I had another post ready to go for today. I had to pull it because of reasons.
I’ve been taking a selfie a day1. [So many] Years ago, someone I admire and adore did this thing where he took a mug shot a day. I don’t recall if he posted it on twitter or whatever but I remember the project. I thought I’d do one for 2017, but it’s a smile-a-day. I missed Jan 1st because I was hungover and I had to prepare food for a pot-luck dinner but I haven’t missed a day since…except this collage is missing yesterdays because of reasons 😛
Don’t you just hate reasons?
I’ve tried my best to take the photo with a somewhat white or plain background, or at the same time everyday but the most important rule has been: don’t miss a day so there you go. These aren’t in order of day but they will be when I compile the slideshow/video/thing.
If i ever stop and think about everything I’ve been through, I almost can’t believe just how much of it has really happened. I often wonder how it is that I keep going as if I have never failed before. And yet, I’ve been told time and time again that I need to stop being so insecure. It’s such a funny thing. I despise cockiness, and entitlement and try my best not to fall into either characteristic1.
Five years ago, I was moving into a beautiful house in the Junction Triangle and leaving a job I absolutely loved due to a series of unfortunate circumstances2. It was a two-bedroom first-floor-of-a-fully-detached-house apartment, with gorgeous french doors between the living room and the office3, an enormous kitchen, bathroom and backyard. I loved that house. I was just beginning my journey as a freelancer4. Which, I’d like to think I’ve gotten really good at but my still-almost-always-near-empty bank account tells me that I have a LOT more work to do to really get better at it. I also thought I was finally healed after a horrendous betrayal by a lover5. I would later learn that the scars from that betrayal weren’t actually healed, I was merely self-medicating extremely efficiently and masking the pain. A lot has actually happened between now and then, but to be honest, I can’t say that my life feels that much different than it did back then.
I certainly feel like a different person: I’m more confident; I give less fucks. There are things I’m unhappy about, but I’ve been trying something6 since January that I hope will finally make the difference. I also feel like I’m getting more cynical, and honestly, I don’t like it. I’ve always cared about people – whether they were close friends, or acquaintances – as if they were the most precious people on the planet and I genuinely believed that about each and everyone of them. I’m finding my ability to feel that way waning, and it’s honestly breaking my heart. I believe this is the result of the work I’ve been doing to practice better emotional first-aid, and self-care. I refuse to believe that this shift is permanent, however. I think that maybe this is just an exercise in self-preservation. I’m sure I’ll be back to my slightly-naive, ever-optimistic, caring-sharing-lovey-dovey self soon enough.
Either that, or I’ve finally actually grown up and I’m going to take even less of your bullshit than I ever used to 😉
I doubt that I’ve been 100% successful, but I would like to think that I’m successful most of the time[↩]
i.e. bed bugs, and some irresponsibility on my part[↩]