So this is how it feels

Samuli Ikäheimo on Flickr: ilotulituspari - firework couple

It’s funny how your life can change without you noticing or even thinking twice about what is happening. I’ve been dreaming a lot since I’ve started staying over here1. They’ve been interesting dreams. The kind of dreams that make me think I watch too much television, too many movies or read too many stories. Of course, I’m well aware that there is no such thing as too much of any of that.

I’m surprised at how easy everything is. I’m even more surprised that I swoon every day. I used to think that if something was going to be this easy, that it would have to be boring. There is nothing boring about this. The inside jokes keep piling on top of each other, making my smile grow larger and larger with each day that passes.

I know it won’t always be easy. There are things that have to happen in the future that will be difficult, but they aren’t things that either of us have to worry about now. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if we found a way to make that easy too. Being on the same page with someone is easy when your priority is to remain on the same page with each other. It’s the kind of thing that makes you feel all the things. The good things, the bad things but especially the great things.

Against all my will and might, I was losing hope that I’d ever get to connect with anyone like this again. Mind you, I’d never lose hope completely because that’s just not who I am2 but it was getting pretty hard down in that rabbit hole. The sun’s out now though, and the best thing about all this is that even when it isn’t I know he’ll be there beside me, holding my hand.

Footnotes:
  1. where here is, is for me to know and you to wonder about for all your days[]
  2. eternal optimists for the win![]

Because sometimes you just have to blog things out loud

I’ve experienced rejection. In fact, I’d like to say I experience rejection on a daily basis because I ask for things even if I’m afraid to ask for them1. But this one rejection has shaken me to my core… and I can’t figure out why.

Logic would tell me that based on his actions that contradict the words he used means that he isn’t the person I thought he was and should be written off. But another line of logic tells me that the person I thought he was would have a reasonable explanation for his actions2. And so I get stuck in this loop.

If he was the good person that I thought he was: the person who would only do something because he thinks it is the most respectful way of treating me then that means I am not a worthy person. But I know that I am a worthy person. That means that he isn’t the good person that I thought he was. And I don’t like writing people off that easily. I think it’s rude. I don’t think he has done anything to intentionally hurt me and so it doesn’t warrant my being rude.

But continuing to believe that he is as good a person as I thought he was hurts me on a level I have no experience with. I’m dealing with it but it’s going to take a lot of time. Time that I feel I could have saved if he had respected me in the first place and just told me the truth: either he never wanted to be friends or he just can’t handle being friends with me right now. If he did tell me the latter, I didn’t understand him clearly enough. But I’m not going to reach out again so I’ll never know.

There is so much more going on that I want to write about but I’ve run out of time. I’m off to see 50/50 with the lovely Ashley Gibson.

Oh but quickly before I go: Thank you so much to the smoking hot Raymi for the shout-out on her blog. I feel like I’m on fire 😉

Also, did you know that I love Christine Estima <3

Footnotes:
  1. to some of you this will come as a complete shock because to you it won’t appear like I ask for much at all but believe me that I do[]
  2. or lack thereof[]

A long day ends with some retrospection

You know, it has been one heck of a wild ride. I would be more specific but I am not sure I can see when said ride began anymore -it was that long of a ride1!

Two years ago a very big chapter of my life ended. I wasn’t sure what to expect and I’m not so sure that the last two years is something I could have predicted. What it comes down to is that I know I’m ready to try my hand at a monogamous relationship again. As a bonus I’m also now in a headspace where I don’t feel an urgent need to find it2.

The last guy3, was unexpectedly spectacular but in retrospect he had many personality traits that I was overlooking. I get why his gut feeling was telling him that we weren’t that compatible; to be honest I think he would have driven me crazier than he already did in the oh-so-brief-but-freaking-intense romance that we shared. It still stings a little to think about so I know I’m not ready to have him in my life just yet… I just hope that I actually can one day4.

Then there is the other one. The one who really shook me up two years ago; wanting to make friends… wanting to re-connect. I don’t think I’m ready and to be completely honest, I’m not so sure I will ever be. Yes, I am the type of person who can forgive and forget anything but there is a certain comfort level that I need to have with the people I keep close to me ((What I’m trying not to say is that I simply need to be able to trust a person and I don’t think I can ever trust him again)).

Sigh. Boys5. I don’t even know what to say sometimes. Do you ever stop to think about what you’re saying to us women? I mean, if you were a father and some boy were saying the same things to your daughter -how would you feel? Enraged, I’m sure. Yet you don’t have a problem saying it to a girl you barely know or talk to? JUST because she’s nice and open minded? I’m pretty sure that is balls.

And I’m apartment hunting again. I really hope this is the last time for at least 2 years. After that I’m hoping any move I make is either to another city or… space? 😉

Making the effort to talk to my parents daily and/or see them more often seems to be helping things despite my obliviousness to the fact that said things needed help.

I need more time to think… but I should also get some sleep. Meep.

Footnotes:
  1. Don’t get excited, I’m not about to tell you either…[]
  2. at least not anymore… though I can’t quite explain why so I’m tempted to think that I’m in denial about it but only time will tell[]
  3. who some of you know about[]
  4. and hopefully soon[]
  5. You can’t tell but I had to close my eyes and breathe for 15 seconds before I could continue writing[]

Happy Love Day!

Oh Valentine’s Day. The last of the holidays that could make you feel like absolute crap if you let it. There is no wonder that March 1st 2009 was like my own personal New Year.

Love; companionship; having someone understand you; having someone who wants you around or thinks about you all the time. Some of these could be argued to be dependence rather than love.. I’m not interested in hashing out that debate.

Being “in love” and having the butterflies in your stomach that make you smile when the rest of your day or world seems like hell. Love is a drug. And like any drug it can be addictive. It’s effect also fades over time as your body becomes accustomed to having the flowing through your blood stream. How do you keep it alive? There is no easy answer; each couple or situation will have a different solution that will work for them. There is no easy formula.

On the eve of this feel-good holiday I find myself having a weak moment. I’ll be honest and say that I miss having someone make a romantic gesture to get my attention. Being single and having my independence is great but I’ll be honest that all these valentine’s day themed shows and whatever else have me missing being the metaphorical apple of someone’s eye1.

What it boils down to is that I am a hopeless romantic and with all that I’ve gone through in the last six years, it’s going to take a hell of a lot more than… well.. just a lot more that it used to. Not that I’m about to change my name or anything but I think this fragile heart just got a bit harder2.

How does Valentine’s Day make you feel? Does it make you feel every bit as hopeful as this video below? Or does it make you want to hurt people?

Footnotes:
  1. No need to feel bad for me though k? I’m just being honest about my feelings. I’ll be over it before this post publishes[]
  2. don’t worry, this hopeless romantic still believes that there will be a happily ever after out there for me[]