I’m sure the fact that I wasn’t able to get any sleep on the red-eye flight back to Toronto had a lot to do with it but a few hours after I woke up from my nap to carry on with my Friday afternoon, I became overwhelmed with emotion. There were other factors in play, but they shouldn’t have left me bawling with pure sadness the way I did. I greeted the sadness like an old friend, and let it linger if only for a moment. Once it was gone, I felt a certain kind of zen that I haven’t felt in a long time.
I’m not sure I could live out in British Columbia, but I am changed forever for having been there. It was also emotional because I had allowed myself to forget how much I enjoyed being around the company of the two people I went there to visit. They’re both amazing centres of calm, and love and I adore being around them. I wish I could have stayed longer; next time. Certainly next time.
Being out there has also left me with a renewed longing to keep moving. Even though I opened my heart up to joy this year, my body had gotten into the habit of being frozen, and unable to move because I was too sad or depressed to. Though I do wish there was a mountain I could go hiking up right now. There’s something magical about the thinning air, the gorgeous view, the implied solitude that comes with hiking up a mountain rather than a hill that you just can’t replicate in this city1.
I learned a lot of things about myself while I was out on those mountains. I learned that my body is a lot stronger than I think it is, and that I have the tendency to want to give up way too easily. i learned that if I distract myself with pretty sights, and inspiring views and thoughts that I can get through anything. I learned that I am better at practicing techniques when no one is paying attention, and that I get self-conscious when others are giving me instructions and watching. That explains why I taught myself how to ice skate, among many other things in my life.
I also re-affirmed that for the last two and half years I have been living in fear. I have somehow allowed fear to take the wheel and be the driving force behind most of my decisions. I have been trying to break the habit for the last 3-6 months, but the progress has been slow to say the least. Alas, at least there has been progress. It appears to me that there isn’t going to be a big push out of this one, I am going to have to gradually chip away at it patiently.
One day at a time. One moment at a time.
It’s the best I can do, and that’s all I can ever ask of myself.
Have you ever been to British Columbia? Have you ever been to Whistler? Was it as inspiring to you as it was to me?
- I am certain I am not the first person to say this, but it still needs to be said [↩]