Once Upon a Time

love

Once upon a time I thought that I had my chance at true love and that I fucked it up, and that was that. I didn’t decide to think that because I wanted to be sad. I thought I was being realistic. I thought that I was just the kind of person for whom talking about important things with someone I really cared about would always be difficult. I’m happy to report that I was so very wrong.

I’m delighted to have discovered that I can actually care about someone with all my heart, hold their opinions in the highest regard and still talk about something that means the world to me without having to break down a lot of walls to get my point across. As an added bonus, I remain open to the things that matter the most to him whether or not they are things that we agree on in the first place. Of course, most of the things that matter the most to us just happen to be things that we share the same perspective on – so far1.

Sometimes you meet someone who is very similar to you, but those similarities clash with each other. I’m so lucky to have met someone who shares the kind of similarities that simply fit into the holes that have been missing in my life. All I need these days is to be with him. Which might explain why everything else in life seems to be so easy2, because nothing else matters as much.

He didn’t ride in on a white horse, he wasn’t wearing shiny armour, nor did he lay down his coat so I could walk over a puddle. He did make my heart stop when he smiled at me that first time I laid eyes on him; he listens to me and he encourages me to listen and care for myself. I’m not saying I think it’s going to be happily ever after, but I do know now why none of my other attempts ever worked out. And keeping in line with being realistic, if this doesn’t work out, at the very least I know what to look for. I know how it’s supposed to feel when the love & respect is so mutual that you literally just want to be with that person body, mind and soul. All. The. Time.

I know I say it all the time but thank you for being you. You’re the best.

Do you have a Once Upon a Time story? Do share!

Footnotes:
  1. I am a realistic dreamer[]
  2. except for making enough money to live but all in good time[]

So this is how it feels

Samuli Ikäheimo on Flickr: ilotulituspari - firework couple

It’s funny how your life can change without you noticing or even thinking twice about what is happening. I’ve been dreaming a lot since I’ve started staying over here1. They’ve been interesting dreams. The kind of dreams that make me think I watch too much television, too many movies or read too many stories. Of course, I’m well aware that there is no such thing as too much of any of that.

I’m surprised at how easy everything is. I’m even more surprised that I swoon every day. I used to think that if something was going to be this easy, that it would have to be boring. There is nothing boring about this. The inside jokes keep piling on top of each other, making my smile grow larger and larger with each day that passes.

I know it won’t always be easy. There are things that have to happen in the future that will be difficult, but they aren’t things that either of us have to worry about now. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if we found a way to make that easy too. Being on the same page with someone is easy when your priority is to remain on the same page with each other. It’s the kind of thing that makes you feel all the things. The good things, the bad things but especially the great things.

Against all my will and might, I was losing hope that I’d ever get to connect with anyone like this again. Mind you, I’d never lose hope completely because that’s just not who I am2 but it was getting pretty hard down in that rabbit hole. The sun’s out now though, and the best thing about all this is that even when it isn’t I know he’ll be there beside me, holding my hand.

Footnotes:
  1. where here is, is for me to know and you to wonder about for all your days[]
  2. eternal optimists for the win![]

Shake it out, because Life is Sweet

Borrowing a phrase from one of my favourite sirens, Florence; sometimes the best thing you can do is shake it out because it’s hard to dance with a Demon on your back. I’ve been battling with my own demons for some time now1. Some of them manifest from external sources2 but at the end of the day, my demons are my own. I’m the only one who can shut them up.

I don’t have suicidal tendencies… except that there are these moments when a part of my brain flashes images of3 about doing things that would probably kill me if I were to carry them out IRL. Things like jumping in front of the incoming train, off a bridge, out of a moving car, through a window of a condo apartment that’s high enough.

I love speed

There’s a part of me that’s an adrenaline junkie and she visualizes these things because these images. Then there’s another part of me who likes to write stories in my head. The two of then together bring me said images whether I’m in a good or bad mood. What’s fun is that I also always manage to survive said actions4; I somehow superhero my way out of dying. Because happy endings are better than sad ones.

Thankfully, I know better than to carry these fantasies out. What if one day I got so emotional, high  ((you can be high on love right?)) and/or drunk that I lose that grip on reality? It’s a scary thought but it happens. More often than it should. I’m a pretty private person5. For all the things that I vocalize through social media and to my closest friends, I have at least 10 other thoughts I keep to myself6. I doubt I’m the only one who goes through this.

It’s hard for me to admit when I’m depressed. I hate feeling sorry for myself; almost as much as I hate feeling other people’s pity for me. There were far too many days this past Autumn when I would wake up to a gorgeous sunny day and all I wanted to do was block my windows from the sun and go back to sleep.

I’m not sure what else to say right now. It’s really hard to admit that.

The thing I find most puzzling is that this past summer had been one of the best summers I can remember. That’s all I’m really willing to say about it for now though. I just know that I still feel off most days. I still don’t feel like myself but at least now I feel like I’m slipping into someone new7 with a little more ease. When I get to a point when I can look back at all this and smile, I can’t wait for the day I can thank the catalyst8.

I had to come to terms with the fact that I let things affect me whether I want to admit it or not. I used to deny myself the ability to feel something if I think it’s going to negatively affect someone else. I still do that, but I am getting better at finding the balance between taking care of myself and taking care of everyone else around me instead. It isn’t easy fighting yourself to change for the better but I think I’m doing an decent job. So, I wanted to talk about it because whether I know it or not, there may be someone out there who needs to read this.

Partners for Mental Health held Let’s Call BullS#!T in January and I’m happy to see that wasn’t the end of the conversation surrounding Mental Illness. I wanted to share these thoughts in support of someone I adore immensely, who is doing something very brave9 in honour of her late Mother’s memory.

Ashley Gibson: Life Is Sweet

Ashley Gibson is a fascinating creature who I’m honoured to call a friend. Ashley’s Solo Cabaret, Life is Sweet, is happening at the Flying Beaver Pubaret this Friday, February 22nd at 9:30pm. Door proceeds are being donated to the CAMH Foundation but the show is sold-out; However, she is also accepting donations through the CAMH website.

“Every February I am faced with a bleak, cold month in Toronto with my mother’s death anniversary on February 24th to top it all off. For the last couple of years I’ve made concerted efforts to do something nice for myself on that day to make it easier to cope and to honour her. This year I decided to create something that has been rumbling in my soul for a long time. On February 22nd I will be performing ‘Life is Sweet, Even in February’ to honour my mother. The show will feature a range of songs that she enjoyed and songs that remind me of her alongside stories of her life, our time together, the impact of her mental illness, and my journey through healing after her death.” – Ashley Gibson

I have been lucky: no one that close to me has ever taken their own life; nor have I ever witnessed it happen. The thing is, I never want to. No one should ever have to see that happen. No one should ever feel like it’s the only way out. We can’t predict when that’s going to happen or for whom. There is no magic pill that’s going solve the problem, but conversation goes a long way towards helping spread the sentiment10 that they’re not alone.

And at the end of the day, isn’t that what we all want? To be Forever Not Alone?

Footnotes:
  1. something like the last year and  half[]
  2. like other people[]
  3. i.e. fantasizes[]
  4. in my fantasies[]
  5. insert your shocked reaction here[]
  6. on a slow day[]
  7. and actually, better[]
  8. yeah, not telling[]
  9. as she does[]
  10. whether they want the reminder or not[]

So You Didn’t Get Kissed at Midnight

Will I ever love again? It’s a question that has been on my mind for a while now. It’s the question that led me to go on my mancation1.

The honest answer right now is: I simply don’t know.

I find myself avoiding thinking about things that have happened2. It’s unlike me. The moniker fragileheart wasn’t coined because I wanted people to walk on eggshells with me. It’s supposed to remind me that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that I like to feel things because it makes me feel alive. Finding myself running away from memories that make me smile is a little unnerving.

I don’t think I know how to be in a relationship. It’s been so long since I’ve been in a real relationship that I don’t know that I’ll ever manage to maintain one again. My last real, meaningful, mutually respectful relationship ended in 2004. Everything else after that I consider a mess. Yes, even my relationship with the Irish boy3.

Then again, I’ve gotten better at maintaining deeper and more meaningful friendships and I think that every good relationship is built on a solid foundation of friendship so maybe there’s hope for me yet.

Oh whatever. Maybe you4 were right; what was it that you said, sir? Something along the lines of, “You’d make a great mistress [but not a wife]”. And yes, I still think about it to this day.

Sometimes, you just need to blog things out loud.

Footnotes:
  1. vacation from men, and more importantly – meaningless sex[]
  2. like NYE[]
  3. that was probably the biggest mess[]
  4. I do not even know if you read my blog[]