What the…?

I hopped in the shower and just burst out crying. It all just came flooding out. I’ve been doing so well… I had a great night some good friends last night. Sweethearts trying to cheer me up. It worked. Temporarily. I’m in such a mood. Depressed, hopeless and regretful. I hate regretting things that are in the past. But right now, in this moment, all I can think about is how it never would have gotten so far if only… and yes I’m even at the point where I feel that the good times weren’t worth it because sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve changed so much in so many good ways, and some other changes have inadvertedly occurred… changes to things that I used to think defined me as a person. And the change is quite permanent because I didn’t even realize it was happening. But I just don’t know if the pain is worth it anymore… because I doubt he’s going through anything even close.

Not to say that it would make me feel better if he was hurting too. But it would make it easier if we could get through the pain together, rather than trying not to contact him every moment I feel like for fear that I would piss him off or annoy him. The number of times I’ve started a text message and erased it because I didn’t want him to have to reply and cost his dad too much money on his phone bill… counting is useless. I just feel so hopeless at the moment. I’ve been thinking about the advice I’ve been getting from my friends… about moving on and all. *Move on?* I can’t even imagine ever feeling the way I felt about him about anyone else… ever. I can’t imagine the trust I put in him, despite certain events… I don’t even know why I let myself get in so deep in the first place. Why was I so blind? And it all brings me back to that first big fight we ever had.

We had just come home from the bar with our friends, there was some sort of occaision I think. I was upset about something. He was drunk. We had a yelling match, I was bawling. After a pause in the arguing, I opened my heart to him telling him about how insecure I really am – even though apparently I give off an air of sheer confidence – and he turned to me and told me that I had every reason to. He gave me legitimate examples… how I had rudely and condesendingly pointed out a fellow bartender’s mistake at a bartender meeting earlier that work season, how I don’t always think about how what I say might affect someone. I interjected that I’m joking when I make comments like that. *’It doesn’t matter’* It was a horrible night really. I should have walked out then. That is what I can’t get out of my head right now. I should have walked out then. But something told me that it would be worthwhile to stay… and it was. Until he told me that he never intended to continue our relationship over the distance… quite close to his departure date.

I’m not trying to paint him in a bad light… he’s an amazing person. He’s made me feel like I could do anything in the world. I’m just really upset at the moment. As much as I regret not walking out then… of course I would do it again. That’s the point: I can’t let go. And it’s not for a lack of trying. I’ve always loved with all my heart and soul… and gotten my heart broken before too. I thought I had ‘letting go’ all figured out. I don’t know what it is… but I wish it would just sort itself out already. I’m tired of crying.