The last of the lie

This is an ode (to the last of the lie).

When you start to get to know someone; when you start to build a foundation for your relationship, you create certain stories together – most of them are true, at least in the context of your lives when you’re building.

When a relationship ends, after the turmoil, the pain, and the grieving is over sometimes there is this hope that remains. Hope that there was something about that foundation you built that is strong enough that maybe one day you could share that same bond again,  or any bond – perhaps something that resembles a friendship1.

Sometimes though, the stories are too far from the truth and you just have to let go of the last of the lie. This doesn’t make either of you a bad person. The lies were true when they were being told. They just weren’t truths you wanted to keep, so you let the truths go. And you begin to live other truths that sometimes contradict the truths you once owned.

And then there are other times when there’s something about that ‘lie’ that’s sticky. It clings on to the core of you and insists on providing you with glimpses of hope that the lie is worth holding on to. So you wait it out. And you wait, and wait. You find other things to focus on because as the light of the ‘lie’ grows fainter every day, you need other light sources. So you look forward, and fill your life with the light of things that don’t remind you that you once allowed someone to treat you like you deserved anything less than respect.

One day, you’ll be ready. You’ll look back on the ‘lie’ and be able to wish it the farewell it deserves. And you’ll be free to really move on.

Unti then, just breathe.

  1. something to truly be treasured. It isn’t a consolation prize to romance [↩]

Season of Change

I don’t know about you, but it’s been a whirlwind of a year so far. It started off a little slow, but picked up the kind of speed that I imagine a ‘whirling dervish’ would.

I feel so very different than I ever used to. I don’t know how I shook it, but I have so much less guilt over things these days. It’s become easier to accept the things I can’t change, nor control and to just let them be. it’s also become easier to recognise them which is really nice. I also care a heck of a lot less about pleasing people, and as cliche as it sounds, I feel so much lighter for it.

Sunsets are one of my favourite things

There are some things missing from my life1… but I have faith that everything will come in time. There are relationships in my life that began to make me feel a little bit of pressure to find what I’m looking for, romantically, and it was very tempting to get frustrated that it’s not materialising sooner but then I just look at my never-ending-to-do-list and forget all about that. Thank goodness for priorities. Thank goodness for work.

I’m excited2 for the change of season that’s around the corner. Partially because one of my favourite events of year will be happening around that time, but also because it means I can hopefully have a yard sale and get rid of some a lot of the clutter around this house.

I know it might seem silly to wait to get rid of it all but I can’t afford to just give everything away. I need to try to make some money back. I won’t make much, but I will make more than I would if I were to give everything away for free. I had been using the Bunz app to try to trade the things I no longer need for other things but life, and work got too busy and scheduling and flakers get exhausting.

Last year, I sent out an open invitation to joy and it helped me get through a very difficult time. This year, I’m sending an open invitation out to romance. I’m ready. I’m also done chasing it for myself. I know what I’m looking for; I know what I want. I also know what it looks like and what it feels like. I’m also not afraid to say no anymore. So, let’s see what this new season and this year brings. Of course, the invitation for joy remains open; that’s why it’s so much easier to come by these days.

  1. not just in the romance department, though that is definitely included [↩]
  2. and slightly terrified – hello global warming! [↩]

Happy Love Day!

This day. Sigh. I’ve got big plans for today, and they’re all about me. I’ve never spent this much time being this selfish. In the past when this day hit, and I was single I’d be spending all of my energy, time and money on trying to make my friends feel good but as I’ve said in a post that I haven’t quite published yet1, I left all my fucks with 34 year old me.

It’s easy to have a lot of feels on a day like today, when you’re someone who has a lot of feels in general. I’ve been numbing myself with work, work and more work2, and it’s been really great… but then you come across something like this post from Humans of NY, and you can’t help but call yourself out on your own bullshit.

This guy made me realize that I’ve been so lucky. So fucking lucky to have fallen in love as many times as I have, and to have had almost as many people fall in love with me. It doesn’t matter that they didn’t last. At least today, I won’t worry about that. Today I’ll celebrate the fact that I have ever felt that love at all because it could honestly be worse: I could be 35 years old, and have never felt movie-love like I have so, very, many times before.

(Rosario, Argentina)

“I’m thirty-four and I haven’t felt real love yet. Sometimes I think: ‘Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’ll never get to that point.’ I’ve had a couple of relationships. But a woman has never really made me feel jealous. And I’ve never felt that I would do anything to be with another person. I’ve read about real love in books, and seen it in movies, but I’ve never felt it. Like in the Titanic movie– they are trying so hard to be together. That is hard for me to understand. I’m not sure what that would feel like. There is one movie with Winona Ryder where she is about to join a monastery, but then she meets a gardener, and she kisses him, and suddenly she feels real love. I’m not sure what love feels like. But I’m guessing I’ll know when I feel it. Like Winona Ryder knew.”
— Humans of NY

I’m also lucky to feel as amazing as I feel these days. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t change. The old me would still be sulking about my last big break-up, and holding on to god-knows-what as if holding on to the pain was the only way to prove that my love was real3. It serves no one. Get up. Stay up. But it’s also okay to fall and feel sad sometimes; don’t beat yourself up if that happens.

There is a part of me that is terrified of falling in love with someone new. I always manage to find someone amazing when I feel this good, only to inevitably realize that my wounds weren’t healed enough just as I really start to feel something for that person… and then it all goes to shit. I worry that my old pattern will simply repeat. I know what I need to do4, but that doesn’t make the act of doing it any easier when you’re in the moment and all your emotions are drowning you.

Anyway, there’s no sense in worrying about that now. This is the present. And today, I get to do some of my favourite things that I am going to keep private because I can. Just know that each moment of this day is going to bring me pure joy.

What are you doing to treat yourself today?

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  1. how’s that for a teaser? [↩]
  2. don’t worry, I’m still having fun.. just not the kind I really want to be having but that’s for another post [↩]
  3. awh bless [↩]
  4. trust that I’ll be able to take the space I need to centre myself [↩]