A long day ends with some retrospection

You know, it has been one heck of a wild ride. I would be more specific but I am not sure I can see when said ride began anymore -it was that long of a ride1!

Two years ago a very big chapter of my life ended. I wasn’t sure what to expect and I’m not so sure that the last two years is something I could have predicted. What it comes down to is that I know I’m ready to try my hand at a monogamous relationship again. As a bonus I’m also now in a headspace where I don’t feel an urgent need to find it2.

The last guy3, was unexpectedly spectacular but in retrospect he had many personality traits that I was overlooking. I get why his gut feeling was telling him that we weren’t that compatible; to be honest I think he would have driven me crazier than he already did in the oh-so-brief-but-freaking-intense romance that we shared. It still stings a little to think about so I know I’m not ready to have him in my life just yet… I just hope that I actually can one day4.

Then there is the other one. The one who really shook me up two years ago; wanting to make friends… wanting to re-connect. I don’t think I’m ready and to be completely honest, I’m not so sure I will ever be. Yes, I am the type of person who can forgive and forget anything but there is a certain comfort level that I need to have with the people I keep close to me¬†((What I’m trying not to say is that I simply need to be able to trust a person and I don’t think I can ever trust him again)).

Sigh. Boys5. I don’t even know what to say sometimes. Do you ever stop to think about what you’re saying to us women? I mean, if you were a father and some boy were saying the same things to your daughter -how would you feel? Enraged, I’m sure. Yet you don’t have a problem saying it to a girl you barely know or talk to? JUST because she’s nice and open minded? I’m pretty sure that is balls.

And I’m apartment hunting again. I really hope this is the last time for at least 2 years. After that I’m hoping any move I make is either to another city or… space? ūüėČ

Making the effort to talk to my parents daily and/or see them more often seems to be helping things despite my obliviousness to the fact that said things needed help.

I need more time to think… but I should also get some sleep. Meep.

Footnotes:
  1. Don’t get excited, I’m not about to tell you either…[]
  2. at least not anymore… though I can’t quite explain why so I’m tempted to think that I’m in denial about it but only time will tell[]
  3. who some of you know about[]
  4. and hopefully soon[]
  5. You can’t tell but I had to close my eyes and breathe for 15 seconds before I could continue writing[]

Mummy

As I grow older and we,
Slowly become friends,
I realise what defines me,
As a girl, as a woman,
can be traced back to you.

Your warmth and care,
Your goofy jokes,
Your energy,
Your mind,
Always make me smile.

Its a treasure to know you,
More so to love you,
Even still to be loved by you,
I hope you always know,
My brother and I,
will always need you.

Happy Birthday Mummy.

Reflections of a fragile heart

I suppose its a bit ironic that I picked the name fragileheart and that it has stuck for so long, because in actuality I’m not that fragile at all. Sure, I get emotional but I’m not, and never will be, weak1. I’m not perfect, nor do I want to be. Perfect is boring. Making mistakes makes life exciting, though¬†that doesn’t mean I make them on purpose.

I try to live my life without regrets… as soon as I realise there is something in my life that I regret, I would prefer to do something to rectify it – even if it feels like its too late. I wasn’t always this way though. I had to learn and change my attitude before I could even begin to embrace this outlook.

There are still so many things I want to work on about myself, but I feel blessed to have gotten to where I am2 at 27. I¬†know I could have probably gotten here sooner if I wasn’t such a spoilt brat of a teen, but I don’t regret it at all. I’ve enjoyed my life thus far. I’m not rich, but I feel so lucky to have lived the life I have lived. And of course, I have my parents to thank for that.

I wouldn’t be half the person I am if it weren’t for my parents. We aren’t close in the sense that I tell my parents everything3, but we’re close in that we do a lot of things together and we enjoy each other’s company. Having been in the kind of relationship with them where I hated them and they saw me as a nuisance, I am able to appreciate what we share now.

I’m also grateful for having such a bad history with boyfriends, because if it weren’t for those relationships4 I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the amazing connection and relationship that I share with him. I also wouldn’t be able to know what it feels like when I’m on the giving end of the kind of behaviour that spells, ‘taking someone for granted’. I’m so lucky to have someone as strong5, talented, brilliant, loving and loyal man in my life… and best yet, to call him mine!

As for the things I have to work on… believe it or not, I am horrible at keeping in touch with people. I know, I know… I’m on the internet so much, how could I be bad at keeping in touch with people? Easy, they don’t blog! I’m on the internet blog surfing, for the most part, so unless you have a blog – you probably won’t hear from me. You would think that sending an email is easy enough, but apparently… it is not.

A few other things I have to work on but that I won’t get into: money management, exercising, and doing what I say I’m going to do6! I’m sure there are many more7 things, but this is all I can think of right now!

My heart may have been fragile once, but its stronger than ever now.

Thanks to everyone who gave me such warm well wishes on my birthday, you guys have no idea how positive of an impact you all make on my life and I love you all for it!

How do you grow?

Footnotes:
  1. I don’t like tooting my own horn but I feel that an important part of blogging for me is reflecting on myself and being honest with who I am[]
  2. even if I don’t have a ‘career’ to call my own yet[]
  3. I have a friend who tells her parents all her boy troubles, I don’t do that[]
  4. or lack thereofs[]
  5. in every sense of the word[]
  6. or just don’t say you’re going to to do something unless its already in the works[]
  7. smaller[]

Flickr Friday: Paws up

Paws up

Yes, its time for another cat post. For those who are new to my blog, Flickr Friday is my chosen method of showcasing my favourite photos from my flickr photostream on my blog. Today’s Flickr Friday is dedicated to my beautiful little girl, Serine. We’ve had some problems with her using the entire house as a litter box, but I think we’ve finally solved the problem.

I’m ashamed to say that the problem was me. You see, my Mum ended up cleaning her litter more often than I did because I was just plain lazy1. And I think she didn’t like that, she wanted me to go be the one in there cleaning her litter. The change was almost instantaneous, and after 3 days of consecutively using her litter tray properly we let her out of her little room2. So now, she’s roaming the house free and has been¬†my good little girl.

I was really worried for a while there because if she didn’t learn how to use her tray, I would have lost the battle against my parents to keep her. You see, we’ve all developed allergies3: My Mum was the first to get it, then me and now my Dad has developed a whooping cough that just won’t go away4. And¬†I think we can deal with just the allergies alone, but using the entire house as a litter box is just not going to cut it anymore. Now I may be speaking too soon because it’s only been a few days since she’s been out of her room but I’m hopeful.

She’s quite a bit younger in this photo, but it’s one of my favourites; it reminds me of the days when I was able to let her sleep with me in my room. How I long for those days, but my allergies would keep me up if I were to let her sleep with me now. *sigh* What’s a girl to do?

Have you ever had this problem with a pet? How did you solve it?

Footnotes:
  1. it started out as me being too busy with school, but then it turned into laziness[]
  2. oh, did I forget to mentioned my parents locked her up in a room while I was staying at the apt with the bf? My bad[]
  3. all except my brother anyway[]
  4. the dr is telling him it’s allergies, we’re assuming it’s to the cat[]