Drifting: does it always feel as good as it feels bad?

My dear friend and fellow blogger Erica of Fiveblondes.com, shared something really personal the other day and it got me thinking about the times I’ve done something similar to someone else. Granted if it was someone I was that1 close to, I would have been more honest… but that’s me. The thing is that I’m guilty of drifting… and sometimes2 out right ignoring the other person and sometimes… even totally out of the blue3.

I was living in Dublin and about to come home for a dear friend’s4 wedding. Maria5 started emailing me… about a textbook I borrowed from her the spring before, our last exam season together.  I wasn’t going to be in town for very long and I had a lot that I wanted to accomplish while I was here6 and her asking me for this text book really irked me7. I still don’t know why, because it’s not a complicated request… in fact it was a very simple request but I guess it was the simplicity of the request combined with the limited time I had that didn’t sit too well with me.

Perhaps too it was because she didn’t ask me if I wanted to meet up for drinks or any other social gathering… no, she asked me to bring the textbook to the wedding. To. The. Wedding. A wedding that was not taking place in Toronto. A wedding where I will be wearing something that can’t really get accessorized by a textbook.

Now, bless my Mum for playing along with this but I asked her to mail the textbook to Maria or at least try and organise it so that Maria could pick up the text from my Mum’s office8 so that I wouldn’t have to give her to textbook at the wedding. I don’t remember what actually happened, but I know she got it in the end.

At the wedding, I was polite as we shared a table with about 6 other people and our dates9 but I didn’t need to focus on trying not to talk to her because the rest of the table was just so much fun and the two of them just sat there like zombies, with barely a smile on their faces10.

After the wedding, I remember getting an email from her asking me what happened to us. It went on to talk about how we used to be so close and etc. I never replied to the email but it is still in my archives… I’m not sure I ever will really. And the sad thing is that I don’t really feel like there’s been anything missing in my life since she’s been gone from it.

Now, even though you’re my brain twin, I feel the need to specify this: Erica, I don’t think this story is similar to yours because honestly if you were gone from my life I know for sure there would be something missing – and I can only imagine that feeling is mutual for anyone who has met you.. because let’s face it, you’re freakin’ awesome. You see Maria unfortunately wasn’t so awesome… in fact, she was extremely negative. And who needs that in their life right? I wasn’t trying to find an explanation for why that girl11 essentially shunned you like she did but if I had to guess, it would be because she simply went insane. The end12.

Imagine you’re in an inflatable raft without oars at sea. You start out near the shore and slowly, but surely you start drifting farther and farther away from it. If you ignore your qualms, drifting starts to feel good – almost freeing… but there’s always that nagging voice at the back of your head that makes the drifting feel not-so-good. I feel like this good-bad feeling combo also applies to when you’re drifting apart from someone you either used to care about a lot or just used to spend a lot of time with. Of course the good to bad ratio varies depending on how much you cared about said person in the first place.

So what I want to know is this, have you ever been in a situation where drifting apart13 hasn’t felt good and bad at the same time?

  1. as in as close as Eri was to that girl – no she doesn’t get a name in my story []
  2. ok, maybe just one time []
  3. seemingly, to the other person []
  4. who I haven’t seen in over two years actually… perhaps this can be partially explained by this post… hm… []
  5. name has been changed to protect… her []
  6. and by accomplish, I mean drink []
  7. read: annoyed the fuck outta []
  8. which is at our University []
  9. I brought my not-so little brother, she brought her bf who I’m pretty sure she’s still with []
  10. did I mention it was a wedding-and-therefore-a-happy-occasion-I-thought-so []
  11. yeah, still no name for her on my blog []
  12. well, not really the end, there’s more… see below []
  13. whether intentional or not []

My Lolo

My Lolo1 is in town. He arrived on Thursday and I’m a bit of an emotional mess. It’s different having your Mum’s Dad in your life… and for the most part, For the most part, I’ve been avoiding contact with him. He’s from such a different generation and I can’t even begin to imagine what he thinks of me and how I live my life. He constantly teases me and I just laugh it off but its all I can do to cry and tell him I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment.

This is new to me because I’ve never been the type to care about what someone thinks of me… I tend to apologise for making them feel uncomfortable but I never apologise for living my life the way I want to live it. And for one reason or another, he is different. I’ve only ever been exposed to him during limited time periods… a vacation that lasted two weeks… to a maximum of one month… and there have been always been other family members around to take the focus off me.

You see my Mum is the oldest of 7 children; I was the first grandchild, and the only grand-daughter on my Mum’s side of the family2 and that is why they named me what they named me3. And I always get this feeling from my Lolo that he expects me to do great things… and while I’ve been brought up with the belief that everything I do is great4 I still feel like I’m running out of time.

In the very first entry on this version of this blog, you’ll read about my Lola5… and how I lost her way too soon. My Lolo is pretty strong… but he’s definitely a weaker version than what I remember from my childhood. If there’s anyone who I want to make proud of what I’ve accomplished in my life, it would be him. Despite never really knowing him as well as I know my parents… I want to make him so proud of me that he will finally understand that even though I haven’t led my life the way my Mum led hers it doesn’t make me any less amazing than she is.

I’m sure growing up without him in my life plays a huge part in all this, but I’m curious… how do you feel about your Grandparents?

  1. Grandfather in Tagalog aka Filipino []
  2. actually, I was the only grand-daughter on both sides for a long time []
  3. if you don’t know yet, you might want to actually establish contact with me so I can tell you []
  4. no matter how small []
  5. Grandmother in Tagalog []

It hasn’t left

I’ve written about death a lot in the past month and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. I’m not complaining, because it’s a fact of life but I do hope there are happier times ahead for everyone involved. An old friend from high school passed away earlier this month and I’ve been given the morning off so I can attend the mass being held for her tomorrow morning.

I was going to go to the funeral home today, but I chickened out. For one reason or another I didn’t feel like I belonged there. In hindsight, I’m sure the family would have appreciated my being there… but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m afraid to go to the mass tomorrow but I will be going to that. I don’t know anyone else that is going to be there, but it doesn’t matter.

It’ll be extra weird because this is the first time I will be stepping foot in that church in almost 3 years. I used to sing with the choir and I hear that the choir master who I studied under is no longer there. I’ve decided not to wear mascara in case I start bawling my eyes out. I don’t know how to feel about her death… it has been quite some time since we drifted apart but I remember her vividly and it’s a horrible loss for the world to be without such a caring soul1.

Please take a moment to wish her soul well, to help her and her beloved rest in the peace that they deserve.

  1. I can’t imagine she would have changed from the person I knew in high school, and from what I hear the changes were amazing []