Happy Love Day!

This day. Sigh. I’ve got big plans for today, and they’re all about me. I’ve never spent this much time being this selfish. In the past when this day hit, and I was single I’d be spending all of my energy, time and money on trying to make my friends feel good but as I’ve said in a post that I haven’t quite published yet1, I left all my fucks with 34 year old me.

It’s easy to have a lot of feels on a day like today, when you’re someone who has a lot of feels in general. I’ve been numbing myself with work, work and more work2, and it’s been really great… but then you come across something like this post from Humans of NY, and you can’t help but call yourself out on your own bullshit.

This guy made me realize that I’ve been so lucky. So fucking lucky to have fallen in love as many times as I have, and to have had almost as many people fall in love with me. It doesn’t matter that they didn’t last. At least today, I won’t worry about that. Today I’ll celebrate the fact that I have ever felt that love at all because it could honestly be worse: I could be 35 years old, and have never felt movie-love like I have so, very, many times before.

(Rosario, Argentina)

“I’m thirty-four and I haven’t felt real love yet. Sometimes I think: ‘Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’ll never get to that point.’ I’ve had a couple of relationships. But a woman has never really made me feel jealous. And I’ve never felt that I would do anything to be with another person. I’ve read about real love in books, and seen it in movies, but I’ve never felt it. Like in the Titanic movie– they are trying so hard to be together. That is hard for me to understand. I’m not sure what that would feel like. There is one movie with Winona Ryder where she is about to join a monastery, but then she meets a gardener, and she kisses him, and suddenly she feels real love. I’m not sure what love feels like. But I’m guessing I’ll know when I feel it. Like Winona Ryder knew.”
Humans of NY

I’m also lucky to feel as amazing as I feel these days. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t change. The old me would still be sulking about my last big break-up, and holding on to god-knows-what as if holding on to the pain was the only way to prove that my love was real3. It serves no one. Get up. Stay up. But it’s also okay to fall and feel sad sometimes; don’t beat yourself up if that happens.

There is a part of me that is terrified of falling in love with someone new. I always manage to find someone amazing when I feel this good, only to inevitably realize that my wounds weren’t healed enough just as I really start to feel something for that person… and then it all goes to shit. I worry that my old pattern will simply repeat. I know what I need to do4, but that doesn’t make the act of doing it any easier when you’re in the moment and all your emotions are drowning you.

Anyway, there’s no sense in worrying about that now. This is the present. And today, I get to do some of my favourite things that I am going to keep private because I can. Just know that each moment of this day is going to bring me pure joy.

What are you doing to treat yourself today?


  1. how’s that for a teaser?[]
  2. don’t worry, I’m still having fun.. just not the kind I really want to be having but that’s for another post[]
  3. awh bless[]
  4. trust that I’ll be able to take the space I need to centre myself[]

Love a [fragile]Heart, again!

Love a Heart 2012: The Bachelorettes

It’s February1. You know what that means, right? It’s Heart Month. I’m not going to lie. I was looking forward to it this year. I had a great time last year2 and I know this year will be even better.

Last year, a date with me meant dinner at Fresh & a sexy Yoga class at the Ritz Carlton. Are you wondering what date package will be in my envelope this year? I’d love to tell you before the event, but I’d have to kill you3.

If you haven’t heard about Love a Heart, it’s a fun evening filled with lots of handsome men & women who have donated their time for a great cause. Shannon Hunter started the charity auction in 2011 and has raised $21,000 already; she hopes to bring the amount to $30,000 after the event on Thursday4. You can check out full details on Facebook or you can buy tickets here.

Love a Heart 2013

If you’ve been to Love a Heart in previous years, there have been quite a few changes. Changes you’ll have to attend to discover, of course. I can’t give you all the answers!

No one answered me last year, so I want to ask again: What’s your favourite date activity?

  1. just in case you failed to notice[]
  2. despite being full of anxious thoughts about not being worthy of being up on stage with such stellar women[]
  3. jokes on you, I don’t actually know[]
  4. February 14th[]

Happy Love Day!

Oh Valentine’s Day. The last of the holidays that could make you feel like absolute crap if you let it. There is no wonder that March 1st 2009 was like my own personal New Year.

Love; companionship; having someone understand you; having someone who wants you around or thinks about you all the time. Some of these could be argued to be dependence rather than love.. I’m not interested in hashing out that debate.

Being “in love” and having the butterflies in your stomach that make you smile when the rest of your day or world seems like hell. Love is a drug. And like any drug it can be addictive. It’s effect also fades over time as your body becomes accustomed to having the flowing through your blood stream. How do you keep it alive? There is no easy answer; each couple or situation will have a different solution that will work for them. There is no easy formula.

On the eve of this feel-good holiday I find myself having a weak moment. I’ll be honest and say that I miss having someone make a romantic gesture to get my attention. Being single and having my independence is great but I’ll be honest that all these valentine’s day themed shows and whatever else have me missing being the metaphorical apple of someone’s eye1.

What it boils down to is that I am a hopeless romantic and with all that I’ve gone through in the last six years, it’s going to take a hell of a lot more than… well.. just a lot more that it used to. Not that I’m about to change my name or anything but I think this fragile heart just got a bit harder2.

How does Valentine’s Day make you feel? Does it make you feel every bit as hopeful as this video below? Or does it make you want to hurt people?

  1. No need to feel bad for me though k? I’m just being honest about my feelings. I’ll be over it before this post publishes[]
  2. don’t worry, this hopeless romantic still believes that there will be a happily ever after out there for me[]

Named days, and why I need them

Call me a sucker for days that are assigned to celebrate something in particular. Maybe it”s because I like keeping a schedule. Maybe it’s because I’m too lazy or busy to do it on any random day. But I like celebrating love on Valentine’s Day and I like celebrating family on Family Day. And you better believe I’m going to have myself some pancakes on Shrove Tuesday and that I will refrain from meat on Ash Wednesday.

It’s not like I don’t celebrate my family any other day of the year – but I like the idea that there’s a day when it’s not cheesy or corny or overly emotional to do so. There”s a line in the new movie, “Valentine’s Day” that Reed (played by Ashton Kutcher) says something like, “I love Valentine”s Day. I can be as corny and be as crazy in love as I want and no one is going to think I”m crazy because everyone is in love on Valentine”s Day!”. That”s how I feel about Valentine’s Day. Because I love to love. I”m not going to deny it, I do. I”ve always loved being in love but that hasn’t helped me have a successful relationship… so I’m putting that on hold (sort of). But that”s not what this post is about.

My last post wasn’t a cry for help like my pre-Christmas post was; I was just… trying to let go of some of the emotions I was feeling about Valentine’s Day. I actually had a pretty good weekend thanks to great friends and family (and a certain someone else who made me smile on several occasions this weekend).

The thing is, I like the idea that there is one day that a large percentage of the population mentally and emotionally come together to celebrate something as wonderful as love. Yes, couples can celebrate their love any (and hopefully every) day of the year… but there is something magical that happens when seemingly everyone around you celebrates their love with you (but not literally of course) – imagine applying an exponent to love… and that exponent, when the love is celebrated with the right person is ?.

“…And love. Love above all. No… not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that… over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable – like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love – like there has never been in a play.”
— Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love.

Happy Family Day!