When you don’t recognize yourself in the mirror

There have been a lot of changes in my life in the last year or so. And they’re not about to stop either. For the most part, I’ve been going with the flow… but I’m starting to feel some ‘growing pains’ if you will. My head is starting to spin and I need to catch my breath. And so it’s the perfect time to get back into blogging.

I started blogging before it was even called blogging and I didn’t even care if I had readers because for the most part I only wrote about boy issues and whatever else a 17 year old might have had to write about1. I almost stopped blogging once, mostly because he asked me to. But I just couldn’t live without it so I tried blogging under a completely anonymous blog… but I felt like a liar so I came back to fragileheart.com.

With the growing popularity of blogging and of online social media in general, it’s become harder to hide online – as strange as that sounds. These days I have a lot ‘real life friends’ who have joined the blogging, tweeting2 community whereas before, I could hide in the comfort of the online world knowing that I would never have to see these people3 face to face. It was different if I ever met these people who read my blog in person after the fact, because it meant that they would want to meet me despite knowing what I say when I think no one is looking.

I’m struggling a little. I cna’t write in my diary, and I haven’t really been able to openly write in my diary since a certain incident I’m sure someone would rather I didn’t talk about. Which means that my thoughts that should never be uttered have no where to go. And that means they stay in my head, forever swirling around in the sea of memories, fantasies and unicorns4. I’m trying… trying to open up to people but it’s really difficult. Sure, I don’t have a problem sharing… but believe it or not, there is a lot I don’t share. There is a lot that I would rather only ever repeat to myself and analyse on my own. I like coming to my own conclusions and I like dealing with problems on my own. But I need to be able to have things out in the open5 so I can sort through said things… but what do I do when I have no where to hide?

Maybe it’s the fact that I’ll be thirty in a little over 2 years6… but it sure feels like I’m going through adolescence again. I feel lost, confused and yet like I know it all and can do anything I put my mind to – if only I could build up the confidence to get moving.

Have you been through this?

Footnotes:
  1. I wasn’t terribly concerned about very much going on in the world, so sadly the boy thing was pretty much the extent of my concerns back then – judge me if you wish. I’m not ashamed[]
  2. and worse yet the facebook[]
  3. who read my deepest, and darkest thoughts[]
  4. if you believe that one, you need help[]
  5. just written down really, it doesn’t need to be public[]
  6. despite still feeling like I’m only 22… and constantly being told that I don’t look 27[]

responses to “When you don’t recognize yourself in the mirror” 9

  1. @Phronk: Your first tweet in reply to me was correcting me about mental disabilities and the like. Do you remember? I couldn’t find the original tweet but I remember it 😉

    @B: It was pretty nerve-wracking!!

  2. @Phronk: So nice to see your name here 🙂 I’ll never forget the first reply you tweeted me. Your future tweets have always kept up the same caliber so I knew your comment was going to be good. LOL As for being lost and confused… I hear it never goes away and honestly, why do we want it to? It does seem more fun this way doesn’t it?

    @Irish: Heh I knew if anyone was going to understand what I was talking about it was going to be you! The conversations we’ve had (and probably will have) on this topic – I enjoy them so!

    @Kym: Glad to hear I’m not the only one that needs to essentially release stuff from my brain by writing them down! And yes, you’re right… we just have to find those people who can read our silliest thoughts without judging us and therefore still be able to enjoy our company in real life!

    @Cromely: I’m so flattered that you feel I’ve had success as a blogger. At times I feel like I’m not a real blogger because I don’t feel I have any lessons to depart or anything ‘useful’ but when you put it the way you do it makes me appreciate you guys so much more (as if I could love you more!) for simply enjoying my ramblings. It’s humbling and I thank you!

    @Ayprel: I have been reading {{hugs}} I haven’t always had something to say but I’m around.

  3. That is exactly what I am going through right now… and I just turned 30 this year! I think you may have read some of my latest blog entries about my struggles.
    .-= Ayprel´s last blog ..Moved On =-.

  4. The thing that is challenging about blogging, especially when you’ve had the success you have here, is that sometimes there is self-imposed pressure to write something important. To impress your readers. And to really make it matter, without revealing too much of yourself.

    Sometimes, the best thing to do is to just post those smaller thoughts. They might be amusing or seem insignificant to you. But your readers aren’t necessarily here to see the best and most significant things you have to offer.

    They’re here because they find you interesting — you take on life and way of saying things. Not all conversations wiht friends need to be important; blog entries don’t have to be either.

    And somehow the process of working with everyday life on the blog helps with important stuff, too.
    .-= Cromely´s last blog ..Death of a Pitchman =-.

  5. i know what you mean, i’ve been blogging since i was maybe 14 or 15 but nobody in the ‘real world’ ever knew about it because i was afraid of what they would think. now, i’ve found close friends who i know won’t care what i say, will care to listen to me, and will care to care… i guess we just have to find those people in our lives. i can’t keep things stored in my head (unless they’re things people confided in me) it’ll drive me crazy!
    .-= Kym´s last blog ..Gelato Drama =-.

  6. I know the feeling. People think unpleasantness will just ‘go away’ but they really just pile up. Also, I think you might be going through a quarter life crisis. I’ve got it myself… and I’m still waiting for ‘the great revelation.’ Sometimes I really want to step out of my head for a bit – it’s so noisy in there!

  7. Yes, I’ve been through, and continue to go through, a lot of this. A lot of my real life friends and family read my blog, which was originally pretty anonymous. It keeps me from being completely open, but has the advantage of being more social, so it’s got ups and downs. I do think it’s nice to have somewhere to write stuff down, even if it’s not the deepest darkest stuff.

    I also really relate with your last paragraph, since I’m at about the same age and mental state. But I figure the most interesting people are the ones who never “grow up” and pretend to have everything figured out. Yay for being lost and confused!
    .-= Phronk´s last blog ..Michael Jackson is Dead =-.

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