When change hurts

It has been a journey to say the least. The last few months have been a wonderful whirlwind of ups, downs and important lessons and realizations. I think the one lesson that I didn’t expect to learn after all this is that despite being able to adapt to my surroundings extremely well -how much my bearings are affected if I don’t have a proper place to sleep.

For the last three months I have been sleeping on my Ikea love-seat because I couldn’t sleep on my bed1 until three nights ago. Depending on what way you look at it, you could say it cost me a lot but I don’t think placing blame on circumstance does me any good so it just is what it was: a learning experience. Heck, it didn’t kill me right?

30 years. As of some time in the late evening on November 7th, the cells and whatever spirit that make up this girl right here would have been alive for 30 years. I’ll admit there is a part of me that feels like a bit of a disappointment but then there’s another part of me that knows that my life is only just beginning so long as I allow myself the chance at said beginning.

Live each day as if it were your last. Someone great said that to me recently as we were walking the 6.5kms to my new home2 at 4am. By the way, don’t let the knowledge of this act taint your image of bohunkCA; he was the perfect jerk as always – and yes ladies, he was totally topless the whole way there 😉

I want to make an art out of living life, where I find joy in every little moment of every day – regardless of what is going on at the time. Growing up, I had never really paid much attention to the things that really made my heart soar. I knew the obvious things like music3, food, love, and sex… all those self-indulgent sort of things. But now I’m paying more attention to how happy it makes me to be around people like my family and closest friends4.

I know I have lot of work to do up ahead of me but I do think I am up to the task. It feels strange to say that I have never really felt this ready before but I guess I’m just done being afraid. I’m still in the process of getting my life back but I have no doubt that whatever is coming next is going to be amazing. It’s been amazing even when it should have been horrible so how could it not?!

I want to know though: did you love or hate turning 30?

Footnotes:
  1. I really don’t want to say it, don’t make me say it: I had bed bugs[]
  2. it was so old school I couldn’t resist but agree to walk home with him[]
  3. specifically singing[]
  4. the ones who have stuck by me no matter what fucked up shit I’ve done – you know who you are[]

Uncertainty, muddled beliefs and the benefits of doubt

I have always maintained that everyone deserves love1 but I am suddenly finding myself leaning towards the cynical side of life philosophy these days. It’s unnerving but also difficult to shake. I’ve had a lot of bad shit happen to me2 but I have always been able to bounce back into hope. Hope that things will always get better; hope that things always work out for a reason; hope that if you want something bad enough you’ll get it; hope that everyone deserves the best3.

Cynics4 would call me naive in thinking all that but all the ‘pain’ I’ve experienced in my life has been accompanied by amazing life lessons, experiences and memories that I would not trade for anything -no, not even a happy ending. Why? Because who’s to say what happy ending that would have been, and who’s to say it would have actually lasted? I almost had my so-called happy ending, at least according to some, but it didn’t happen because it wasn’t right for me.

Hope would have me believe that the reason it didn’t happen was precisely because it wasn’t right for me; this other side that is creeping into my life philosophy is telling me that I wouldn’t know because it didn’t happen -except that I do know. And so the battle goes. This weekend I witnessed5 some ridiculous behaviour by people. I say people because women are every bit as guilty of bullshit as women are. Yes, I include myself in this. It’s because we don’t know what we want; and if we do know what we want there’s no guarantee that what we want will remain the same for any given length of time.

And to top it off for the most part we are ashamed to admit that we don’t know what we want. Maybe we’re not ashamed; maybe we’re unsure of how to express it; maybe we’re unsure of how it will be received; maybe we don’t even realize that we’re doing someone else’s head in; maybe, maybe, maybe… whatever the reason the truth is that when it comes to emotions and/or sexuality6 our brains don’t function quite the same.

Going back to said bullshit, I should probably elaborate for curiousity’s sake but that’s just not how this goes so you’ll have to take my word for it and understand that the main thing is that there was disrespect displayed7 displayed in several unrelated scenarios that has compounded and made me question my entire belief system. Maybe I’m speaking too soon8 but if this keeps up I may just become a cynic.

I want to try. I want to be stronger than that; I don’t want to give in to the dark side but right now I just don’t think I have enough fight left in me.

I don’t have any questions today9.

Footnotes:
  1. don’t worry I still do – mostly[]
  2. once again I say: hence the name fragileheart[]
  3. and gets it[]
  4. they call themselves realistic; side note part two: I’m starting to believe them[]
  5. and unfortunately was party to[]
  6. as much as we try to convince ourselves, these are not mutually exclusive – try to argue with me all you want you ain’t convincing this chickidee[]
  7. and that I am, regrettably, not innocent[]
  8. and heavens-to-Betsy I freakin’ hope so[]
  9. at least not ones I care to ask here[]

Cancer Can’t Dance Like This

I had heard about Daniel Stolfi from my good friends over at Riverlife Productions last year but I had not been able to catch his show until this week. Dan is extremely charming, engaging and very easy to watch & listen to. Sadly, some of what he covered in his show were not new to me; my Grandfather died of Prostate Cancer and I have met and continue to meet people who have been affected by this horrible disease every year that I volunteer at the Terry Fox Run1; What was refreshing was his candor.

In the past, when I have spoken to people about their experience with Cancer, they prefer to talk about how the experience changed them. They don’t want to talk about their hardship in detail. But I think that sometimes talking about the negative experiences can help others learn before they have to go through it themselves. And as Dan ran through the parts of himself that he loved and lost2, I couldn’t help but wonder if I would be able to be as strong. But Dan is, strong enough to turn his hardest moments into something entertaining for people to watch yet still deals with some very hard moments. Even as I read the synopsis on his website for the first time last year, despite all my3 experience, I was taken aback at the thought of having to deal with the loss of five4 of my most treasured activities. I’m sure once you see the show, you’ll be thanking your lucky stars too that he made it through to show us all a thing or two about courage.

Hilarious but poignant, I couldn’t help but fall a little bit for this talented Canadian-born, Italian Actor & Comedian who is making sure cancer knows he has not only won the fight, but he’ll continue to win it. I am so glad I was able to catch a performance of ‘Cancer Can’t Dance Like This‘, and if you haven’t already you should go to eventbrite now to buy your tickets! The show has been running and is playing at the Pia Bouman Theatre (6 Noble St) tonight at 8:30pm, Saturday5 at 2:30 pm & at 8:30 pm!

Footnotes:
  1. since 2002[]
  2. and still continue to fight to get back[]
  3. so-called[]
  4. FIVE[]
  5. that’s tomorrow[]

When all you feel is blue

Sometimes you just have to force yourself to leave the house. Sometimes forcing yourself to do things you would really rather not be doing is the one thing that can make you feel better. Even if ‘feeling better’ only really means that you’re ignoring the problem; as long as it puts a smile on your face, I think it’s acceptable.

I have found myself in an interesting situation and I don’t know what to do. I was in hibernation over the holidays, mostly because of all this and partially because I felt the need to disconnect. Of course I didn’t disconnect completely; I still visited sites and answered tweets or messages that I got (for the most part) but I didn’t post anything. I barely even read what others had to say.

I had so much going on in my head1 that I just couldn’t take anymore information. But once I woke up on Monday, it was like a huge cloud had been lifted and I began to see things with some clarity. Though it has gotten easier to deal with things, I still feel empty in the mornings. I’m sure it’ll get easier to deal with too, but I’m not sure I want to. Sometimes, I’m not sure it’s worth it.

This weekend, even though I was really not in the mood, I decided to make plans with people. Including going over to my parents’ place on Friday night. What a fun night that turned out to be. We had just finished dinner and I had the urge to play board games but they only had Bingo… so we played. Such fun! I even won $3!

When that was done, I noticed we were all still lingering around the dinner table so I suggested we play rockband in my brother’s room in the basement. They were apprehensive at first, and when we started to play my Dad was having trouble with the drums but he persevered2 and came out doing quite well! We played until 1am!

I got home and didn’t feel empty when I looked at my bed for once, and that can only be a good thing. Even if I was only temporarily distracted from my feelings.

How do you deal with negative feelings? Do you face them head on or ignore them?

Footnotes:
  1. I still do[]
  2. making me love him even more[]