[edit: As this post goes live, my optimism has dwindled ever so slightly but I am allowing this post to go public as originally planned because I need it as a reminder of what is important: taking care of me. Fuck everyone else1].
It all started in 1995. My history of heartbreak; the original iteration of ‘fragileheart’ though I didn’t take on that name until five years later. And almost predictably, I continued to have bad years in 2005, 2010 and 2015. The severity of each heartbreak never dwindled, but my ability to bounce back and continue to “love like I’ve never been hurt” simply grew2. And this year, I feel more ready than ever to continue that growth.
Love has always been a priority in my life. I think I proved that when I focused on moving to Ireland to follow said heart instead of focusing on my career fresh out of University. I think I knew that I always had what it takes to accomplish what I want in other areas of life – whenever it was that I was ready to do so. I think I’m ready now.
There’s a large part of me that doesn’t care if the love that I’ve found doesn’t succeed the way I want it to. There is a larger part of me that has this incredible blind faith that it will so long as I focus on taking care of me3.
I took life into my own hands five years ago4 – partially out of necessity but that shouldn’t take away from the fact that the desire and determination was there – and it has been a wild ride. The first three years were rough5 with an absolute bottom less than two years ago. While I will always be proud of the semester I spent driving a school bus to make ends meet, I can’t and won’t deny that it was an act of pure desperation. That’s in the past though; speaking as a freelancer, last year was my best year; and this year is set to be even better.
I wrote out some goals this year. I also bombarded my twitter followers with some of my resolutions, and I’m incredibly happy with the progress I’ve made on all of them. Yes. Already. At the beginning of this year, I opened my heart up to joy and it has come barrelling in. Suddenly the things that used to bother me so intensely don’t bother me nearly as much, and the things that do bother me are easier to let go. I’m aware that sudden changes like this should raise some sort of flag, so I’m being mindful about that6 but by now – it’s been over 21 days. Any bad habits that I had of jumping to negative conclusions, or holding on anything negative have – theoretically – been broken.
I’m taking things one moment at a time, then one day at a time, then one week at a time… and so on 🙂 Life is good, because I chose for it to be. But, let’s be get a little more real: I’ll admit that I also had enough motivation to follow-through with that choice. It isn’t always easy to pull yourself out of a7 hole, but once you find that big push you needed, it’s important to hold on and just go with it. Don’t let anything weigh you down – or do – sometimes you just need to visit the dark side again… but for the love of god, don’t linger there. Go back to the light. Always go back to the light.
Now can someone tell me how I ended up making Star Wars references?
In all seriousness, how is your year going? What great things are you going to accomplish this year?
- but you know, if you need me. I’m here for you [↩]
- which, coincidentally, explains the never-dwindling heartbreak severity [↩]
- as long as it isn’t at the expense of ‘us’ [↩]
- well that sounds morbid, I assure you that is not what I mean [↩]
- financially [↩]
- don’t you worry about me [↩]
- mental and/or emotional [↩]