Not quite anti-Valentine’s but close

For the last two years, I strongly disliked Valentine’s day because I couldn’t be with the one I wanted to be with. This year is no different. The reasons may be different, but the end result is the same – I will be spending it alone. I’m ok with this on my own, but every time I walk by a store or even open my email I get reminded of the fact that this silly, commercial holiday is approaching. One saving grace this year is that Chinese New Year is also being celebrated on February 14th. I’m not religious, or traditional (despite what the quizzes on OkCupid say) so I’ve never been one to focus celebrations on Chinese New Year… and I’m not about to start just to escape the pain that is Valentine’s Day but I sure am glad that it’s on that day.

I was supposed to go to the John Mayer concert on Valentine’s Day (the perfect distraction) but due to a misunderstanding, I am no longer going. Despite my disappointment, I have to accept that this is for the best. I also have to admit that I’m a little tired of that right now. It seems that everything that I do these days ‘is for the best’. But none of it seems to be the best for my spirit, at least in the now. I’m sure it has it’s long term benefits, and that maybe it’s about time that I start doing things that will only benefit me in the long run… but I sure do wish it would go easy on me for even just one day.

Oh, that sounds so melodramatic. I am not living an extraordinarily hard life. I still have a roof over my head, I have plenty of food, I am warm, and healthy. But the roof of my head doesn’t keep the rain clouds away, food has not excited me for over two months now, and the warmth only makes me feel lonelier because despite feeling warm, I also feel empty. Being healthy just means that I am free of disease and serious illness, but I still am unable to sleep or even eat normally – I have a weird, tingling numbness in almost all of my muscles that I can’t quite explain but ignore because nothing I do (yoga, stretching or dance) seems to make it go away.

And so here you have it. I have tried to stay positive. I have tried to stay the same girl that has always written with pure, heart-felt optimism and hopeless hope. But I am not that same girl these days… and I’m tired of hiding. I know I’m still lucky. I know this enough not to take any of my sadness out on any body. I am still kind. I am still the same caring girl, but I am not going to pretend that life is easy right now. I also know that perhaps my life is difficult because I am making it so, but that brings me back to the fact that I need to do things that are ‘for the best’, in the long run.

I don’t take what I have for granted. I am still thankful for all that I have; a great family, great friends, and that I have felt great love – even if only briefly, a heart so willing to love that it doesn’t care how much it’ll hurt, a talent for art in various forms and the promise of a great new career. I am still thankful, but it doesn’t ease my pain any.

The silver lining is that this pain has motivated me to do things like write my list of 30 things I want to accomplish before I turn 30. It has motivated me to find things to fill the hole. They have all worked to distract from the pain, but at the end of the day I still feel it. And my logical brain tells me that I need that, because if I only ignored the pain I wouldn’t be dealing with it and it would only ever come back worse than before. So I’m trying. I’ve been trying not to whine on here, but I think it’s time I let it out…

How do you deal with pain?

responses to “Not quite anti-Valentine’s but close” 7

  1. I relate with this quite a bit, right down to the specifics of not being able to enjoy food as much as I used to. Thank you for being so open and honest – it is comforting knowing that none of us are alone in dealing with these experiences.

    I don”t deal with emotional pain very well, but one comforting thought is that it is just a matter of time before it goes away. Circumstances (inner or outer) will change and we”ll bounce back to where we were before.

    Valentines day sure doesn”t help though. Screw that day.
    .-= Phronk´s last blog ..Book Review: Freakonomics, by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner =-.

  2. Pingback: fragileheart’s journal » Blog Archive » Named days, and why I need them
  3. Hi Reggy,
    I have been looking for you online for a while now. You might remember me from I can sense you have not been yourself lately, but iam here to cheer you up! i am preparing to launch a new blog in about a months time and i would love to reconnect with you. why did you leave entrecard? i hope you wil help me launch my blog when i finish setting it up.
    .-= Alfred Opare-Saforo´s last blog ..10 Ways to completely destroy your Blog in 365 days =-.

  4. Fragile, This is me smacking you upside the head! You are a very beautiful and intelligent woman who should have the world by the tail…not someone that should be sitting around the house moping over past love.

    Life is way to short and the longer you let the past rule you the less time you have to actually live…get to living woman there is a life and a guy out there somewhere waiting on you.

    1. @Jason: I know, I know… but I need to stop denying when I feel something strongly… and so we have this post. lol It turned out to be an all right day in the end… Hope you had a good one 🙂

      @Erin: I actually asked one of my closest friends to be my Palentine. It worked out well for both of us 🙂

      @Talen: Thanks Talen. I definitely needed that ;P

  5. I”ll be working, and because I”ll be working I”ve appointed one of my also single co-workers to be my Valentine.
    .-= Erin´s last blog ..Erin & The Sewing Machine =-.

  6. V-day only wields as much power as you give it, right? Feel bad if you need to, because all of us have a need to feel loved one way or another. However, if you start raging against the day like it exists solely to hurt you then you”re just making it worse than it needs to be.

    I”ve been single for the past few, and it hasn”t been easy. I tried the whole thing with hanging out with friends on the day of, but it”s just feels off. Ultimately I often just spend time at home doing domestic stuff and getting a good night”s sleep. May sound a bit sad, but in effect I”m just turning it into another day.

    I don”t have to buy into the V-day stuff, but I”m not going to play it down for anyone else that has an opportunity to enjoy it.
    .-= Jason´s last blog ..Countdown doom clock =-.

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