Manifest

The view from my balcony is always breathtaking. I feel very lucky to live here.

Earlier this summer, I had the pleasure of attending Camp Reset. If you’ve never heard of Camp Reset, you should really head over to the site to read more about it. It is life changing for many people who attend. I have to be honest, it wasn’t life changing for me… it was something better: life-affirming. I had been working on shaping my life using similar philosophies to that which can be found at Camp Reset and it was so wonderful to see it in action.

For far too long in my life, I’ve lived in worry and fear. I had convinced myself that I needed to worry about something or the worst possible outcome would surely come true. How naive was I? I have to admit that when I started the endeavour to eliminate worry, anxiety and fear from my life earlier this year, I had no idea what I was doing1. I had no idea whether simply pushing it away in those moments when I was too weak to face said fear/worry/anxiety would have the same effect as properly dealing with all those thoughts and emotions… but I must have done something right because I feel like I have been rewarded for all my hard work and patience. I think the key is to take the time to face those fears, hold them in your hand/mind/heart2, let them bring about all the emotions that they are going to bring out and then let them go. I won’t pretend to know if this will work for you, but I know that every time I have done it I have felt so fucking free.

Life is better than it could ever be, and yes, part of that has to do with the fact that I met someone amazing who I can call my partner and best friend. Before meeting him though, life had been pretty good already. It was a huge relief not to worry about every little stupid thing I might have said or forgotten to say to someone. It has been a huge relief to be able to own my choices and to not apologize for anything3, and to only take responsibility for what I am capable of controlling – my actions, and not someone else’s reactions to my actions.

This shift in my attitude helped me see the beauty in life no matter what I was going through. There was a lot of pain I had to process from my last two relationships4, and it would have been really easy to fall back into a depression. The shift made it so I could still enjoy my life, and only have moments when I needed to hole up myself up in my room, shut the curtains and all the lights and just cry into a couple5 glasses of bourbon. I’m happy to admit that those dark moments only needed said outlet every 3-6 months in the last year and a bit that I spent trying to fix or figure out all of that.

And now? Now, I’m free to enjoy the swooning that comes with a new romance that has begun with a ferocity I’ve only ever seen in the movies. We know we’re not perfect, but we seem to be perfect for each other, and most importantly we-talk-about-everything. Actually, perhaps even more critical is the fact that I don’t seem to have to say very much to him at all – I can say a few words, and he knows exactly what I am trying to say; no need for long explanations or anecdotes. Though we enjoy those at times as well.

Before I met him, I had been on the dating apps again for a few months. I had been on dates. I was even seeing someone (very) casually. They were all toads. Every single one of them. I like toads, don’t get me wrong. They’re cute in their own right but they’re flighty – and don’t leave any notes once they’re gone. All the while, I was ready to give up. Almost. I decided to employ the same attitude I had given to the rest of my life: don’t give a fuck, and just focus on what you can control. I could only control my attitude and how I approached each ‘date’ I went on. Remain in the positive.

How was I going to meet someone amazing if my attitude was less than so? So I focused on thinking about the kind of person I wanted to meet – kind, sweet, romantic, funny6, intelligent, hard-working, active, true (to their word), trustworthy, dependable, confident, generous and so-fucking-hot7…I could go on but I think I’ve made my point. I almost feel like Sandra Bullock’s character (Sally) in Practical Magic after she tore up her wishlist and was gifted with Aidan Quinn’s character (Gary)… minus the actual magical capabilities8. We are crazy about each other, are on the same page about what we want, and how we want to spend our time, and we talk about everything… soul-fucking-mates.

I know it doesn’t sound like it but I do try not to get too carried away… we are still brand new. There is a lot we have yet to learn about each other. I know better than to think we know everything about each other by now. My last relationship taught me that: no matter how well you think you know someone because you’ve spent almost every day together for a month, they can still shock you and show you their true colours. I have no red flags like I have with every other new start – mind you – nothing to make me think something similar is going to happen with Troy9, but I also know I need to protect my heart until I can really be sure. That will only come with time, however, I am extremely confident I have nothing to fear with this one.

What does that have to do with the title of this blog post? Just this: Believe that you deserve the life you want, and you will have it. Yes, you have to put in the work but you also have to believe it will happen or all your work will be for naught.

Footnotes:
  1. here’s a hint: for the most part, I still don’t[]
  2. whatever suits you best[]
  3. given I wasn’t actually hurting anyone[]
  4. both of which went horribly wrong[]
  5. okay, maybe four[]
  6. fucking hilarious actually[]
  7. that last one is NOT a joke[]
  8. though a girl can dream[]
  9. so not his real name[]

Don’t let the door hit you on your way out, 2013!

Well, I guess that’s it. Isn’t it? This year is finally behind us. I’ve never looked forward for a year to end so much as I have this year. This year was the worst year out of all the years of life. And yet a lot of wonderful things happened1; I guess it just goes to show that there is always good that will come out of a bad situation. I just wish there had been more good this year than bad.

The things I wish to never forget about 2013:

1. That time I was in the pilot episode of a reality TV show called, Come Date With Me on the W Network.

Still from Come Date With Me Canada

2. Being auctioned off at Love a Heart2. Photo credit: Chris Luckhardt.

Facebook Events | Love a Heart

3. Stage Managing for Canadian Music Week and meeting #LeBeau, Garret3.

Canadian Music Week Stage Manager

4. Stage Managing for North By North East and meeting Sloan. Sorry no pictures.
5. Getting a brand new family member, Drogo.

Drogo Sy!

6. Having a custom vine made just for me by Cyrstal Light Canada.

Facebook | Crystal Light Canada | Weird & Wonderful You

7. Assistant Stage Managing for Pride and getting to meet and work with En Vogue.

En Vogue at Pride 2013

8. Going to Cunt Cottage and having an amazing weekend away from the city.

http://fragileheart.com/wp-content/uploads/cunt-cottage.jpg

9. Working for TIFF and getting to see some stars up-close-and-personal-like. No pictures, because I want to be able to work there again in 2014.
10. Going on a boat cruise with Shannon & the gang courtesy of Crazy Uncle. No pictures because I have no idea what I did with the pictures from that cruise. Oops.
11. Volunteering for TEDxToronto4.

TEDxToronto 2013

12. Being in a feature film that won an award at TOIndieFF2013, was part of the official selection at DIFF2013 and reviewed here.

Unhappy Happy Still
13. Working on the 48 hour film project where our team won Best Ensemble Cast.

Hashtag Bougie Productions

13. Meeting and falling in love with #LeBeau’s two daughters5. No pictures, of course. They’re too wittle.
14. Celebrating Christmas with our families and getting 2nd Christmas with the girls. Also no pictures, because I’m a spoil sport like that.
15. Being able to celeberate my birthday & the holidays with some really awesome friends. Again; no pictures, because we didn’t take a group photo and there are too many great ones to choose from.
16. Getting to keep in touch with my wifey, Christine Estima even though she’s a gazillion miles away.

Skyping with the Wifey

Last but not least…
17. Getting to do this fun photoshoot for Ford Canada with the ever-sexy, Ford Fiesta, Marie & Brock.

Date Night with the Ford Fiesta

Shopping fun with Marie & the Ford Fiesta

I’m not at all interested in re-living the past that was this horrible year, so I won’t go into any details about it. I would rather look forward with hope and excitement for what 2014 might have to bring. I can only hope that it’ll be a good year because if my own personal history has taught me anything 2015 is set to be another doozy. You see, there’s something about years that end in zeros and fives – they don’t like me very much. I had a terrible 1995, I can’t say 2000 was any better, 2005 was horrible, 2010 was another nightmare year… mind you, they were all bad for heartbreak but not much else.

Anyway, that’s a whole 365 days away. For now, here’s hoping that in 2014, I…:

  • …no longer have to worry about how I’m going to pay for groceries or laundry.
  • …can actually afford to meet up with friends at least once a week.
  • …find the energy to get off my ass and start exercising again.
  • …will visit my parents and cook for them more often.
  • …will stop worrying about things that I really have no control over.
  • …can reconnect with some old friends who I miss but have drifted away from, for no good reason. And stay connected.
  • …get to go camping twice – once with the family, and once with the man and/or friends.
  • …get to visit somewhere I have never been.
  • …write more for this blog.
  • …learn how to make a Filipino dish I have never made before, but love to eat.

And that’s about it. I had a longer list but I’ve cut it down some in an attempt to be a little more realistic with my resolutions. I didn’t make any resolutions for 2013 because at this age, I’m kind of over them. Since 2013 was such a bad year though, I needed some things to look forward to. And these are some of the more important things I’m looking forward to for this New Year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

What are you looking forward to in 2014?

Footnotes:
  1. I met Garret this year after all[]
  2. an annual favourite[]
  3. Nope. Not his real name[]
  4. another annual favourite[]
  5. and finally having children in my life. wee![]