Running out of steam

One of my resolutions this year was to write once a week. The end of last year wasn’t going so well, and I wanted to head into this year with the kind of fierceness that this year deserved to be faced with. I am finding myself running out of steam and I figured I might as well write about it. It isn’t that I don’t have anything to say anymore either. I have a lot to say, actually. Right now though, I feel like it doesn’t matter what I say nor do – nothing is going to change1.

Lounging on the lake at last year’s cottage trip
Photography by: Joanna Haughton

Luckily, I am going to get out of the city again this week. Someone very near, and dear to me is celebrating a birthday and we’re going to a cottage to celebrate. I’ve talked about it before, and I’ll say it again: I am so grateful that I get to go on these out-of-city trips during the week so that I don’t have to drive in a lot of traffic. I have no doubt I’ll feel right as rain when I get back, but I also have no doubt that the feeling will only last about a week or three until it all weighs be down all over again.

Work is extremely busy2. Dating in this city is disenchanting. There is always a pit in my stomach and while I manage to keep it at bay while I’m with my friends… it’s always there. All I can think about is going away but there are responsibilities – that are very important to me – keeping me here. I’m waiting on news about a volunteering opportunity that would determine if I get to leave for the winter. I don’t even have my fingers crossed for either outcome because no matter what I’d be a happy camper3.

I’m sure those who are close to me and are reading this are starting to worry about me: please don’t. I’m fine. I live a wonderfully full, and amazing life. I just really need to make a change, and I haven’t quite figured out how to make it. I have faith I’ll figure it out soon enough, or at the very least I’ll figure it out. I just need to give it that ever-so-precious commodity called, time. Something I imagine I’ll have plenty of while I’m up at the cottage.

Just breathe.

Footnotes:
  1. I guess that’s the problem with wanting something you just can’t have[]
  2. in the best of ways[]
  3. ish – I do actually really want to go away[]

An open invitation to joy

IMG_2461Life had become so negative for me. Over the last few years, life had become so negative. I don’t know when it started and I don’t know how I allowed myself to get so lost in it but it was before my last long term relationship1. 6 months after I moved out, and I’ve had plenty of time to think about what went wrong and why life seemed to have gotten so dire.

The start doesn’t matter, what happened doesn’t matter; that isn’t what I want to write about. I want to write about the change I am consciously going to will into my life this year. Currently, when something upsets me or hurts me I have this terrible habit, this awful learned behaviour to focus on the negative. Once upon a time, I was able to embrace the pain, process it and allow myself to learn what I needed to learn from the experience. That’s the healthy way to experience life, and I have been incapable of it for a while now. I know better. I know I’m capable of doing better.

I’m glad I am where I am. I’m glad I’m able to call out this problem, and know that now I can begin the journey to being2 healthier. There’s a part of me that wants to thank a certain someone for coming into my life and inspiring this change, but that wouldn’t be very fair to me. I’m extremely grateful that he’s in my life, and that he challenges me in ways that have helped me see this problem. I am making the choice to do something about it though; me. No one else can make this decision for me, and I am proud to say it from the proverbial rooftops that I am making the promise to do better this year.

So I am putting a call out to joy. My life has been lacking in joy3 for far too long, and it’s time to change that. And that change begins with me.

What changes are you going to make to your life in 2016?

Footnotes:
  1. the one many of my friends know about[]
  2. mentally[]
  3. and zen[]

Don’t let the door hit you on your way out, 2013!

Well, I guess that’s it. Isn’t it? This year is finally behind us. I’ve never looked forward for a year to end so much as I have this year. This year was the worst year out of all the years of life. And yet a lot of wonderful things happened1; I guess it just goes to show that there is always good that will come out of a bad situation. I just wish there had been more good this year than bad.

The things I wish to never forget about 2013:

1. That time I was in the pilot episode of a reality TV show called, Come Date With Me on the W Network.

Still from Come Date With Me Canada

2. Being auctioned off at Love a Heart2. Photo credit: Chris Luckhardt.

Facebook Events | Love a Heart

3. Stage Managing for Canadian Music Week and meeting #LeBeau, Garret3.

Canadian Music Week Stage Manager

4. Stage Managing for North By North East and meeting Sloan. Sorry no pictures.
5. Getting a brand new family member, Drogo.

Drogo Sy!

6. Having a custom vine made just for me by Cyrstal Light Canada.

Facebook | Crystal Light Canada | Weird & Wonderful You

7. Assistant Stage Managing for Pride and getting to meet and work with En Vogue.

En Vogue at Pride 2013

8. Going to Cunt Cottage and having an amazing weekend away from the city.

http://fragileheart.com/wp-content/uploads/cunt-cottage.jpg

9. Working for TIFF and getting to see some stars up-close-and-personal-like. No pictures, because I want to be able to work there again in 2014.
10. Going on a boat cruise with Shannon & the gang courtesy of Crazy Uncle. No pictures because I have no idea what I did with the pictures from that cruise. Oops.
11. Volunteering for TEDxToronto4.

TEDxToronto 2013

12. Being in a feature film that won an award at TOIndieFF2013, was part of the official selection at DIFF2013 and reviewed here.

Unhappy Happy Still
13. Working on the 48 hour film project where our team won Best Ensemble Cast.

Hashtag Bougie Productions

13. Meeting and falling in love with #LeBeau’s two daughters5. No pictures, of course. They’re too wittle.
14. Celebrating Christmas with our families and getting 2nd Christmas with the girls. Also no pictures, because I’m a spoil sport like that.
15. Being able to celeberate my birthday & the holidays with some really awesome friends. Again; no pictures, because we didn’t take a group photo and there are too many great ones to choose from.
16. Getting to keep in touch with my wifey, Christine Estima even though she’s a gazillion miles away.

Last but not least…
17. Getting to do this fun photoshoot for Ford Canada with the ever-sexy, Ford Fiesta, Marie & Brock.

Date Night with the Ford Fiesta

Shopping fun with Marie & the Ford Fiesta

I’m not at all interested in re-living the past that was this horrible year, so I won’t go into any details about it. I would rather look forward with hope and excitement for what 2014 might have to bring. I can only hope that it’ll be a good year because if my own personal history has taught me anything 2015 is set to be another doozy. You see, there’s something about years that end in zeros and fives – they don’t like me very much. I had a terrible 1995, I can’t say 2000 was any better, 2005 was horrible, 2010 was another nightmare year… mind you, they were all bad for heartbreak but not much else.

Anyway, that’s a whole 365 days away. For now, here’s hoping that in 2014, I…:

  • …no longer have to worry about how I’m going to pay for groceries or laundry.
  • …can actually afford to meet up with friends at least once a week.
  • …find the energy to get off my ass and start exercising again.
  • …will visit my parents and cook for them more often.
  • …will stop worrying about things that I really have no control over.
  • …can reconnect with some old friends who I miss but have drifted away from, for no good reason. And stay connected.
  • …get to go camping twice – once with the family, and once with the man and/or friends.
  • …get to visit somewhere I have never been.
  • …write more for this blog.
  • …learn how to make a Filipino dish I have never made before, but love to eat.

And that’s about it. I had a longer list but I’ve cut it down some in an attempt to be a little more realistic with my resolutions. I didn’t make any resolutions for 2013 because at this age, I’m kind of over them. Since 2013 was such a bad year though, I needed some things to look forward to. And these are some of the more important things I’m looking forward to for this New Year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

What are you looking forward to in 2014?

Footnotes:
  1. I met Garret this year after all[]
  2. an annual favourite[]
  3. Nope. Not his real name[]
  4. another annual favourite[]
  5. and finally having children in my life. wee![]

Goodbye 2009

Two thousand and nine. What a heck of a year. Sure, nothing significant happened until May of this year but it pretty much snowballed from there. I move out of my parents’ place and quickly learned what it means to really use your toiletries1. It has certainly made me look at money in a very different way than I ever used to. I still own a lot of different bottles of whatever but most of it are from clothing swaps2. At first I got saddened by the reality of my “poverty”3, but I quickly realised how much worse it could be and that this was the price I was paying for my independence.┬áNot that I ever had issues with independence when I was living with my parents in the sense that they were very trusting and allowed me to come and go as I pleased BUT they were also always around to bail me out4.

So even though I’ve had this resolution for the last few years, I know that thanks to the consumer proposal I filed earlier this year I will actually be able to say that I have made a dent in the debts that I owe.

The next significant thing to happen, was not a pleasant event in the least but I would be lying if I said that nothing good came from it. Breaking up is always hard to do but I think it definitely gave me the courage to be open with what I want, and5 begin being honest with myself about what I want. I don’t know how I managed to do it but even in the five years I was in my last relationship I learned to be sure enough of myself to know that it’s okay to want what I want, and that I may even deserve it. I’m not sure when it started but every relationship I started, started with doubt for me. I doubted myself, and what I had to offer a relationship and the person I was in the relationship with. Naturally, I didn’t want to freak out the guy I just started seeing so I never said anything and held it all in. What a way to start a relationship right?

Well, the next resolution for this year would be to not be in a relationship unless it really makes sense for both of us6. If I’m not ready, and he is then too bad because I’m not ready. If I’m ready and he’s not, then too bad because he’s not ready. I can only hope that I am able to only keep dating people who are able to be honest with themselves and with me so that I can keep this resolution. I realise this might be a really hard one to keep since it relies on other people but that’s another thing I think I need to learn to do: rely on people.

I don’t like to rely on people because, people can let you down. But more often than not they actually surprise and delight you, but only if you let them. So resolution number 37 is to let people in.

Many people have told me about friends of theirs who have regaled stories or have told me themselves about how the 28th year of their life was a significant one for them. I felt it before anyone said anything to me the night I turned 28 and I’m feeling it even more as the months pass by. And as many of you know, I desire to make the world better for5 the people I care about the most8 and I figured that I can only do that by first taking care of myself. So yes, these resolutions are about me. But they’re about all of you indirectly.

And with that I just want to say thanks to you for still being here through this turmoil I’ve been through in the last little while9. I hope that your 2009 was a memorable one – whether there were hardships or not – and that it only helped you become the wonderful person I know that you are10. I hope too that the beginning of the next decade brings nothing but prosperity, love and understanding for you and everyone you love.

What are some of your New Year’s resolutions?

Footnotes:
  1. to the very last drop[]
  2. yes, we bring more than just clothes[]
  3. obviously, this is a horrible word to use because at least I still have a roof over my head and food in my belly but can I please have this one… just this once??[]
  4. financially[]
  5. at the very least[][]
  6. myself and whoever this dude might be[]
  7. for those keeping track[]
  8. uh, yes I realise I tend to care a lot about a lot of people[]
  9. even though you don’t comment, I know you’ve been here so thank you[]
  10. and don’t you dare let anyone tell you otherwise[]