A Smile a Day

I had another post ready to go for today. I had to pull it because of reasons.

I’ve been taking a selfie a day1. [So many] Years ago, someone I admire and adore did this thing where he took a mug shot a day. I don’t recall if he posted it on twitter or whatever but I remember the project. I thought I’d do one for 2017, but it’s a smile-a-day. I missed Jan 1st because I was hungover and I had to prepare food for a pot-luck dinner but I haven’t missed a day since…except this collage is missing yesterdays because of reasons ­čśŤ

Don’t you just hate┬áreasons?

Enjoy my face! It’ll be a slideshow at the end of the year!

I’ve tried my best to take the photo with a somewhat white or plain background, or at the same time everyday but the most important rule has been: don’t miss a day so there you go. These aren’t in order of day but they will be when I compile the slideshow/video/thing.

Footnotes:
  1. that I haven’t been posting online[]

Living in dark spaces

I like low lighting; mood lighting, if you will. I like candles, and soft yellow light bulbs. I prefer the times of day when awesome shadows are cast on the ground. I dislike fluorescent, and bright white light bulbs though I don’t hate being out in the sun in the heart of the summer.

That’s real light though. What about the metaphorical light in my brain? What kind of light does my brain like to live in? When I was a teenager, it lived in a pretty dark space; a space filled with angst, anger and rebellion. I wasn’t cruel to everybody, but I wasn’t exactly afraid of conflict. During my first management role, I was called a bitch a few times1; though hindsight tells me that I was a mirror for behaviour & attitude that my so-called-friends2 would only display behind everyone else’s backs. It was a long time ago and I’ve learned a lot of lessons on how to properly treat human beings3 since then.

When I moved to Ireland, something changed. I found zen somehow. Maybe it was finally getting the love I thought I wanted. Maybe there was just something in the water4┬áin Ireland. Whatever it was, it worked and I am eternally grateful for it. Then sometime last summer, something changed. Something switched. There’s an event, there’s a person involved, but it’s a story I’d really rather not tell you. Partially because the person in question doesn’t need to know how much he changed my life for the worse, and also because I don’t even blame him for it. He didn’t do anything on purpose to hurt me. The cookie just crumbled that way.

There were also other incidents that contributed to the state that I am in. One where I don’t smile as much as I used to; where I don’t necessarily feel like being social as often as I used to; nor do I enjoy singing as much as I used to. I’m slowly making peace with the fact that maybe this is just how I am going to be from now on but that acceptance hasn’t made me want to stop trying either. While in conversation with Garret5 the other night, I came to realize that I have become more negative. It isn’t glaringly obvious, at least I don’t think it is because no one has said anything to me, but it is there.

Mind you, I’ve always “prepared for the worst and expected the best” so I didn’t notice that I was focusing the negative. Thinking about the negative possibilities of any scenario is just something I had always done. What I didn’t notice was that I no longer expected the best to happen. I expected the worst, and only saw the worst. I’ve stopped looking at the bright side. Right now, I think I have a million reasons to feel like my life sucks even though logic tells me that it doesn’t. So now, I’ve got to do something to change this way of thinking. I am tired of being sad and angry. It hurts my chest, it hurts my head.

I used to run a project called Three Smiles on Tumblr. A project that has stopped and started up again intermittently, and has been on hiatus for a while now. The idea was to think about three things that made you smile that day; three things that you were grateful for. Alex Conde even interviewed me about it. I think that now, more than ever, I need to start it up again. I don’t think I’ll be able to do Three Smiles a day like I used to – at least not right away – so I’ll start with one a day and go from there. I need this. I prefer living in sunshine.

I think the most frustrating part for me right now is knowing that I am better than this, but still being unable to turn on the sunshine in my brain and in my heart. To (re)start off this project my first smile is that I am still around to keep trying.

What are you grateful for today?

Footnotes:
  1. more than a few times[]
  2. at the time[]
  3. whether they are acting like human beings or not[]
  4. or the Guinness[]
  5. not his real name[]

Balancing act

Peek-a-boo

Balancing is tough. It’s tough to find a balance between work and life. It’s tough to find a balance between time you spend with friends versus family versus your significant other. It’s tough to find a balance between downtime and time spent being social. I haven’t spent a lot of time by myself since I moved out of my parents place last summer1. And in fact, I’m pretty sure I had not spent a lot of time by myself since I came back from living in Dublin.

I haven’t had much time to sit down and figure out why that is2, which means I haven’t really had time to figure out exactly how I feel about it. I finally went camping this year and the photo above was taken on our last morning at Silent Lake; ┬áI was disappointed with camping for so many reasons3, but the most important was that I did not get to spend time with nature4 as I so long to do right now.

I write. I like to write anyway, but a lot of my writing requires the quiet of birds chirping or only the wind whisper-howling through the rustle of leaves. But it’s difficult to get in that mindset when I barely have time to put away laundry. But I have no plans on stopping the way life has been pushing me to live; no, I’m determined to live life this way and still find my writing mind with less down time.

After all, what good would I be if I needed to hole myself out in the woods every time I wanted to write something heartfelt? I haven’t shared my poetry on the blog since I removed it from my portfolio5 but I’m thinking maybe enough time has passed that I can do that again6. I shall keep trying to find a way to have balance in my life, and if I should discover some secret to it – I promise to tell you.

How you find balance in your life?

Footnotes:
  1. and I really kind of miss it[]
  2. it’s a cycle[]
  3. we didn’t rough it as much as I was hoping to[]
  4. and myself; my thoughts[]
  5. which used to be listed on this main domain[]
  6. not right now of course, soon…[]

Thought stream

With my current, ever-growing involvement in the Twitterverse, I’ve been finding it difficult to finish a blog post. Part of this is due to the fact that I’m still observing things and getting a feel for it before I form my opinions. First impressions are that this is a great addition to my life but I do see some hurdles. Another reason is because some of the stuff I want to talk about are things that I am not sure I really want out there.

Part of it has to do with sex; people get the wrong impression when a girl starts talking about sex, especially when it involves revealing how much said person enjoys said act. But that’s only part of the story, and only part of the reason why I am reluctant to write about it. Another part of the reason involves a person who is still a puzzle to me. Albeit, a puzzle that I am more than happy to leave alone without having ever figuring him out. But talking about him on this blog and in detail could do one or both of the following: It could1 give his already enormous ego a boost and/or it could make him upset that I’m writing about his personal life2 on such a public medium.

I know the3 rules, especially when it comes to personal blogging – I shouldn’t care about all this but the fact is that I do and it is a┬ádeterrent, and at the very least it’s going to take a while to be able to write about it. At least the want is there. In the mean time, I’m trying to think of something else to talk about but apart from this heart’s4 adventures there really isn’t much else I’d be passionate about writing about.

So I’m going to open it up and let you ask me anything – you don’t have to do it in the comments, you can ask me on twitter but I will answer in a blog post.

What do you want to know?

Footnotes:
  1. would[]
  2. even though it involves me[]
  3. blogging[]
  4. mis[]