragileheart[]
  3. and gets it[]
  4. they call themselves realistic; side note part two: I’m starting to believe them[]
  5. and unfortunately was party to[]
  6. as much as we try to convince ourselves, these are not mutually exclusive – try to argue with me all you want you ain’t convincing this chickidee[]
  7. and that I am, regrettably, not innocent[]
  8. and heavens-to-Betsy I freakin’ hope so[]
  9. at least not ones I care to ask here[]

I have a dream

No, not that kind of a dream sorry. I’m a little more self-centred than that1.

Naturally, the night I go to watch Inception I end up dreaming about the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. I could potentially draw his face if I had time or the desire to. What is more important is how he felt. Not physically, no -soulfully. The way his soul felt was familiar though his face was not. I have not met him yet.

We were on a sail boat. The sun was setting just behind his hips as he laid in front of me, facing me. He was speaking amicably about something, as we floated on the water making me think our anchor was dropped for the night. He smelt fresh. His skin freckled and slightly tanned. His wavy, blond hair gently blew in the wind as he threw his head to his left as he laughed about something I said. He was leaning on this left elbow. His lips were a gorgeous shade of reddish pink, the perfect accent to his striped navy and white, crew neck, knitted sweater and khaki pants rolled up just above his ankles. I have no recollection of the details of his feet and/or shoes. His ankles was sexy though.

He was older, and though I never saw myself I knew I was too. And I knew we made our dream come true -our dream to retire on a sail boat and sail around the world.

No wonder some people prefer to keep their head in the clouds.

I would just like to point out that I had this dream on Saturday…. and I still remember it quite¬†vividly. The end.

  1. ok maybe a lot more[]

Hindsight is 20/20

As I was catching up on some blogs, something that Rachel said a little while ago really made me realise just how early on I1 should have realised that it wasn’t going to work or that things were starting to fail. Scheduling a weekly skype night seems to make so much sense right now. How did either of us expect that our love would really survive the long distance for such a long time without making each other an actual priority? Simply ‘knowing’ that the other was a priority without really making the effort to do something as simple as scheduling a night to talk and catch up, is just asking for trouble.

Not that it was the single cause but it certainly would have been a good starting point. After that, maybe facing the fear of pissing each other off and fighting would have been another good step. Though that’s a difficult one; we started off fighting. I thought he hated me because his friends hated me. And then there were trust issues… so we started by fighting and it was understandable that neither of us wanted to fight over the long distance.

I know this could be an unhealthy exercise… looking back on why it fell apart2 and what could have saved it. But I think it’s a necessary exercise, so long as I put it away after this. And if I’m being honest? I don’t remember why I insisted so much that we were meant to be together other than I just ‘knew’. Yes, he made me laugh. But for the most part… me made me feel like shit about myself. He judged me because his friends judged me. ¬†Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t out right abuse me 24/7. He was very sweet to me3. And our interests did align, because I forced it to do so. It wasn’t until I moved to Dublin that he really turned around and started treating me the way I knew he could have treated me all along. I was in heaven.

I was devastated when I had to move back to Toronto, but I was optimistic because of how great everything was going. But even 9 months of a perfect relationship doesn’t just heal the past4. And the rest is history really. At least for now.

  1. we[]
  2. especially when some would argue that the only reason it fell apart is because I cheated. I won’t argue, but I have to be realistic[]
  3. in private quarters[]
  4. unless the past issues were discussed and the air was cleared – which it wasn’t[]

To sleepless nights, and full plates.

I wrote this a while ago (Mar 12), but I needed to keep it private. Now, I’m ok with sharing it.

Sleep; that is something I have not had much of this week. I wish I could tell you there was good reason for it. Frankly, it had a lot to do with a boy and a little to do with very full plate. The boy, has been the boy I wrote such great things about here, and here. The boy is no longer in the picture. The boy is no longer that great. That is all I am really willing to say. Ok I lied.

Still, I listen to a great piece of music and think of him. Still, I am in dance class and really feel the move and I think of him. Still, I think of a great line for a poem, or even for a quote and I think about sharing it with him. Still, I think about ways to make him proud of me. It is hard to let go of wanting to please someone like him. Someone who is so expressive, and passionate and sincere. At least I thought he was sincere. Maybe it is a coping mechanism, but I no longer think he is as sincere as I once thought he was.

This is partially an explanation for my silence this week, and partially necessary self-admission. I need to publicly admit that this is my reality – I fell for someone who fooled me into thinking he was someone he is not. But my reality also is that maybe I have it wrong; that he is that person but just not that person for me. Either way – whatever his truth is – I am still left here hurting. It is partially of my own doing. I am the one who has walked away. But I did not really feel like I had much of a choice. I wanted both of us to be able to remember something good about our brief time together, and I felt like if we had continued down the road we were stuck on there would be nothing of that happiness left.

I am certain that he does not loose even a quarter of the amount of sleep that I have lost over him; but it does not make me hate him (as much as I have tried). This is not because he does not deserve to be hated – some of my friends argue that he deserves all the hate that my ever-loving heart can muster. No, I do not hate him simply because at the end of the day I not only learned some valuable lessons – I have made one great friend. And even when you are left with a gaping hole in your chest, there is no room for regret when you are also left with valuable life lessons and a wonderful friend.

The night I looked him in the eyes and said I was done, he asked me if I at least felt a little bit better about myself and I did not want to answer him. I did not want to answer because I felt like by answering him I would be giving him the power that he was asking for. But I have decided that I do not want to play that game. The truth is what I want to play… and the truth is: Yes. That is what hurts so much. That he has given me such motivation but that I have no choice but to cut him out of my life – if that makes sense. Of course, I am doing all this for myself but there will always be a part of me that is also doing it for him. Or maybe I am just telling myself that.

We hope you have enjoyed this edition (we hope this is the first of few) of the nonsensical, emotional ramblings of a fragileheart. We hope to see the real fragileheart return in the near future…