I think I need to get a netbook, or maybe just bring my diary around with me because it seems I no longer get the thoughts that help me write my blog posts when I am able to sit down and write them. Actually, allow me to rephrase that: I don’t seem to feel the same emotions I feel that enable me to write such therapeutic blog posts as I used to when I actually have the time sit down and write something.
I suppose part of it is that I’m listening to music while I’m sitting on the mode of public transport that I have chosen for that particular time of travel and some song or another comes on that reminds me of something1. Today, I ended up hearing a song written by the guy who helped2 my heart to be closed for business. It was interesting to say the least. I was so tempted to do what I always did as soon as one of his songs came on my iPod, click skip. Side note: I don’t know if it’s sad or cool that I still recognize his songs almost immediately. But I decided that since I’ve made progress and have succeeded in not wanting to talk to him that I would give it a shot. I still enjoyed it. It did what I was afraid of but not to the same intensity I was afraid of which was good.
I was worried that it would remind me of the things that made me fall for him. The good heart I thought he had. The sincere soul. But listening to it made me realise that being sincere in the moment doesn’t mean that you’re a sincere person. Which was a pretty hard lesson to learn. I think a large part of the reason I gave him so much benefit-of-the-doubt was simply because I saw so much of myself in him. The biggest difference was that when I agreed to be open and honest with him -for the first time in my life I was sincere for real3. But he obviously wasn’t.
The fact that he had the gall to tell me that he hadn’t betrayed me as much as I thought he had, when I know full well that he had told me4 that he doesn’t give a rats ass about me or our5 connection; because after that first week, he has yet to be ‘open and honest’ like he asked me to promise to be.
The lessons I learned?
– Don’t make promises to someone you’ve just met
– There is NEVER any sort of understanding that makes it ok for your date to be driven home by another girl, no matter how ‘on the way’ his place is to hers.
– Listen to your girlfriends6
– I’m done with a certain name that begins with “D”7
– I still like sex, I just need more time.