I don’t like to think about war and the destruction that is naturally associated with it but I’m forcing myself to do so today because so many people lived1 it for the sake of the future – for us. Our generation often waxes poetic about how generations of the past didn’t know any better2 but they sure had more faith that we do.

I can only begin to imagine what they went through3 and what I imagine is intense and so powerful… and I can’t help but think that it must have been that much more so.

We don’t know what it feels like to be constantly on edge fearing for your life and yet having to find some meaning in your existence; something to find joy in. While I think war is wasteful and absolutely fucking stupid, I am in awe of the people who went to war for what they believed in. Being around that much death, being the one to execute someone’s life changes a person.

I could have complaints about my life but it’s people like those who fought in war4 that drive me to force myself to suck. it. up. I’m only human and will let complaints slip out every now and then but I know how blessed of a life I have led and continue to lead. So today, I am going to mourn the people I’ll never get to meet because they died fighting for our freedom; the people who survived their friends and come back broken; the people who didn’t go to war but had to attempt to continue to live their lives while their most-beloved is out fighting for their lives (and are no doubt equally broken).

I wasn’t living in this part of the world when it all happened5 and I have been lucky enough that my life hasn’t been directly touched by any subsequent wars/battles but I am enjoying the benefits of their sacrifices and I’ll be damned if I take any of it for granted.

  1. I am aware some still do, I think about them too []
  2. take the current environmental issues we’re dealing with for example []
  3. yes, I know I can read about it too but even only that limits my experience to the spread of my own imagination []
  4. and those who are still living in war now []
  5. I wasn’t living at all when any of it happened []

When change hurts

It has been a journey to say the least. The last few months have been a wonderful whirlwind of ups, downs and important lessons and realizations. I think the one lesson that I didn’t expect to learn after all this is that despite being able to adapt to my surroundings extremely well -how much my bearings are affected if I don’t have a proper place to sleep.

For the last three months I have been sleeping on my Ikea love-seat because I couldn’t sleep on my bed1 until three nights ago. Depending on what way you look at it, you could say it cost me a lot but I don’t think placing blame on circumstance does me any good so it just is what it was: a learning experience. Heck, it didn’t kill me right?

30 years. As of some time in the late evening on November 7th, the cells and whatever spirit that make up this girl right here would have been alive for 30 years. I’ll admit there is a part of me that feels like a bit of a disappointment but then there’s another part of me that knows that my life is only just beginning so long as I allow myself the chance at said beginning.

Live each day as if it were your last. Someone great said that to me recently as we were walking the 6.5kms to my new home2 at 4am. By the way, don’t let the knowledge of this act taint your image of bohunkCA; he was the perfect jerk as always – and yes ladies, he was totally topless the whole way there 😉

I want to make an art out of living life, where I find joy in every little moment of every day – regardless of what is going on at the time. Growing up, I had never really paid much attention to the things that really made my heart soar. I knew the obvious things like music3, food, love, and sex… all those self-indulgent sort of things. But now I’m paying more attention to how happy it makes me to be around people like my family and closest friends4.

I know I have lot of work to do up ahead of me but I do think I am up to the task. It feels strange to say that I have never really felt this ready before but I guess I’m just done being afraid. I’m still in the process of getting my life back but I have no doubt that whatever is coming next is going to be amazing. It’s been amazing even when it should have been horrible so how could it not?!

I want to know though: did you love or hate turning 30?

  1. I really don’t want to say it, don’t make me say it: I had bed bugs []
  2. it was so old school I couldn’t resist but agree to walk home with him []
  3. specifically singing []
  4. the ones who have stuck by me no matter what fucked up shit I’ve done – you know who you are []

Happy Love Day!

Oh Valentine’s Day. The last of the holidays that could make you feel like absolute crap if you let it. There is no wonder that March 1st 2009 was like my own personal New Year.

Love; companionship; having someone understand you; having someone who wants you around or thinks about you all the time. Some of these could be argued to be dependence rather than love.. I’m not interested in hashing out that debate.

Being “in love” and having the butterflies in your stomach that make you smile when the rest of your day or world seems like hell. Love is a drug. And like any drug it can be addictive. It’s effect also fades over time as your body becomes accustomed to having the flowing through your blood stream. How do you keep it alive? There is no easy answer; each couple or situation will have a different solution that will work for them. There is no easy formula.

On the eve of this feel-good holiday I find myself having a weak moment. I’ll be honest and say that I miss having someone make a romantic gesture to get my attention. Being single and having my independence is great but I’ll be honest that all these valentine’s day themed shows and whatever else have me missing being the metaphorical apple of someone’s eye1.

What it boils down to is that I am a hopeless romantic and with all that I’ve gone through in the last six years, it’s going to take a hell of a lot more than… well.. just a lot more that it used to. Not that I’m about to change my name or anything but I think this fragile heart just got a bit harder2.

How does Valentine’s Day make you feel? Does it make you feel every bit as hopeful as this video below? Or does it make you want to hurt people?

  1. No need to feel bad for me though k? I’m just being honest about my feelings. I’ll be over it before this post publishes []
  2. don’t worry, this hopeless romantic still believes that there will be a happily ever after out there for me []