They really are their own creature aren’t they? For some reason or another I haven’t been to many weddings in my lifetime. Part of it is because I have no family here in Toronto. Then there’s a lack of money to travel to where family is whenever one of these occurs. And then there’s the fact that I don’t have a solid circle of friends but rather a series of circles wherenby I have one or maybe two semi-close friends.. And then of course there’s the fact that I moved when I was 17 and had to start from scratch. It’s never been an issue. It still isn’t. Until I visit the world of those who have had the same friends since they were really little.
I have never really wanted to get married. I’m not sure why, because my parents have a great relationship. And my grandparents had great relationships as well. It could have something to do with all the failed past relationships I’ve had. My relationship history is actually full of unrequited love or uneven love. Sometimes I was the one who didn’t return the love but more often than not I was the one pining after someone who just didn’t share the same feelings about me. Despite all my poems about love1, I’m not so sure I even know what love really is. I read about the triangular theory of love through a friend of mine; it is kind of depressing to read but also helps to know what to look for. But that’s a tangent from what I really wanted to talk about so I’ll get back to that.
It must be that I’m nearing 30 but I am a little tired of playing around. I want to find my best friend and I am actually willing to wait if it means I don’t have to take anyone’s bullshit. Whether it be ‘my friends think you’re a bitch and maybe they’re right’ bullshit, or ‘I’m not ready for a relationship but I’ll keep mentioning this girl and go to Mexico with her and take her to work-related gigs that I don’t mix business with pleasure at’ bullshit, or ‘You’re awesome but I won’t call you for the rest of the week that I’m in town and then call you the day before I go back to Ottawa and give you some line about being deathly sick all week’ bullshit… *sigh*
And people wonder why I say I’m not interested in meeting anyone new. Let’s put it this way. I’ve lost a lot of faith in the last few months, and it’s going to take a miracle to bring it back.
*Erm, on a side note: I feel I should say that I’m very proud and happy for a dear friend of mine2 who has found happiness with a wonderful woman. And I need to apologise that the place I’m in my life right now means that their beautiful wedding inspired me to write something so cynical. Please, please, please don’t take it personally because I truly am still happy for you both and wish you nothing but the best. Love, love, love.