I wrote this a while ago (Mar 12), but I needed to keep it private. Now, I’m ok with sharing it.
Sleep; that is something I have not had much of this week. I wish I could tell you there was good reason for it. Frankly, it had a lot to do with a boy and a little to do with very full plate. The boy, has been the boy I wrote such great things about here, and here. The boy is no longer in the picture. The boy is no longer that great. That is all I am really willing to say. Ok I lied.
Still, I listen to a great piece of music and think of him. Still, I am in dance class and really feel the move and I think of him. Still, I think of a great line for a poem, or even for a quote and I think about sharing it with him. Still, I think about ways to make him proud of me. It is hard to let go of wanting to please someone like him. Someone who is so expressive, and passionate and sincere. At least I thought he was sincere. Maybe it is a coping mechanism, but I no longer think he is as sincere as I once thought he was.
This is partially an explanation for my silence this week, and partially necessary self-admission. I need to publicly admit that this is my reality – I fell for someone who fooled me into thinking he was someone he is not. But my reality also is that maybe I have it wrong; that he is that person but just not that person for me. Either way – whatever his truth is – I am still left here hurting. It is partially of my own doing. I am the one who has walked away. But I did not really feel like I had much of a choice. I wanted both of us to be able to remember something good about our brief time together, and I felt like if we had continued down the road we were stuck on there would be nothing of that happiness left.
I am certain that he does not loose even a quarter of the amount of sleep that I have lost over him; but it does not make me hate him (as much as I have tried). This is not because he does not deserve to be hated – some of my friends argue that he deserves all the hate that my ever-loving heart can muster. No, I do not hate him simply because at the end of the day I not only learned some valuable lessons – I have made one great friend. And even when you are left with a gaping hole in your chest, there is no room for regret when you are also left with valuable life lessons and a wonderful friend.
The night I looked him in the eyes and said I was done, he asked me if I at least felt a little bit better about myself and I did not want to answer him. I did not want to answer because I felt like by answering him I would be giving him the power that he was asking for. But I have decided that I do not want to play that game. The truth is what I want to play… and the truth is: Yes. That is what hurts so much. That he has given me such motivation but that I have no choice but to cut him out of my life – if that makes sense. Of course, I am doing all this for myself but there will always be a part of me that is also doing it for him. Or maybe I am just telling myself that.
We hope you have enjoyed this edition (we hope this is the first of few) of the nonsensical, emotional ramblings of a fragileheart. We hope to see the real fragileheart return in the near future…