There have been a lot of changes in my life in the last year or so. And they’re not about to stop either. For the most part, I’ve been going with the flow… but I’m starting to feel some ‘growing pains’ if you will. My head is starting to spin and I need to catch my breath. And so it’s the perfect time to get back into blogging.
I started blogging before it was even called blogging and I didn’t even care if I had readers because for the most part I only wrote about boy issues and whatever else a 17 year old might have had to write about1. I almost stopped blogging once, mostly because he asked me to. But I just couldn’t live without it so I tried blogging under a completely anonymous blog… but I felt like a liar so I came back to fragileheart.com.
With the growing popularity of blogging and of online social media in general, it’s become harder to hide online – as strange as that sounds. These days I have a lot ‘real life friends’ who have joined the blogging, tweeting2 community whereas before, I could hide in the comfort of the online world knowing that I would never have to see these people3 face to face. It was different if I ever met these people who read my blog in person after the fact, because it meant that they would want to meet me despite knowing what I say when I think no one is looking.
I’m struggling a little. I cna’t write in my diary, and I haven’t really been able to openly write in my diary since a certain incident I’m sure someone would rather I didn’t talk about. Which means that my thoughts that should never be uttered have no where to go. And that means they stay in my head, forever swirling around in the sea of memories, fantasies and unicorns4. I’m trying… trying to open up to people but it’s really difficult. Sure, I don’t have a problem sharing… but believe it or not, there is a lot I don’t share. There is a lot that I would rather only ever repeat to myself and analyse on my own. I like coming to my own conclusions and I like dealing with problems on my own. But I need to be able to have things out in the open5 so I can sort through said things… but what do I do when I have no where to hide?
Maybe it’s the fact that I’ll be thirty in a little over 2 years6… but it sure feels like I’m going through adolescence again. I feel lost, confused and yet like I know it all and can do anything I put my mind to – if only I could build up the confidence to get moving.
Have you been through this?
- I wasn’t terribly concerned about very much going on in the world, so sadly the boy thing was pretty much the extent of my concerns back then – judge me if you wish. I’m not ashamed[↩]
- and worse yet the facebook[↩]
- who read my deepest, and darkest thoughts[↩]
- if you believe that one, you need help[↩]
- just written down really, it doesn’t need to be public[↩]
- despite still feeling like I’m only 22… and constantly being told that I don’t look 27[↩]